Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Interview With Dr. Travis Bradberry

Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Interview With Dr. Travis Bradberry

University of California Television (UCTV)
Recorded on 03/24/2016. Series: “The Career Channel” [5/2016] [Business]
[Show ID: 30697]

Emotional Intelligence Vs. Intelligence Quotient

Emotional Intelligence for the masses dates back to Emotional Intelligence book by Daniel Goleman research (1995), based on the work of Dr. John Mayer, Dr. Peter Salovey, and Dr. David Caruso.

MSCEIT Emotional Intelligence Test DanGoleman

Daniel Goleman, PhD

Twenty-one years later, the research points to emotional intelligence as the critical factor that boosts star performers above other co-workers.

Emotional intelligence affects:

  • How we manage what we say and do
  • Handle social complexities
  • Personal decision making for either positive or negative outcomes

 

Emotional intelligence is made up of four core skills that pair up under two primary competencies: personal competence and social competence.

EI-2.0-FourSkillsQuadrants

Personal Competence is made up of your self-awareness and self-management skills.

Personal competence is your ability to stay aware of your emotions and manage your behavior and tendencies.

 

  • Self-Awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your emotions and stay aware of them as they happen.
  • Self-Management is your ability to use awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and positively direct your behavior.

Social Competence is made up of your social awareness and relationship management skills.

Social competence is your ability to understand other people’s moods, behavior, and motives in order to improve the quality of your relationships.

  • Social Awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on.
  • Relationship Management is your ability to use awareness of your emotions and the others’ emotions to manage interactions successfully.

EI_SkillsTreeEI-2.0_SkillSetDiagram

 

 

Emotional Intelligence 2.0

Emotional Intelligence 2.0

Click Link Below To Read / Buy on Amazon.

https://read.amazon.com/kp/card?asin=B002U3CBUW&asin=B002U3CBUW&preview=inline&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_Nqkwxb1VHWDST&tag=atlaangemana-20

 

DrTravisBradberry

 

Dr Travis Bradberry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Johann Hari: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong

Johann Hari:
Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong

The opposite of addiction is connection.
– Johann Hari

0:11
One of my earliest memories is of trying to wake up one of my relatives and not being able to. And I was just a little kid, so I didn’t really understand why, but as I got older, I realized we had drug addiction in my family, including later cocaine addiction.

0:24
I’d been thinking about it a lot lately, partly because it’s now exactly 100 years since drugs were first banned in the United States and Britain, and we then imposed that on the rest of the world. It’s a century since we made this really fateful decision to take addicts and punish them and make them suffer, because we believed that would deter them; it would give them an incentive to stop.

0:47
And a few years ago, I was looking at some of the addicts in my life who I love, and trying to figure out if there was some way to help them. And I realized there were loads of incredibly basic questions I just didn’t know the answer to, like, what really causes addiction? Why do we carry on with this approach that doesn’t seem to be working, and is there a better way out there that we could try instead?

1:09
So I read loads of stuff about it, and I couldn’t really find the answers I was looking for, so I thought, okay, I’ll go and sit with different people around the world who lived this and studied this and talk to them and see if I could learn from them. And I didn’t realize I would end up going over 30,000 miles at the start, but I ended up going and meeting loads of different people, from a transgender crack dealer in Brownsville, Brooklyn, to a scientist who spends a lot of time feeding hallucinogens to mongooses to see if they like them — it turns out they do, but only in very specific circumstances — to the only country that’s ever decriminalized all drugs, from cannabis to crack, Portugal. And the thing I realized that really blew my mind is, almost everything we think we know about addiction is wrong, and if we start to absorb the new evidence about addiction, I think we’re going to have to change a lot more than our drug policies.

1:57
But let’s start with what we think we know, what I thought I knew. Let’s think about this middle row here. Imagine all of you, for 20 days now, went off and used heroin three times a day. Some of you look a little more enthusiastic than others at this prospect. (Laughter) Don’t worry, it’s just a thought experiment. Imagine you did that, right? What would happen? Now, we have a story about what would happen that we’ve been told for a century. We think, because there are chemical hooks in heroin, as you took it for a while, your body would become dependent on those hooks, you’d start to physically need them, and at the end of those 20 days, you’d all be heroin addicts. Right? That’s what I thought.

2:33
First thing that alerted me to the fact that something’s not right with this story is when it was explained to me. If I step out of this TED Talk today and I get hit by a car and I break my hip, I’ll be taken to hospital and I’ll be given loads of diamorphine. Diamorphine is heroin. It’s actually much better heroin than you’re going to buy on the streets, because the stuff you buy from a drug dealer is contaminated. Actually, very little of it is heroin, whereas the stuff you get from the doctor is medically pure. And you’ll be given it for quite a long period of time. There are loads of people in this room, you may not realize it, you’ve taken quite a lot of heroin. And anyone who is watching this anywhere in the world, this is happening. And if what we believe about addiction is right — those people are exposed to all those chemical hooks — What should happen? They should become addicts. This has been studied really carefully. It doesn’t happen; you will have noticed if your grandmother had a hip replacement, she didn’t come out as a junkie. (Laughter)

3:25
And when I learned this, it seemed so weird to me, so contrary to everything I’d been told, everything I thought I knew, I just thought it couldn’t be right, until I met a man called Bruce Alexander. He’s a professor of psychology in Vancouver who carried out an incredible experiment I think really helps us to understand this issue. Professor Alexander explained to me, the idea of addiction we’ve all got in our heads, that story, comes partly from a series of experiments that were done earlier in the 20th century. They’re really simple. You can do them tonight at home if you feel a little sadistic. You get a rat and you put it in a cage, and you give it two water bottles: One is just water, and the other is water laced with either heroin or cocaine. If you do that, the rat will almost always prefer the drug water and almost always kill itself quite quickly. So there you go, right? That’s how we think it works. In the ’70s, Professor Alexander comes along and he looks at this experiment and he noticed something. He said ah, we’re putting the rat in an empty cage. It’s got nothing to do except use these drugs. Let’s try something different. So Professor Alexander built a cage that he called “Rat Park,” which is basically heaven for rats. They’ve got loads of cheese, they’ve got loads of colored balls, they’ve got loads of tunnels. Crucially, they’ve got loads of friends. They can have loads of sex. And they’ve got both the water bottles, the normal water and the drugged water. But here’s the fascinating thing: In Rat Park, they don’t like the drug water. They almost never use it. None of them ever use it compulsively. None of them ever overdose. You go from almost 100 percent overdose when they’re isolated to zero percent overdose when they have happy and connected lives.

4:58
Now, when he first saw this, Professor Alexander thought, maybe this is just a thing about rats, they’re quite different to us. Maybe not as different as we’d like, but, you know — But fortunately, there was a human experiment into the exact same principle happening at the exact same time. It was called the Vietnam War. In Vietnam, 20 percent of all American troops were using loads of heroin, and if you look at the news reports from the time, they were really worried, because they thought, my God, we’re going to have hundreds of thousands of junkies on the streets of the United States when the war ends; it made total sense. Now, those soldiers who were using loads of heroin were followed home. The Archives of General Psychiatry did a really detailed study, and what happened to them? It turns out they didn’t go to rehab. They didn’t go into withdrawal. Ninety-five percent of them just stopped. Now, if you believe the story about chemical hooks, that makes absolutely no sense, but Professor Alexander began to think there might be a different story about addiction. He said, what if addiction isn’t about your chemical hooks? What if addiction is about your cage? What if addiction is an adaptation to your environment?

6:03
Looking at this, there was another professor called Peter Cohen in the Netherlands who said, maybe we shouldn’t even call it addiction. Maybe we should call it bonding. Human beings have a natural and innate need to bond, and when we’re happy and healthy, we’ll bond and connect with each other, but if you can’t do that, because you’re traumatized or isolated or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief. Now, that might be gambling, that might be pornography, that might be cocaine, that might be cannabis, but you will bond and connect with something because that’s our nature. That’s what we want as human beings.

6:39
And at first, I found this quite a difficult thing to get my head around, but one way that helped me to think about it is, I can see, I’ve got over by my seat a bottle of water, right? I’m looking at lots of you, and lots of you have bottles of water with you. Forget the drugs. Forget the drug war. Totally legally, all of those bottles of water could be bottles of vodka, right? We could all be getting drunk — I might after this — (Laughter) — but we’re not. Now, because you’ve been able to afford the approximately gazillion pounds that it costs to get into a TED Talk, I’m guessing you guys could afford to be drinking vodka for the next six months. You wouldn’t end up homeless. You’re not going to do that, and the reason you’re not going to do that is not because anyone’s stopping you. It’s because you’ve got bonds and connections that you want to be present for. You’ve got work you love. You’ve got people you love. You’ve got healthy relationships. And a core part of addiction, I came to think, and I believe the evidence suggests, is about not being able to bear to be present in your life.

7:37
Now, this has really significant implications. The most obvious implications are for the War on Drugs. In Arizona, I went out with a group of women who were made to wear t-shirts saying, “I was a drug addict,” and go out on chain gangs and dig graves while members of the public jeer at them, and when those women get out of prison, they’re going to have criminal records that mean they’ll never work in the legal economy again. Now, that’s a very extreme example, obviously, in the case of the chain gang, but actually almost everywhere in the world we treat addicts to some degree like that. We punish them. We shame them. We give them criminal records. We put barriers between them reconnecting. There was a doctor in Canada, Dr. Gabor Maté, an amazing man, who said to me, if you wanted to design a system that would make addiction worse, you would design that system.

8:23
Now, there’s a place that decided to do the exact opposite, and I went there to see how it worked. In the year 2000, Portugal had one of the worst drug problems in Europe. One percent of the population was addicted to heroin, which is kind of mind-blowing, and every year, they tried the American way more and more. They punished people and stigmatized them and shamed them more, and every year, the problem got worse. And one day, the Prime Minister and the leader of the opposition got together, and basically said, look, we can’t go on with a country where we’re having ever more people becoming heroin addicts. Let’s set up a panel of scientists and doctors to figure out what would genuinely solve the problem. And they set up a panel led by an amazing man called Dr. João Goulão, to look at all this new evidence, and they came back and they said, “Decriminalize all drugs from cannabis to crack, but” — and this is the crucial next step — “take all the money we used to spend on cutting addicts off, on disconnecting them, and spend it instead on reconnecting them with society.” And that’s not really what we think of as drug treatment in the United States and Britain. So they do do residential rehab, they do psychological therapy, that does have some value. But the biggest thing they did was the complete opposite of what we do: a massive program of job creation for addicts, and microloans for addicts to set up small businesses. So say you used to be a mechanic. When you’re ready, they’ll go to a garage, and they’ll say, if you employ this guy for a year, we’ll pay half his wages. The goal was to make sure that every addict in Portugal had something to get out of bed for in the morning. And when I went and met the addicts in Portugal, what they said is, as they rediscovered purpose, they rediscovered bonds and relationships with the wider society.

10:00
It’ll be 15 years this year since that experiment began, and the results are in: injecting drug use is down in Portugal, according to the British Journal of Criminology, by 50 percent, five-zero percent. Overdose is massively down, HIV is massively down among addicts. Addiction in every study is significantly down. One of the ways you know it’s worked so well is that almost nobody in Portugal wants to go back to the old system.

10:23
Now, that’s the political implications. I actually think there’s a layer of implications to all this research below that. We live in a culture where people feel really increasingly vulnerable to all sorts of addictions, whether it’s to their smartphones or to shopping or to eating. Before these talks began — you guys know this — we were told we weren’t allowed to have our smartphones on, and I have to say, a lot of you looked an awful lot like addicts who were told their dealer was going to be unavailable for the next couple of hours. (Laughter) A lot of us feel like that, and it might sound weird to say, I’ve been talking about how disconnection is a major driver of addiction and weird to say it’s growing, because you think we’re the most connected society that’s ever been, surely. But I increasingly began to think that the connections we have or think we have, are like a kind of parody of human connection. If you have a crisis in your life, you’ll notice something. It won’t be your Twitter followers who come to sit with you. It won’t be your Facebook friends who help you turn it round. It’ll be your flesh and blood friends who you have deep and nuanced and textured, face-to-face relationships with, and there’s a study I learned about from Bill McKibben, the environmental writer, that I think tells us a lot about this. He looked at the number of close friends the average American believes they can call on in a crisis. That number has been declining steadily since the 1950s. The amount of floor space an individual has in their home has been steadily increasing, and I think that’s like a metaphor for the choice we’ve made as a culture. We’ve traded floorspace for friends, we’ve traded stuff for connections, and the result is we are one of the loneliest societies there has ever been. And Bruce Alexander, the guy who did the Rat Park experiment, says, we talk all the time in addiction about individual recovery, and it’s right to talk about that, but we need to talk much more about social recovery. Something’s gone wrong with us, not just with individuals but as a group, and we’ve created a society where, for a lot of us, life looks a whole lot more like that isolated cage and a whole lot less like Rat Park.

12:15
If I’m honest, this isn’t why I went into it. I didn’t go in to the discover the political stuff, the social stuff. I wanted to know how to help the people I love. And when I came back from this long journey and I’d learned all this, I looked at the addicts in my life, and if you’re really candid, it’s hard loving an addict, and there’s going to be lots of people who know in this room. You are angry a lot of the time, and I think one of the reasons why this debate is so charged is because it runs through the heart of each of us, right? Everyone has a bit of them that looks at an addict and thinks, I wish someone would just stop you.

And the kind of scripts we’re told for how to deal with the addicts in our lives is typified by, I think, the reality show “Intervention,” if you guys have ever seen it. I think everything in our lives is defined by reality TV, but that’s another TED Talk. If you’ve ever seen the show “Intervention,” it’s a pretty simple premise. Get an addict, all the people in their life, gather them together, confront them with what they’re doing, and they say, if you don’t shape up, we’re going to cut you off. So what they do is they take the connection to the addict, and they threaten it, they make it contingent on the addict behaving the way they want. And I began to think, I began to see why that approach doesn’t work, and I began to think that’s almost like the importing of the logic of the Drug War into our private lives.

13:33
So I was thinking, how could I be Portuguese? And what I’ve tried to do now, and I can’t tell you I do it consistently and I can’t tell you it’s easy, is to say to the addicts in my life that I want to deepen the connection with them, to say to them, I love you whether you’re using or you’re not. I love you, whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you because I love you and I don’t want you to be alone or to feel alone.

14:00
And I think the core of that message — you’re not alone, we love you — has to be at every level of how we respond to addicts, socially, politically and individually. For 100 years now, we’ve been singing war songs about addicts. I think all along we should have been singing love songs to them, because the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.

14:27
Thank you.

CONNECT:

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
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The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE MISUSE OFTEN ABUSES MEN

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE MISUSE OFTEN ABUSES MEN

More and more men are coming to Atlanta Anger Management with similar stories as below. Worth the read and reflection for those now involved in Couple Conflicts or involved with an unstable emotionally charged partner.

Please POST your comments and own experience as it will add greatly to this very needed discussion. Change in attitudes, laws, support groups, needs to happen so men have rights and justice too. Tell your story truthfully please. Thank you. – Director Richard Taylor of Atlanta Anger Management

False Allegations To Gain Advantage In Divorce

by Steve Cloer

At first I didn’t believe the stories were true. It wasn’t that I thought the stories I heard were lies or the people telling them were not being truthful, but the rational and logical areas of my mind wouldn’t let me believe them.

After all, this is America, synonymous with freedom, civil rights and justice. I discounted the stories as unusual situations or atypical. Then, I began to meet more people who told similar stories. I still could not rationally believe them. Their stories didn’t seem real. How could they be factual? Certainly something would have been done about it if any of these stories were true.

Because of the erratic behavior and problem drinking by my wife, I was warned many times to expect to become an actor, a victim in one of these stories. Still it was too unreasonable for me to imagine. Too farfetched to believe. I did not disbelieve the people who told me of their parts in these stories. However, reason would not allow me to believe the stories could be true.

It was a shock my beliefs could not recognize. “This is America,” I thought, “Millions of American men and women have sacrificed, some giving their lives to guarantee my freedom, rights and justice.” “You are innocent until proven guilty.” “Due process!” my beliefs echoed. The phrases of our freedom stuck in my mind, implanted continuously since childhood. I recalled the phrase “with liberty and justice for all.” I remembered saying that phrase thousands of time growing up, as all school children in America had each morning in their classrooms and many other places. As my son does now at each of his Boy Scout meetings. Certainly there is “liberty and justice for all” in America?

But my time had come.

I was coaching my son’s soccer team one Saturday when his mother came by the field and convinced him to leave with her after practice. While she was there waiting for the practice to end she was talking on her cell phone with a very serious, business like demeanor. I went on home alone, instead of going to eat at one of my son’s favorite places with him, as we usually did after soccer practice.

Shortly after I got home there was a knock at my door. I peered out the window and could see two sheriff’s deputies. My first thoughts were that someone had been hurt. Naively, with curiosity, I answered the door.

Their first words set my mind numb. After I heard the initial words “ Domestic Violence Complaint” I could only hear a few of the words they said, and they were mixed in the racing of my numb mind. They told me they were here to serve me.

It must be a mistake!

My thoughts raced, searching for the reasons, the source, the cause. There were none I could attribute to this ridiculous charge.

The deputy read on. I could still not hear his words. Life had immediately become a slow motion fog, the warnings of the stories I had heard rang in my head as the deputy read.

Some neighbors, seeing the sheriff’s car, had gathered across the street, watching and listening as the deputy talked loudly. When he finished he asked: “Do you understand this?” I had no idea what he had just said. I answered, “No. I hardly heard a word you said.” The deputy very loudly repeated:

  • “If you come near your residence you will be arrested.”
  • “You can have no contact with any of the members of your family, no phone calls, no letters, no emails, no notes sent through a third party, you can’t go to your children’s school to see them.”
  • “Violate any of this and you will be charged with a felony.”
  • “You have twenty minutes to pack some clothes.”

The sheriff went on, my mind went numb again, not hearing his words. I interrupted, “What is this about?” He answered, “Your wife has filed a family violence complaint against you.”

“For what?”, I asked. “You can read it in the complaint we’ll give you when you leave here,” was his answer.

The two sheriff deputies followed me throughout my house, inspecting my every move and examining each item I chose to take with me. After a short while one deputy hurried me along saying, “Finish up, we have several more places to go.” After I packed a few items they escorted me to my vehicle, took the keys to my house, workshop, and other vehicle, and, with the threat of arresting me if I returned, watched while I drove away.

For a moment I felt that I knew what it was like in 1940’s Europe, the authorities had come to my house with no evidence or proof of any wrong doing and forced me from my home and family without any pretense of a hearing or trial.

I drove to an all night restaurant and stopped in the parking lot, shaking, feeling like I was in a dream. My mind was engulfed in a mental fog, working in slow motion, churning with a thousand images running through it. I tried to read the complaint, but I had to read each word or sentence several times before my mind would concentrate enough to grasp the meaning.

The complaint was signed by Judge Gene Reeves, who I had never seen nor heard of before.

I sat in my car all night, staring out the window, unable to sleep, unable to stop the tears. I felt like a man without a country. I was instantly transformed into a homeless person with no access to my child, my belongings or my means of supporting myself. This was the first of many similar nights to follow.

As soon as I was able to concentrate on the complaint, I began to piece things together.

I remembered that ten days before my wife had pulled up into the driveway and came out to my shop where I was working. It was apparent to me that she had been drinking and she had our 7-year-old son with her as she commonly took the boy out with her driving while she was drinking! She was angry, as she frequently was when she indulged in her frequent drinking bouts.

I noticed her angry behavior and was expecting her to become physically violent, as she had many times before when she was drinking and angry. To protect myself, and save my son from observing more family conflict, I closed and locked the workshop door to prevent her entry. I was trying to avoid another one of her drunken verbal and physical attacks. Her primary statement in the complaint was that I pushed her during this incident.

Prudence and the law allow self-defense when assaulted, and leaving the conflict is strongly recommended. The law considers it child abuse when children are exposed to family violence.

Previous to this incident I had repeatedly endured verbal abuse from her when she was drinking, demands that I not associate with my friends, accusations when I wanted to leave the house, and she consistently tried to alienate our son from me.

She frequently became belligerent as a result of the alcoholic binges. That led to numerous incidents of her pushing, slapping, punching, kicking, and throwing things at me.

Despite her repeated abusive behavior I had never reported her. I found the idea of my son’s mother enduring the humiliation of being taken to jail repugnant. How could I allow my son to bear the effects of his mother being taken by the police?

From the stories I had heard from other men I felt no one would listen to me, a man, even if I made a report. If I did report her, and she was arrested, I knew she would likely seek revenge by telling my son how I had sent Mommy to jail. Her intentions were consistently to punish me by attempting to further alienate my son from me as she had already been actively doing. She had already successfully alienated my stepdaughter.

At home I had emails written by my wife to her friends describing how she had hit or kicked me, video tapes of her aggressive (a suggestion from the police), abusive, threatening physical behavior toward me. I had also kept phone contact information of people who had witnessed her abusing me, a police report filed when her mother called me on the phone and threatened to “blow me away.” But, conveniently for her, after she reported me I was not allowed into my house to retrieve these things before the court date. Even my being near my own house would result in an arrest and a felony conviction.

In the papers I was served there were several complaints other than the workshop incident, all fabrications. One such complaint was that “I held her arms,” neglecting to mention that the reason I “held her arms” was to keep her from continuing to hit me during several incidents where she had been drinking.

In my wife’s deposition, taken after the time these alleged incidents took place, there was naturally no mention of any of these drunken affrays. In fact, in the deposition my wife referred to me as “pretty perfect” when questioned about my behavior.

The compliant the sheriff served me with required that I be evaluated by a court-approved psychologist. I made an appointment, paid the fee, and attended the evaluation. I took written tests and underwent a verbal interview. The evaluation stated that there was no indication of a violent potential and that any further treatment or evaluation was not prescribed.

I went to court the first time in my life expecting serious consideration of the allegations to be examined by the judge. After all there is “justice for all” in America. A judge who cared about his duty and who stood for justice would expose the truth. The judge would have fairness, justice and the best interest of my son in mind. My thinking was that no responsible person would advocate a drunken woman becoming violent toward a father in front of the child, especially a person in such an esteemed position as a judge.

My wife had no proof or evidence of any kind to indicate that any violence took place. She had no police reports, no medical reports, no witnesses, no pictures of bruises or scrapes, nothing!

I attended the court hearing at Gwinnett Justice Center, 75 Langley Drive, Lawrenceville, Georgia 30045, telephone: (770) 822-8000, Case Number 00-A-08605-0, in front of Magistrate Judge Robert Mitchum. My lawyer advised me to play down anything that happened that would be considered violence because, no matter who was guilty, the man would be the one put out of the house.

I made a mistake. I told the truth instead.

During the hearing I was rushed through a busy court system. The judge commented “We have a lot of people here and I want to finish and get home in time for dinner.” The judge looked at me and told me, “Give me your Readers Digest condensed version of what happened.” The judge read my wife’s list of complaints. He didn’t ask me, “ Did you do this?” What is your side of the story?” “Do you dispute these allegations?” I started telling my side of the workshop incident. The judge started writing up the order before I had hardly begun my story. The Judge appeared to listen to everything my wife said and ignore anything I presented. The psychological evaluation was never brought up.

The judge told me, as he had told others that day, “It’s only for six months,” seemingly justifying his decision, as if getting thrown out of your house and work for six months was a minor inconvenience.

The judge took the usual course of “When in doubt, throw him out.” It appeared he never even considered that the woman might have been the aggressor. I was removed from my home where I made my living in my workshop and home office. I was forced to pay my abuser $500 a month and to make the $950 house payment. I was ordered to pay her credit card bill. I was not allowed near my house under threat of a felony conviction.

The 5 th and 14 th Amendments of the United States Constitution, which requires that no State shall “deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law, or deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the law,” was cast aside and ignored for both my son and myself.

My wife had lived in the same house with me for ten days after my “violent act” before she filed her complaint. She had several friends and relatives in the area but apparently didn’t feel terrified enough of me to flee to one of those places in that ten days.

Later, my son’s guardian ad litem (a court appointed person to investigate the children’s situation and recommend custody, typically a crony of the judge) stated in court and in a report that she found it strange that the complaint was filed ten days after the supposed incident. It was clear the guardian ad litem was very suspicious about the allegations. My wife’s lawyer invented the excuse that: “She couldn’t get a hold of me to find out what to do for those ten days.”

Days later I went to the court clerk’s office and looked through the case file. The judge had a paper in the file he was apparently using to take notes as my hearing took place. The notes were incorrect on several subjects; such as I prevented her from coming in the house (not the workshop). The paper was covered with doodles, indicative of the disinterest to find the facts the judge showed in my case and reflects the boredom and disinterest the judge had with the whole procedure.

Because I worked out of the workshop at my house I suffered a loss from several projects I was working on that I could not finish. That cost me thousands and damaged my company’s reputation. To pay everything the court ordered I would still have been $33 a month short after I paid my entire average monthly income. But I was barred from the shop where I derived that income.

Most importantly, my son was deprived of a very good and active father with whom he had a strong, close relationship. All this with no evidence whatsoever! I was able to see my son only because the guardian ad litem recommended 50/50 shared custody, one week with me and one week with the mother. This didn’t seem to indicate that I was a violent threat from the guardian ad litem’s perspective. However, for this to be allowed I had to secure an appropriate residence.

The cost of this residence was $1,400 a month, a one-room motel, for eight months on top of the $950 house payment and $500 support I was forced to make.

While I was out of the house, my wife pillaged my belongings, financial documents, business papers, and computer data. She took what she wanted including $7,200 from the company account. She removed my property from the house, slandered me to the neighbors and friends, and continued actively attempting to alienate my son from me.

The effect on my son was immediate. He had been on a soccer team for five seasons but quit playing because, according to comments his mother made to him: “It is too much trouble and it is too expensive.” In his second year with Boy Scouts he showed no progress with activities involving parents. He stopped doing the things he and I had enjoyed together that provided exercise; walking to school, riding bikes, hiking, soccer, and more. These physical activities were replaced by his mother with watching cartoons and playing Nintendo. My son immediately gained weight, which his young peers teased him about.

The year before, when he was in first grade and I was in the house, he was recommended for the gifted program. In the second grade, with me out of the house and unable to see him regularly, he was recommended for summer school for failing several subjects.

This situation didn’t have anything to do with the family violence associated with my wife’s drinking binges. It had to do with control. It had to do with the impending property settlement. It had to do with a future court hearing and judgment. It was the only way to get me out of the house that my wife hoped would become hers. The charge of domestic violence against me was nothing more than a way to place a face card in a hand that was yet to be played. This was a calculated move by a woman that was experiencing her third divorce, as well as being coached by her mother who had involved herself and assisted her three daughters in a total of seven divorces.

The divorce that followed effectively used the “Domestic Violence Conviction” to maximum advantage. The divorce and the results of it were even more devastating than the domestic violence case. In the divorce I was permanently forced from my home, prevented from seeing my son, and forced to pay my accuser, all with no evidence.

If someone came to anyone’s house with a gun and forced them from it, prevented them from seeing their children, and forced the occupants to pay the intruders money, this would be considered a crime of great brutality and abuse, exploitation, greed, vengeance, and a miscarriage of justice.

Since this happened to me I have met many men falsely accused of domestic violence. The number is surprising. The motivations for the accusations are the same; for the wife to gain control over the property and finances and to degrade the living standards and the emotional strength of the man to the point where he is at the mercy of the wife, her lawyer and the court.

I have seen men who were forced out of their house because of false accusations living in their cars, homeless, or accepting the favor of friends or of a church for a place to stay. These men have no money and are unable to see their children. Some of these men have committed suicide. Some have done worse.

I’ve learned that domestic violence accusations are widespread. I spent the better part of a day recently in the clerk’s office at the courthouse. There was a steady stream of women coming into the clerk’s office for domestic violence complaints. All were women. Not one man came in even though statistics show women initiate or participate in the violence in 50% of these incidents. The women were told to wait until 1:30 PM that day and then they could go to the magistrate judge’s court and he would look at their complaint. At 1:30 there were about eight women in the court waiting to have the magistrate look at their complaint. The judge came in and asked each what her problem was and filled out the complaint as the women told him their story.

He signed all of the complaints without further question or any proof whatsoever, like he was handing out Halloween candy.

I went back to the clerk’s office again and looked at the calendar for domestic violence hearings. I noticed hearings on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

When I’d had my hearing, about a year and a half before, they were only having them on Tuesdays. I asked why the extra days and she informed me that the cases have grown from about 20 per week to anywhere from 50 to 80 per week at present.

In my experience, domestic violence laws produce a misuse and abuse of the system by lawyers and unhappy spouses to gain power, increase financial gains, and attain vengeance.

Although men are commonly victims of domestic violence, the laws, attitudes, resources and actions dealing with family violence greatly favor women in a way detrimental to men.

Domestic violence laws are weapons of mass destruction in the divorce and custody wars. A woman can be assured of an ally in the judicial system to assist her in abusing a man. The judiciary has hardened their hearts against men, and fathers in particular.

The imbalance and injustice of the family violence laws and attitudes result in the continued degradation of the foundation of the American society, our families.

The day has come when the multitudinous cries of “wolf” dilutes the pleas of those few who are truly abused. Our society is already undermined by internal strife such as this between families and government. The misuse of family violence laws isn’t just an issue of one person, men in general, or noncustodial parents, this is an issue of the survival of our society.

Steve Cloer

Norcross, Georgia

Email: sacs1@mindspring.com

Source: http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-105.htm#false

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Atlanta Anger Management do not offer services in Domestic Violence or Family Violence.

Atlanta Anger Management does offer Individual Sessions and Classes for Anger Management, Anger and Rage Issues, Custody Battles Issues, Divorce/Conflict In Couples, Improved Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Stress Management and Coaching For High Conflict Interpersonal Problems.

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Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
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Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management 
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence