How Insecurity Leads to Envy, Jealousy, and Shame

Envy, Jealousy, Insecurity, and Shame
have been coming up frequently in Private Sessions.

Good article to reflect on and implement it’s suggestions. – Richard Taylor

How Insecurity Leads to Envy, Jealousy, and Shame

Envy, jealousy, and shame are inextricably intertwined. Envy and jealousy are primal emotions that frequently overlap. They’re commonly first felt in the form of sibling rivalry and Oedipal longings. A child innately wants mommy and daddy all to him — or herself and feels “excluded” from the marital bond, especially if there have been parenting deficits that have led to shame and emotional abandonment.

Typically, young children of heterosexual parents see their same-sex parent as a rival for their opposite parent’s love. They feel both envious and jealous of their same-sex parent. Similarly, an interloper in a marriage may feel both jealous and envious toward the spouse he or she wishes to replace, possibly re-enacting childhood feelings toward his or her parents.

Children are frequently envious and jealous of the attention showered on a newborn sibling. Belief that a sibling is favored can create lifelong feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Envy

Envy is a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to someone ‘s advantages, possessions, or traits such as beauty, success, or talent. It’s also a common defense to shame, when we feel less than another in some respect. When the defense is working, we’re not aware of feeling inadequate. We may even feel superior and disparage the person we envy. A malignant narcissist might go so far as to sabotage, misappropriate, or defame the envied person, all the while unconscious of feeling inferior. Arrogance and aggression serve as defenses along with envy. Generally, the degree of our devaluation or aggression is commensurate with the extent of underlying shame.

Bill was chronically resentful and envious of his brother’s financial success, but because of unconscious shame, he spent or gave away his money. He was on the road to homelessness to fulfill his father’s shaming curse that he was a failure and would end up on the street.

I may envy my friend Barbara’s new Mercedes, knowing I can’t afford it, and feel inferior to her. I might have the funds, but feel conflicted about buying it, because I feel undeserving of owning it. Or, I might emulate Barbara and take steps to acquire a Mercedes. However, if envy motivated me to copy her, and I ignored my values or true desires, I won’t derive any pleasure from my efforts. In contrast, I can think about my needs, desires, and how to fulfill them. I may be happy for Barbara, or my envy may be fleeting. I might realize that I have competing values or desires and that what suits her isn’t right for me. These are all healthy responses.

Jealousy

Jealousy also stems from feelings of inadequacy, though they are usually more conscious than with envy. However, whereas envy is the desire to possess what someone else has, jealousy is the fear of losing what we have. We feel vulnerable to losing the attention or feelings of someone close to us. It is defined as mental uneasiness due to suspicion or fear of rivalry or unfaithfulness and may include envy when our rival has aspects that we desire. By discouraging infidelity, jealousy historically has served to maintain the species, certainty of paternity, and the integrity of the family. But it can be a destructive force in relationships — even lethal. Jealousy is the leading cause of spousal homicides.

Margot’s deep-seated belief that she was inadequate and undeserving of love motivated her to seek male attention and at times intentionally act in ways to make her boyfriend jealous and more eager. Her insecurity also made her jealous. She imagined that he desired other women more than her, when that wasn’t the case. Her beliefs reflect toxic or internalized shame common among codependents. It’s caused by the emotional abandonment in childhood and leads to problems in intimate relationships. (See What is Emotional Abandonment.) Studies show that insecure individuals are more prone to jealousy.

Jill had healthy self-esteem. When her boyfriend lunches with his female friend and work colleagues, she isn’t jealous because she’s secure in their relationship and her own lovability. If he had an affair, she would have feelings about his betrayal of trust, but not necessarily jealously, because she doesn’t hold the belief that his behavior reflects a deficiency in her.

Shame

Whether we’re in the position of have or have-not, essentially, both envy and jealousy involve comparisons that reflect a feeling of insufficiency — “I’m inferior to X who has what I want,” or “I’m inferior to X who may diminish (or is diminishing) my importance to someone.” Feeling “not enough” is the common thread. Comparisons are a red flag for underlying shame. The greater is the intensity or chronicity of these feelings, the greater shame.

Thus, codependents take rejection hard, because of low self-esteem, toxic shame, and history of emotional abandonment. (See my post about breakups.) Typically, shame leads to attacking oneself or another. While some people blame themselves when rejected, others think, “He or she wasn’t really worthy of my love anyway.”

We may also behave in ways that drive our partner to leave, because it validates a belief that we’re unworthy of love. It may be a variation of “I’ll give you a reason to leave” or, “I’ll leave before I’m left.” Either way, it’s a defensive move to prevent getting too attached. It gives us a sense of control over the anticipated inevitable abandonment that would hurt even more. (See breaking the cycle of abandonment.)

Safety in Numbers

Envy and jealousy should be examined in the broader context of a relationship among the three actors — even if one is imaginary, such as in Margot’s case. Each person plays a role that serves a function. It’s more stable and less emotionally intense than a dyad.

A third person in a close relationship can mediate unresolved intimacy issues by siphoning off some of the couple’s intensity and help maintain the primary relationship. To do this, parents often “triangulate” a child into the role of identified problem child or surrogate spouse, which mediates problems in the marriage. The latter case foments Oedipal desires in the child that can cause dysfunction in later adult relationships.

A paramour can provide an ambivalent spouse a sense of independence that allows him or her to stay in the marital relationship. The spouse may feel torn between two loves, but at least he doesn’t feel trapped or that he or she is losing him or herself in the marriage. Intimacy lacking in the marriage can be made up for in the affair, but the marital problems don’t get addressed.

Once an affair is exposed, the homeostasis in the marriage is disrupted. Remorse doesn’t necessarily solve the underlying intimacy and autonomy problems. Sometimes, when jealousy subsides, new conflicts arise to recreate distance between the partners. When individual autonomy and intimacy are established within the couple, the relationship is stronger, and interest in the third person generally evaporates. If infidelity leads to divorce, frequently the removal of the rival spouse, who mediated the affair, gives rise to new conflicts in the once-illicit relationship that result in its eventual demise.

The unfaithful spouse’s continued contact with his or her ex may simultaneously dilute yet allow the relationship with the new partner to survive. The drama of it all also adds an element of excitement, that while stressful, alleviates depression typical of codependency.

Do’s and Don’ts

The best insurance against jealousy and envy are to increase your self-esteem. For jealousy, improve the intimacy in your relationship. If you’re suspicious of your mate, journal about any times in prior relationships (including same-sex and family relationships) when you were betrayed or rejected. If you’re still concerned, tell your partner the behavior that bothers you with an open mind in a non-accusatory manner. Share your feelings of insecurity, rather than judging him or her. Respect your partner’s privacy and freedom. Don’t try to control or cross-examine your partner, or sneak into his or her email or phone, which creates new problems and can make your partner distrust you.

This post was inspired by an insightful article:

Stenner, P. (2013). Foundation by Exclusion: Jealousy and Envy. In Bernhard Malkmus and Ian Cooper (Eds.), Dialectic and Paradox: configurations of the third in modernity. Oxford: Lang 53-79.

See also Buss, D.M. (2000). The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex. Free Press.

©Darlene Lancer 2015

Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/envy-jealousy-and-shame/

Thank you Darlene Lancer.
_________________________________________

Richard L. Taylor Atlanta Anger Management

Owner/Director Richard L Taylor, BS CART, CAME
Certified Anger Resolution Therapist™
Certified Anger Management Expert™
ATLANTA ANGER MANAGEMENT
5555 Glenridge Connector, Suite 200
Atlanta, GA 30342
Phone: 678-576-1913
Email: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

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Have The Burdens/Troubles of Life Got You Down? Got Joy? Got Happy?

Do You Have Joy In Your Life?

This question came up in last Saturday’s Anger Management all day class
with one participate answering no. Sadly life had beat him down.

The question became:
” How do I start to get
joyful living back?

Start with Positives. Look for positives in each moment and stay ever present (Mindfulness) changing your negative self talk (scripts).

How? By increasing your Focus Of Intention. Become more self aware of what you are thinking. This is called The Self Observing The Self. When I become aware I am thinking or saying something negative (not nice)…STOP! Reach for the “clicker” called awareness and change the Focus of your thought/talk to something constructive or pleasurable.

Often when we are in an unhappy place in our lives we are ‘stuck” Just frozen in the feeling. We cease to find living an experience of joyfulness. The wonder of children perspective on discovery, learning, just being.

We Need To Get Unstuck.
We Need T0 Change It Up!

-Richard Taylor

All of us at times need to make a decision to change up our life. often this might mean to take a risk. Perhaps move, decide to seek out joy. Google the concepts and become a learner, grow, choose to live again.

Become Positive By Being Positive.
-Richard Taylor

It is hard to drag yourself out of the quicksand of your life! You can do it!

Become creative. Watch positive movies, TV, read positive magazines, Internet articles and blogs and Books! Saturate yourself with new scripts of joy, happiness and positivity!

 


HECTOR AND THE SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS

 

I just join the I AM HAPPY PROJECT and found this below!

Get Motivated to Get Things Done

Have you ever looked your To-DO List to see that you have much more on your plate than you realized?

Sometimes added responsibilities in your life equal increased opportunities to procrastinate so, its important to remind yourself how to stay motivated and get things done.

Motivation is defined as “the desire to achieve a goal, combined with the energy to work towards it”. If you Google the topic of “Motivation” you will find that most tips on motivation have to do with big goals like losing weight or finding a job. But, sometimes we need motivational strategies for accomplishing the little things in life like doing the laundry or paying your bills.

Below are some motivational strategies that I think will help you get the little things, as well as the big things in your life done.

  • Talk to yourself. We have 50,000 to 70,000 thought a day. Unfortunately, it’s usually to give ourselves negative messages. The next time you are feeling stuck, try talking yourself through the process and giving yourself positive feedback. Talking yourself through the process will help to keep you focused on exactly what you are doing and what comes next and giving yourself positive feedback will motivate you to continue.
  • Connect with the “desire”. Why is it important to get this done? Even if you have a goal that is seemingly undesirable, like doing laundry or paying bills, it’s a lot more motivating to focus on the outcome instead of the act. The goal of paying your bills on time may be to establish and maintain a good credit score. Doing your laundry and having clean clothes will help you look and feel better about yourself, thus getting you that new position at work or meeting mister or miss “right”.
  • Remember you have a choice. Don’t let the need to rebel stop you. It’s important to remember that you do have a choice. Often we are not motivated to do things we think we “have” to do. True, there are things we “should” do in order to avoid unpleasant consequences, but the choice is still ours. So, instead of saying, “I have to finish that report tonight” why not motivate yourself by saying, “I choose to finish the report tonight because I value a sense of completion”.
  • Develop a sense of curiosity. Get curious about something. Formulate a question about what you are doing and work to find answers. Let a sense of wonder motivate you – “I wonder what would happen if I was early for work every day, how much work I could get done?” Challenge yourself to find an answer.
  • Make your goal hard to ignore. Set up reminders so that they are constantly in front of you. For example, if your goal is to do one load of laundry every day, make sure you put the basket of dirty laundry in the middle of the doorway so that you bump into it every time you walk out of the room. Posting visual cues and setting alarms are essential to staying focused and motivated.
  • Use a body double. A body double is simply someone who sits in the same room with you as you work. Sometimes you just need the presence of another person to motivate you to work on an undesirable task. Consider having a friend come over to keep you company while you pay your bills or sort through clutter.
  • Break it down. I have been procrastinating on cleaning out my computer files for months so I decided to break the task into doable pieces. Every day I delete or file at least 10 documents. The strange thing is – by giving myself permission to only do 10, sometimes I feel motivated to do more!
  • Reward yourself. Make it worth your while to complete a task. When you have something to look forward to after the job is done, it will make it a lot more doable. After I finish writing this – I’m going out to rent a movie!
  • Visualize. Before you start working on your goal, try closing your eyes and visualizing yourself doing and completing each step. For example, “I have already visualized how relieved and satisfied I will be when I get this task done”.
  • Change environments. Sometimes what it takes to get motivated and inspired is to change your environment. If you are inside – take your work outdoors or move to another room. Going to the library or a coffee shop can really make a difference. I’ve been known to go and work in my car in order to finish a project. Sometimes moving to another state might be needed, or a travel trip!
  • Make it fun! Find ways to make your fun. Play music you enjoy or watch a funny show while you work. Do unpleasant tasks with friends who can keep you company and cheer you on. Dancing and singing while you do housework should also make for a fun time or at the very least- a good laugh!

To have fun, be fun!
-Richard Taylor

One last thing….Reminder:

Amy Cuddy:
Fake It Until You Become It.

Find Your Joy Coaching:

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

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The Beginner’s Guide to Clean Eating

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.
Hippocrates
father of medicine, 431 B.C.

Eat Food. Not Too much. Mostly Plants.
Michael Pollan
renowned food expert and journalist, 2007 A.D.

COOKING TIPS / NUTRITION TIPS / WEIGHT LOSS  AUGUST 31, 2015

The Beginner’s Guide to Clean Eating

We know what healthy food looks like (or at least have some idea), so why is it challenging to eat healthy on a regular basis? Between a busy career, school, a significant other and kids—life happens, and suddenly our good intention to be healthier falls to the wayside.
Deep down we still want to develop sustainable, clean eating habits because we know our diet, or the culmination of foods we consistently choose over time, impacts the duration and quality of our life.

The leading causes of death—heart disease, cancer and stroke—in the U.S. are nutritionally related, and the rest of the developed world is not lagging far behind. Our health, weight, energy level, mood and even sleep are influenced by diet.

When it comes to food, nutrition and which diet really works best, there’s not much that all of us agree on. And with good reason! Nutrition is not one-size-fits-all, largely because our bodies all function a little bit differently. While a lower-carbohydrate diet may work exceptionally well for one individual trying to lose weight, it may not work for the next. On the other end of the spectrum, carb-loading may help one athlete more than others.

When it comes to achieving good health, and yes, even weight loss, there’s one common ingredient among all diets that have stood the test of time (such as lower-carbohydrate, vegetarian, vegan, Mediterranean and the newer Paleo diets).

They all borrow on some or all of these clean eating strategies:
• Eat minimally processed foods, or foods made from minimally processed ingredients.
• Eat mostly plants and plant-based foods.
• Eat sparingly animals and animal products that eat mostly plants. (Not fed hormones, Non-GMO foods, wild caught fish)
Or to sum it up: Clean eating means choosing real food.


WHAT IS REAL FOOD?

No standard definition for “healthy” food actually exists, just like there’s no cookie-cutter definition for what it means to be healthy, but it shouldn’t stop us from defining what that means to us.
The current packaging trends have “healthy, “all natural” labeled on almost all packing today.

“Real food” has no official definition but embodies what a general healthy eating pattern could look like without using airy terms like “balanced,” “honest” and “genuine” to describe it (because who really knows what they mean?).

Real food is simple.

It hasn’t gone through a ton of processing to get from the ground to your plate.

Here’s what that looks like:
• Filtered Water Not from plastic bottle
• Fruits
• Vegetables
• Lean non-GMO meats, like chicken, turkey (not deli turkey/high sodium)
• Dairy
• Seafood
• Nuts
• Seeds
• Whole grains (Non white starches)
• Beans
• Stevia rather than other sweeteners
• Coffee
• Tea
• Dark Chocolate and Wine count, too—just enjoy them in moderation!

[Start] Richard Tip:

Eat at home so you can control the ingredients in your meal.
• Eat organic foods if you can afford it. No pesticides, fertilizers used.
• No dairy to reduce inflammation and bloating (no cheese, milk, yogurt etc.)
• No margarine, hydrogenised spreads.
• Natural Peanut, Almond, Safflower Butters where oil separates.
• No sugar
• No flour
• No rich gravies, use salt free herbs/spices instead
• Eat lean red meat including hamburger (4% or 8% Fat) once a month or less
• Meat: 4 oz or less per serving (deck of cards size)
• Meat: chicken, turkey, wild caught salmon, tuna, mackerel, trout
• Starches: Brown Rice, Sweet Potatoes, Multi Grain, Whole Wheat Pasta or Quinoa Pasta, Quinoa
• One cup coffee a day (Creamer = Almond Creamer, Stevia for sweetner)
• No alcohol
• No carbonated beverages
• 8-12 Glasses Water A Day (64-96 oz) (Variety: add Lemons, Limes, Cucumber Slices)
• Eat rainbow of vegetables
• Romaine, Argula, Kale, Spinach, Collard Greens, Swiss Chard, Bok Choy
• Limit nuts to 8 almonds, walnuts, etc a day
• Better to eat five 200 calorie “meals” spread throughout the day than 1/2/3 meals/day.
• Drink ½ smoothies a day with Vega Sports Performance Protein, Now Physillum Husk, 1 tsb Olive Oil.
• Oils: Extra Virgin Olive Oil (not heated), Avocado Oil for cooking, Extra Virgin Coconut Oil
• No fried foods
• No French Fries, No Fried Onion Rings (very high in Omega 6 causing artery restriction)
• Make Salad your main meal of day
• Limit eggs
• Limit Sodium Intake
• Watch canned foods: Lining of cans has BHA that the body cannot process.
• Are we having fun?

[End] Richard Tip:

Real food is not processed food.

Real food is not processed food. According to Dr. Robert Lustig, MD, founder of the Institute for Responsible Nutrition, processed food meets these seven criteria:
1. mass-produced
2. consistent batch to batch
3. consistent country to country
4. specialized ingredients from specialized companies
5. nearly all macronutrients are pre frozen (which means that the fiber is usually removed)
6. emulsified (fat and water don’t separate)
7. long shelf or freezer life

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Wait a minute, processed foods, I need the convenience! I like the taste.”

Yes, processed foods can be one of the safest foods on the planet in terms of germs, and that’s great for the short-term. Eating processed foods now and then won’t kill you, but you should really focus on eating mostly real foods if you’re concerned about your long-term health.

Food programs our bodies. Junk in, poor nutrition over time equals health problems and early death. Most everyone should have heard of this by now…..

FIVE REASONS TO EAT CLEAN.

1. Eat “healthier” without thinking about it. It’s useful to think of food as nutrients (macro- and micronutrients) so we can better understand our body. When it comes to healthy eating, it’s more useful to think of food simply as food. Choosing “real” foods lets you eat healthier from a nutrient perspective without thinking too much about nutrients.

2. Redefine your relationship with food. Do you find yourself labeling food as “good” or “bad” based on a predefined notion of what healthy eating looks like? Nothing should always be that black and white, least of all a healthy relationship with food. Choosing real foods forces you to reevaluate the foods you think are healthy (aka processed foods labeled “low fat,” “sugar-free” and so forth). That being said, if you’re willing to buy real food ingredients to bake a cake, you should be able to enjoy a slice of dessert without a side of guilt.

3. Get the most nutrients out of the foods you’re eating. Processing foods usually removes or destroys valuable nutrients. Heat (cooking) kills nutrition also. Eat raw vegetables/fruits as much as you can. Choosing mostly real foods helps you maximize the nutrients you get from the foods you eat.

4. Cook, connect and celebrate with friends and family. Since real foods come in the most natural form, it pushes you to be creative in preparing and cooking your meals. Cooking is an essential skill when it comes to living a healthy life. Since good food is a cause for celebration, get your friends and family members involved if you can. Make meal preparation fun and easy.

Smoothies, stir-frys, raw, salads. spices and fresh herbs. Think protein, vegetable and fruit on plate minus starch. Lose weight.

5. Live a longer, healthier life. “You are what you eat” is a simple mantra capturing the impact that diet quality has on your quality of life. Eating mostly real foods will decrease your chances of getting a debilitating chronic disease like heart disease, stroke, diabetes or cancer. After all, the goal of being physically healthy is to live a long life whilst avoiding these pitfalls.

THREE STEP PLAN TO EAT CLEAN

Home-cooking is at the heart of healthy eating, especially if it involves real food. Here are a few tips to get you started:

Save and organize your favorite recipes. Gather recipes from your favorite cookbooks, food bloggers or the internet at large. Rotate through the recipes as you plan your weekly or monthly meal calendar. If you’re not the planning type, having these recipes on hand will help inspire your cooking adventures.

Choose recipes that use healthy cooking techniques. Delicious food doesn’t have to be complicated; if you’re a beginner cook, choose recipes with 10 ingredients or less. To make your home-cooking even healthier, be mindful about how much sugar, sodium and cooking oil you’re adding to your foods.

Here’s a list of common additions you should use mindfully to keep your home-cooked meal healthy:
ADDED SUGAR ADDED SODIUM ADDED FAT
– Granulated sugar
– Brown sugar
-Honey
– Maple syrup
– Agave syrup – Salt
– Baking powder
– Baking soda
– Condiments (hot sauce, mustard, barbecue sauce) – Canola oil
– Olive oil
– Vegetable oil
– Peanut oil

[Start] Richard Tip: HIGHER STANDARD: ALL ABOVE–>DO NOT EAT.
Two exceptions: Olive Oil and Condiments: Watch sugar and tons of added ingredients. If you cannot pronounce the ingredient. Do not buy product. Google “Best Olive Oil Brands” while at store and buy the one listed. Most are inferior grade.
[End] Richard Tip:

Keep honing your cooking skills! No one is born an amazing cook, so if you fail at your cooking ploys, remember to learn from them. If you’re a beginner, read these resources to learn more on how to plan and prep your meals:

Beginner’s Guide to Meal Planning and Meal Prep.

Stocking up on real foods is a good first step, especially if you plan to eat more of it. Check out these pointers to help you shop real at the grocery store:

Skim the perimeter of the grocery store. It’s where real food lives. We suggest you prioritize the following aisles: fresh produce, meat and seafood. After you’ve loaded your cart, you can proceed to the center aisle for other necessities, just be sure to keep your eye on ingredient lists. Less is more! Most aisles do not need to be walked unless for exercise.

Go to the store with a grocery list. Grocery-shopping with a list is your plan for success, because you’ll know exactly what to grab and be less inclined to buy processed convenience food. Ideally, your list should reflect the recipes you intend to prep for the week.

Pick up some handy, real food snacks that require minimal prepping and no recipes.

Here are some ideas:

NO PREP SNACKS MINIMAL PREP SNACKS
– Fresh fruit
– Unsweetened dried fruit
– Raw nuts
– Dark chocolate
– Popcorn
– Baby carrots
– Cherry tomatoes
– Whole-grain crackers
– Celery sticks
– Bell pepper sticks
– Hard-boiled eggs

Think outside the grocery store! If you live near a local farmer’s market, go check it out! Farmer’s markets are a good place for you to buy and support local produce, sometimes at a fraction of what you’d pay in a brand-name grocery store. For more information, check out “Real Food Sources.”

Grabbing food on the go can be unavoidable, and we get that. Here are some strategies to choose healthier dishes and keep your food real:

Avoid fast-food and chain restaurants. The majority of meals made by these establishments contain processed foods (nuggets, patties), that use additives, preservatives, flavor enhancers and artificial coloring. If possible, choose restaurants whose main selling point is local, fresh ingredients.

Use the cooking technique as your tip-off. This isn’t a hard-and-fast rule, but it works well when you’re trying to choose healthier fare. Choose dishes that are baked, steamed, sauteed, roasted or boiled. Try to avoid items that are fried, deep-fried or drenched in heavy, cream-based sauces.

Check out the menu before you go. If possible, browse through the restaurant’s menu online first. Choose two to three options that look good to you, making it more likely you’ll make the healthier choice.
What does “real” food look like to you? Share your opinions in the comments below.

Tags: clean eating diet nutrition weight loss

Trinh Le, MPH, RD
Trinh Le is a registered dietitian for MyFitnessPal. She holds her master’s in public health, nutrition from the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. Trinh is a proponent of balancing food and exercise for a healthy lifestyle. She enjoys hiking, strength training, yoga, running and fidgeting.

[Edits]
Richard Taylor BS, CAMF, CART, CLYL, CLWI
Richard Taylor has investigated and lived it all. Weight Watchers. Atkins Diet – Heart Attack Survivor, Vegetarian, Vegan, Body Builder Diet Program, 5:2 Diet, RAW, Mix diet. Now more Holistic Medicine and Plant Based Nutrition based with limited meat/fish, little dairy, minimal starch diet. Live longer, eat clean. He enjoys reading, simple living, less is more, organic gardening, foreign movies, hiking, camping, social meet-ups, tiny home movement, sustainability living, emotional intelligence mindful living, campfires, laughter yoga, story-telling and listening, learning and laughing daily. He loves children.

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September 10, 2015


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CONTACT:

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

Couple Talk – Importance of Kindness and Fondness,  ‘Turning Towards’ 

∇ Have you become argumentive lately?

∇ Seem to only see the negative in your partner?

∇ Seem to have bad “moods” a lot lately?

∇ Not as happy as the early days in the relationship?

∇ Wonder when things are going to change?

∇ Feel stuck in your relationship?

∇ Feel not as upbeat as usual?

∇ Tired of fighting?

∇ Ponder getting back at your partner?

∇ Think: Hurt ME, and you will hurt MORE!

Well join the club!  53 % Divorce Rate In USA

Wikipedia Divorce Rates Worldwide

Need a fast change to restore your relationship to better times? Read on…

Masters And Disasters

The Gottman Institute studies of Julie and John Gottman along with many other supporting studies¹  say lasting relationships come down to kindness, fondness, turning towards your partner and an active interest in maintaining intimate friendship over the years.

A question came up: Do unhappy marriages share something in common?

Psychologist John and Julie Gottman along with Robert Levenson for the past four decades has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work.

In 1986, John Gottman with his colleague Robert Levenson  and associates, hooked the couples up to measure the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat. The hooked up ‘wiggle-monitors’ to determine the edginess of them wiggling in chairs. They establish base rates and then followed along with a research team behind walls monitoring their vital signs. They had the couples talk about their relationship. Such things like: how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and positive memories they had. Everything was recorded including videotaping.

The data suggested two major groups: the Masters and the Disasters.

Analyzing the data they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters.

The Masters were still happily together after six years.

The Disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

The Disasters

The disasters looked calm during the interviews but their active physiology told important new data understanding relationships.

  • heart rates were quick
  • sweat glands were active
  • blood flow was fast
  • often edginess in wiggling in chairs

Following thousands of couples longitudinally, The Gottman Institute found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

Say What?

The disasters showed signs of arousal—of being in fight-or-flight mode—in their relationships. The Limbric brain is involved here. Specifically the amygdala. This also affects impulse control and the anger response. (Anger Management).

Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with lions and tigers and bears.

Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other.

An example: The couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused wife might say to her husband, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.” A put down indeed. This then distances the couple, perhaps the feeling of being disrespected and an anger response arises, even if not expressed.

The Masters

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal.

They felt:

  • calm and connected together
  • Their vital signs were more normal or returned to normal quickly if aroused
  • translated into warm and affectionate behavior even if they argued.

It’s not that the masters had a better physiological make-up than the disasters. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

Professor Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it.

In 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus looking like a bed and breakfast apartment deemed “The Love Lab”.  He invited 130 newlywed couples, each couple one at a time, to spend the day at this retreat and watched and recorded as before everything normal couples do: arrive, put up groceries, eat, chat, cook, clean, listen to music, hang out, etc.

Professor Gottman and his team, made a critical discovery in this study. It identified why some relationships thrive while others wither.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.”

One of John’s favorite examples from my training with them:

The wife who is a bird enthusiast notices a bluebird flying across the yard and finds a perch on a branch. She says quietly to her husband eating cereal while watching TV, “Look …a bluejay outside!” He is apparently absorbed and says nothing to her.

Question: What does the wife feel from this interaction?

Happy?
Sad?
Mad?
Invisible?
Not heard?
Disrespected?
Disconnected?

Joyful?

No… she might feel: Invisible, Not heard, Disrespected, Disconnected

The wife is not just commenting on the bluebird, she is requesting a response from her husband, a sign of interest or support, hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The husband missed his chance with no response. He is effect “turned away.” Silence, no response.

REWIND: How would he “turn towards”?

Professor Gottman suggests the husband grunt, “Huh?” or better “Wow, a sign spring is here.”  I suggest: Put down the cereal and come over and look beside your wife holding her, perhaps better, a hug from behind, a bit of playfulness and a kiss on the cheek.

CHOOSE:  Respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” .

Though the bird-bid might seem minor, it actually reveals a lot about the health of their relationship.

People (Masters) who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t, (Disasters) those who turned away, would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy.

The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

By observing these types of interactions, Professor Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not, will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship.

Couples who practice kindness and generosity stay together. (Masters)

Couples who practice contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and hostility mostly breakup or are unhappy. (Disasters)

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in our training. Masters are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. I call it the 3 A’s. Appreciate, Acknowledge, Acceptance.

Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

  1. criticism
  2. defensiveness
  3. contempt
  4. stonewalling

Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart.

1. Couples who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 % of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder (avoidance or putting up walls) choosing to  ignore their partner or responding minimally, damage their relationship by making their partner feel invisible, alone, as if they’re not there, and/or not valued.

Being mean is the death of relationships.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is  the death of relationships.

Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together.

Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, validated and feel loved, connected. The more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.

Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. Exercise it to keep it in shape. A good relationship requires consistent mindfulness and hard work.

When your partner expresses a need (bid) even if you are emotionally not available or tired, or stressed, you still turn toward your partner.

Do not ignore the small moments of emotional connection or they will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.

Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on your relationship. This is the time to remember kindness and learn to disengage before things get ugly. Successful couples know and practice this.

ACTION:

1. Make a list of 5 Acts Of Kindness You Will Do Today, each day.

2. 3 A’s. Appreciate, Acknowledge, Acceptance. How? Practice.

See Blog on Practice Not Quarreling.

 

The Sound Relationship House (C) Gottman Institute Used With Permission. Do Not Reproduce.

The Sound Relationship House (C) Gottman Institute Used With Permission. Do Not Reproduce.

 

 

 

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Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Michele Weiner-Davis Divorce Busting Level I ​
Gottman Seven Principles Program Educator
Gottman Method Couple Therapy Level 1 Certificate of Completion
Certified ​MHS ​Bar-On Emotional Intelligence​ EQ-i 2.0 ​Provider
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Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
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THE PLATINUM RULE – A Happy Partner Is A Happy Life

Anger Management – A Happy Partner Is A Happy Life

The Golden Rule – Secular Ethics

The Golden Rule: Treat others as you want to be treated.
paraphrased from a wide variety of sources begins to provide a model for acting with empathy.

DO→ Perhaps a more accurate model is given by
The Platinum Rule: Treat others as they want to be treated.
This is huge! Find out by asking, by closely observing the everyday signals, comments and likes/dislikes your partner expresses to find out How They Want To be Treated.

Do it and anger, arguments and conflict will decrease. 

What does your partner need?


Hierachy-Of-Needs-Maslow-Theory-Diagram-8-Levels_600w96dpi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you need?

Download Free Copy To Print Out
Hierachy-Of-Needs-Maslow-Theory-Diagram-8-Levels

The principle of empathy may be sufficient to develop a complete and socially valuable code of ethics. Various organizations have developed codes of ethics based primarily on the principle of empathy. Here are some examples:

See yourself in others, when you hurt them you hurt yourself.

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CONTACT

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

Atlanta’s #1 Oldest Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence 

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