REWIRE YOUR BRAIN – PRACTICE NOT QUARRELING

Who do you argue with?

The Practice

Don’t quarrel.

Why?

It’s one thing to stick up for yourself and others. But it’s a different matter to get caught up in wrangles, contentiousness, squabbles . . . in a word: quarrels.

Similarly, it’s one thing to disagree with someone, even to the point of arguing – but it’s a different matter to get so caught up in your position that you lose sight of the bigger picture, including your relationship with the other person. Then you’re quarreling.

You know you’re quarreling when you find yourself getting irritated, especially with that sticky feeling that you’re just not gonna quit until you’ve won.

Quarrels happen both out in the open, between people, and inside the mind, like when you make a case in your head about another person or keep revisiting an argument to make your point more forcefully. We quarrel most with family and friends – imagine that! – but also with people on TV, or politicians and groups we don’t like. We can even quarrel with conditions in life (such as an illness or tight money) or with physical objects, like a sticky drawer slammed shut in anger.

However they happen, quarrels are stressful, activating the ancient fight-or-flight machinery in your brain and body: a bit of this won’t harm you, but a regular diet of quarreling is not good for your long-term physical and mental health.

Plus it eats away like acid on a relationship. For example, I was in a serious relationship in my mid-twenties that was headed for marriage, but our regular quarrels finally so scorched the earth in our hearts that no love could grow there for each other.

This week, try not quarrel with anyone or anything.

How?

Be mindful of what quarreling feels like, in your body, emotions, and thoughts. For example, be aware of that sense of revving up, pushing against, being right, and driving your view home that is so characteristic of quarreling. Ask yourself: Does this feel good? Is this good for me?

Observe the impact of quarreling in relationships, whether you’re doing it or others are (including on the world stage). Ask yourself:Are the results good? What would my relationships be like if I did not quarrel in them?

If you sense yourself warming up to a quarrel, step back, slow down, don’t do it. Try a different approach: Say only what truly needs saying; stay calm and contained, without trying to persuade the other person; don’t take any bait. If it comes to this, let the other person, not you, look over-heated and argumentative.

Richard Taylor adds: [ “If you want to always be right you will end up single.”]

Much of the time, you’ll realize that nothing needs to be said at all:you just don’t have to resist the other person. His or her words can pass on by like a gust of air swirling some leaves along its way. You don’t have to be contentious. Your silence does not equal agreement. Nor does it mean that the other person has won the point – and even if he or she has, would that actually matter so much in a week – or year – or so?

If you do get caught up in a quarrel, as soon as you realize that’s happened, back out of it. A good first step is to get quieter. Think about what really matters in the interaction – like saying what you are going to do in the future, or finding out some key fact – and then zero in on that thing, whatever it is. Maybe acknowledge to the other person that you’ve realized you’ve gotten into a kind of argument here, but that’s not what you really want to do. If that person tries to keep up the fight, you don’t have to. It takes two to quarrel, and only one to stop it. Then when the time is right, as you can, try to repair the damage of the quarrel.

Overall, explore the sense of being at peace with the world, without a quarrel with anyone.

(The feeling of this reminds me of a saying from my wife’s childhood, which should be adapted to one’s own situation: Be a friend to all, and a sister to every Girl Scout!)

by

Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
25 Mitchell Blvd.
San Rafael, California 94903

Used With Permission

My Offerings

· Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom – Written with a neurologist, Richard Mendius, M.D., and with a Foreword by Daniel Siegel, M.D. and a Preface by Jack Kornfield, Ph.D., it’s full of effective ways to use your mind to change your brain to benefit your whole being.
· Stress-Proof Your Brain -Meditations to rewire neural pathways for stress relief and unconditional happiness.
· Meditations to Change Your Brain – Three CDs of powerful guided practices, plus practical suggestions, for personal transformation.
·  Meditations for Happiness – Downloadable program (3 CDs worth) on gratitude, inner protectors, and coming home to happiness.

Question? Are we going to remember this argument in a year from now? 

Related Richard’s Selected Best In Class Books – DVDs – Meditations

Couples Conflict Management

Couples Communication Help

What Is Anger Management?

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management

5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: http://www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

A Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence The Next Generation

Emotional Intelligence, The Next Generation.

By Mr. George Anderson of Anderson and Anderson™
Edited by Richard Taylor for Atlanta Anger Management Application

The Anderson & Anderson™ Anger Management Model includes Emotional Intelligence as one of its key components.

  • Emotional Intelligence Training – Personal Coaching One on One
  • Emotional Intelligence Training – Business Organizational Seminars Training Conclaves
  • Anger Management – Personal Coaching One on One
  • Anger Management Group Classes Week Night Evenings
  • Anger Management Saturdays One Day Course (Program)
  • Anger Management Accelerated One Day Trainings (Intensives).

For information about training classes in Emotional Intelligence and / or Anger Management, please contact Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF of Atlanta Anger Management in Atlanta, GA. Please call: 678-576-1913

Emotional Intelligence has become one of the hottest buzz words in the business world. When Harvard Business Review published an article on the topic a few years ago, it attracted a higher percentage of readers than any other article published in that periodical in the last 40 years.

Emotional intelligence is the capacity to appropriately respond to emotional stimuli in a way which leads to positive outcomes in yourself and others. (EQ) is a learned ability to identity, experience, understand, and express human emotions in healthyand productive ways.

It is a relatively new concept which was popularized in 1995 by Dr. Daniel Goleman in two books; “Emotional Intelligence” and “Emotional Intelligence At Work”.

My own interest in emotional intelligence began about 7 years ago. At that time, I was conducting research for a curriculum for anger management classes. Previous anger management models tended to focus on what happens to the body and mind

when a person is under stress or anger. Emotional intelligence provided an intervention with a different set of skills which includes managing anger, stress, improving communication and emotional intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence is a key component in the Anderson & Anderson™ Model of Anger Management Intervention.

In contrast to IQ, which is the ability to manipulate objects and master precision learning, emotional intelligence can be changed, improved at any stage of life. In contrast, IQ remains stable over time and does not predict success in life or relationships.

Research by Goleman and others have shown that success in life and work is not determined by IQ but rather by emotional intelligence (EQ). The brightest students do not necessarily become the most successful. The emotionally intelligent person is the one who is aware of his own feelings, moods, assets and limitations and is sensitive, empathic and compassionate to others. He or she has the capacity to actively listen to others, give feedback and positively influence others that lead to win – win situations.

By improving your emotional intelligence you will be better able to positively influence both your overall performance and well-being, and get incredible results from your work and life. A growing body of research suggests that emotional intelligence is a better predictor of success that the more traditional measures. In fact, EQ may be the single most important factor in predicting success.

There is now a considerable body of research suggesting that a person’s ability to perceive, identify, and manage their emotions provides the basis for the kinds of social and emotional competencies that are important for success in almost any job.

This research indicated that only 20% of your success is contributed by your IQ. With 36% attributable to your emotional intelligence. At least 90% of the difference between outstanding and average leaders is related to emotional intelligence and explains why some people excel while others of the same caliber lag behind. It has been clearly established that emotional intelligence is linked to important work-related outcomes such as individual performance and organizational productivity.

Emotional Intelligence matters most in times of change. It is a measure of your ability to recognize and manage your own feelings and those of other people (staff, colleagues and customers) to produce results and traditional management skills. It is equally important when selecting the next generation of leaders.

The skills taught in an emotional intelligence coaching or classes
may include some or all of the following:

  • interpersonal awareness
  • self control
  • anger management
  • interpersonal assertion
  • listening skills
  • empathy, compassion
  • improving communication style for better outcomes
  • self-esteem
  • stress management
  • commitment
  • motivation
  • social awareness
  • flexibility
  • relationship management
  • problem solving – decision making
  • time management
  • leadership

How do issues like substance abuse, anger management and violence relate?

They are the result of unresolved conflicts relating to personal growth and a lack of knowledge about the process of making positive personal changes. Self-defeating and destructive living patterns are the result of learned behavior, any behavior which is learned can be unlearned.

When you work with other people, your relationship with them can really matter.

Using emotional intelligence is all about getting the most out of these relationships in ways that benefit everyone. Whenever you need to work with other people to deliver business outcomes, having the skills to work effectively with them will help you create a better solution and stronger relationships.

When you learn to recognize other’s emotions, you immediately begin to have greater empathy with them and to better connect with them. This gives you an advantage when working in a team.

Sometimes we respond to situations and people in ways that we may regret. It’s harder to rebuild bridges than it is to establish them. Using emotional intelligence allows you to develop strategies to respond to others comments, incidents and events that would normally push your emotional buttons.

It’s never easy to deal with conflict, but when you are aware of what drives conflict, you will be able to not just cope with the situation, but be able to diffuse the emotions that always accompanies conflict. When you know your own skills and abilities, you can focus on developing in areas that will benefit you most.

Here are some of the skills that can be developed through Emotional Intelligence:

  • Emotional Competency: constitutes the capacity to tactfully respond to emotional stimuli elicited by various situations, having high self-esteem and optimism, communication, tackling emotional upsets such as frustration, conflicts, inferiority complexes, enjoying emotions, doings what succeeds, ability to relate to others.
  • Emotional Maturity: constitutes evaluating your own emotions and those of others. The capacity to identity and express feelings. The ability to balance the state of your heart and mind. Being adaptable and flexible, appreciating other’s point of view, developing others, and delaying gratification of immediate psychological satisfaction.
  • Emotional Sensitivity: constitutes understanding the threshold of emotional arousal, managing the immediate environment, maintain rapport, harmony and comfort with others, letting others feel comfortable in your company while you feel comfortable in your own skin, empathy.
  • Customer Service: learning how to help your customers feel heard, understood, helped, served, respected, valued and important.
  • Hiring: Selecting employees with relatively high emotional intelligence, emotionally sensitive, aware, optimistic, resilient, positive, and responsible.
  • Turnover: Reducing turnover, reduction through helping employees feel appreciated, recognized, supported challenged, rewarded and respected.
  • Training: Raising emotional intelligence at all levels of the business through emotional literacy and emotional intelligence workshops.
  • Corporate Culture: Creating an environment where employees feel safe, trusted, special, needed, included, important, cooperative, focused, productive, motivated, respected and valued.
  • Productivity: Developing intrinsic motivation. Increasing employee commitment, cooperation and cohesion. Reducing lost time spent on conflict, turf-battles, defensiveness and insecurity.
  • Goal Setting: Setting goals based on feelings and hard data. For example, stating the goal that we want customers to feel satisfied, appreciated, and setting similar goals for employees. By adding emotions to Goal Settings it keeps direction appealing to the human side of goals and for better outcomes. Seek feedback on feelings, measuring and tracking performance. Often a second round is required with adjusted goals to get to the expected finish line.
  • Leadership: A leader with high emotional intelligence is emotionally aware. This means that he or she is aware of his own feelings and is not limited to logic, intellect and reasons when making decisions and managing people.

For information about training classes in Emotional Intelligence and / or Anger Management, please contact  Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF of Atlanta Anger Management in Atlanta, GA. Please call: 678-576-1913

Note:
Inquires for “Disruptive Physicians” call Mr. George Anderson directly at 310-207-3591

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator™

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam