Keep the Conflict Small!

Keep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)

By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.

© 2015 by Bill Eddy

Whether you’re having an argument with a family member, friend or co-worker, it’s easy nowadays to make little conflicts way too big. All around us are repeated images of people arguing and losing control of their emotions – in emails, on the Internet, in movies and on TV – especially in the news (do you know what so-and-so said about you-know-who?) Not only is this unnecessary, but allowing conflicts to get large can be harmful to important relationships, increase the anxiety of those around us (especially children) and lower one’s status in other people’s eyes.

For example, in a recent article in Parade Magazine about the steps to becoming a successful entrepreneur, the author-expert Linda Rottenberg wrote: “The most important step is to manage your emotions.” (“An Entrepreneur Should Never Be a Daredevil,” November 2, 2014) In a recently-reported study about children’s brain development, child psychiatrist and researcher Jeffrey Rowe said the first five years of life are critically important to forming proper brain connections. “If you can’t control yourself, can’t control your emotions, you can’t pay attention to the outside world.” (B.J. Fikes, “Money, brain size linked,” U-T San Diego, March 31, 2015)

This article has some suggestions for keeping conflicts small by managing our emotions. Managed emotions are a big part of our skills-training methods, New Ways for Families and New Ways for Work, and may be more important in today’s world than ever before.
Try to Avoid This

A Family Feud: An argument in a couple: “You always leave your socks on the floor.” (That’s a little conflict.) “You’re such a slob.” (Now it’s a judgment about the whole person.) “You men, you’re all alike – irresponsible and self-centered!” (Now it’s about a whole gender.) If another family member came into this argument at this point, he or she would probably take gender sides and the conflict could easily get much bigger.

A Workplace Conflict: Some people clean up after themselves in the lunchroom and others don’t. Joe is a cleaner-upper. ”Look at this banana peel and sandwich bag, just left behind.” (A problem to solve.) “Why do I always have to clean up for everyone else!” (Now it’s about being a victim of everyone.) “Maybe I should go someplace to work where I’m appreciated!” (Now it’s about quitting – ending the relationship.)

A Divorce Dispute: Parents have to discuss a change of schedule: “I’ve got an opportunity for this coming Wednesday night – can we switch so I see the kids Tuesday or Thursday?” (A common problem to solve.) “I’ve told you a hundred times, I’m sticking to our Agreement, with no exceptions. 100%. The kids need absolute stability.” (Now we’re slipping into all-or-nothing thinking. Doubtful that it’s been a hundred times. However, rare cases do require no changes, because of extreme manipulation or violence in the past.) “In fact, I’m going to take you back to court to reduce your time with the kids, you f—ing jerk! You’re the worst father/mother in the world.” (Oops. Guess the children’s stability isn’t the issue after all.)
Try This Instead

In all of the above examples, the speaker quickly went from a simple problem to solve into all-or-nothing thinking and intense emotions. We refer to these emotions as unmanaged emotions, because they don’t get the person what the person really wants: respect, peace and quiet, a happy relationship, or whatever they were looking for. Now they have a bigger problem to solve and probably feel helpless or victimized, and distracted. Remember what the brain researcher said above: You can’t pay attention to the outside world when you’re busy reacting. So how can you manage your emotions in situations like this?

1. Regularly remind yourself to keep the conflict small. Ask yourself:

“Is this really a big deal?”

“Can this problem be solved by making a proposal?”

“What is the smallest issue here? Let’s start by solving that.”

“What are my choices here? I always have choices.”

2. Regularly give yourself encouraging statements. This will help you feel less defensive and less likely to over-react to other people’s behavior or emotions:

“It’s not about me!”

“I’m doing fine! I don’t have to prove anything here.”

“I can take a break!”

“I can handle this. No reason to lose control.”
Emotions Are Contagious

This all might seem very easy to do while you’re reading this. But actually it’s harder to do when other people aren’t managing their emotions, because emotions are contagious. There seems to be at least two reasons for this impact on our brains.

Amygdala responses: We have two amygdalae in our brains; one in the middle of each hemisphere. The right amygdala quickly reacts to other people’s facial expressions of fear and anger, and instantly starts a fight, flight or freeze response. Apparently the left amygdala responds more to threats in writing. You can see the protective response happening when someone else over-reacts – it’s usually sudden and extreme, and sometimes shocking in an office or in a meeting. But our prefrontal cortex (right behind your forehead) can over-ride the amygdala and say: Relax, it’s not a crisis. And the amygdala quiets down. This comes with practice – lots of practice telling yourself what’s not a crisis. This is a lot of what adolescence is about: figuring out what are real dangers that need fast all-or-nothing action and what are just problems to solve rationally.

Mirror neurons: Apparently we have neurons in our brains that fire when we do something AND when we just watch someone else doing something. Is seems that it’s a short-cut to learning – our brains are constantly getting us ready to do what others are doing. It may be a part of our group survival skills that we’re born with. Better to quickly run or fight or hide when others are doing so, rather than risk getting isolated and not surviving. But these responses can also be over-ridden – once you know about this. (So now you know about this.) But it also takes practice.

With this knowledge, you can be more specific with yourself when reminding yourself to keep the conflict small:

“I don’t have to mirror other people’s emotions.”

“I’m just having an amygdala response. But it’s not a crisis, so I can relax.”

“I have a choice: to react or focus on problem-solving. This is just a problem to solve.”
Get Support and Consultation

Another way to keep the conflict small is to talk to other people and get encouragement for yourself. This way you’ll feel less defensive and less anxious. Also, get their consultation suggestions for how to deal with a conflict and help keep it small. Ask: “Do you think this is a crisis? What do you see as my choices? What do you suggest?” Just talking to someone else can make a big difference.

You also may be facing a new problem you’ve never faced before. Don’t feel like you have to deal with it alone and don’t feel ashamed of yourself for being in your situation. Today, the types of problems most of us face have come up for thousands or millions of other people. Family issues, workplace conflicts, divorce disputes are extremely common. Yet it’s easy to see these problems as huge and overwhelming, and become isolated and feel helpless. Remind yourself: “It’s just a problem to solve. I can get consultation and suggestions from someone else. I don’t have to deal with this alone.”

Tune Out Extreme Media

Much of today’s media repeatedly shows dramatic images of people losing control over ordinary problems: from sitcoms to movies to the evening news. They compete to grab your attention with more and more extreme behavior, to get viewers and “market share” in the highly competitive world of modern media. But remember mirror neurons. We are absorbing this extreme loss-of-control behavior we observe, even when we aren’t thinking about it. Use your prefrontal cortex and remind yourself: These aren’t crises; they’re entertainment designed to grab my amygdala and mirror neurons. I can tune this out. It’s up to me what I think and feel.

Conclusion

Modern life has made us more aware of problems around the world, and exposes us constantly to other people’s over-reactions to problems. However, we can keep the conflict small, by what we tell ourselves and by understanding that we have control over our emotions to a great extent – especially if we practice encouraging statements and getting support. We’re not alone with these problems – at home or at work. We can handle them and get help when we need it. We can “Keep the conflict small!”

Bill Eddy is a mediator, lawyer, therapist and the President of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego. High Conflict Institute provides consultation for high-conflict situations, coaching for BIFF Responses (written responses that are Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm), and training for professionals in managing high conflict disputes in legal, workplace, healthcare and educational settings. He is also co-author with L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW, of the Axiom Award-Winning new book: It’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People. For books, videos for anyone, free articles or to schedule a training: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
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Silent Treatment is Emotional Abuse By Immature Partner

What Married Couples Should Know About the Silent Treatment.

It is Abusive.

By Sheri Stritof Marriage Expert

The silent treatment doesn’t work. And it is mean spirited.

This form of emotional and verbal abuse as a manipulation tactic is also ineffective and hurts your marriage.

As well as leaving important issues in your marriage unresolved, the silent treatment may make your spouse feel worthless, unloved, hurt, confused, frustrated, angry, and unimportant.
When you sulk or pout and refuse to talk about a problem, accept an apology, or help make a decision, not only are you shutting your spouse out, you are being cruel.
Like saying “I don’t care” or “whatever” or rolling your eyes or smirking, using the silent treatment is a cop out.

  • How to Respond to the Silent Treatment
    • If your spouse denies giving you the silent treatment by saying it’s just a cooling off period or a desire for some space or time alone, point out in a respectful tone of voice that you are not a mind reader and that a need for space should be expressed prior to the period of silence and that there should be a time limit to wanting time to cool off or get your act together.
  • Silent Treatment is NOT Stonewalling.
  • Some experts recommend not acknowledging the silence or cold shoulder mode and suggest you leave your spouse alone to sulk.• Don’t respond with threats.
  • Recognize the tactic of not talking to you is a control tactic or a way of avoiding having to admit making a mistake.
  • Quit inventing ways to get your mate to speak to you.
  • Walk away.Leave them to their self inflicted misery.
  • Do something fun or interesting that you want to do.
  • But if your spouse talks to you, respond with a soft courteous voice.

What Others Have to Say About The Silent Treatment

Kipling D. Williams: “A survey of over 2,000 Americans conducted by Faulkner et al. (1997) found that 67% admitted to using the silent treatment, deliberately not speaking to a person in their presence, or a loved one. The percentage was slightly higher (75%) for those who indicated that they had been a target of the silent treatment by a loved one … They found that the silent treatment was just as likely to be used by males as females, and that it was used more often to terminate a partner’s behaviors than to elicit them.”
Source:Kipling D. Williams PhD. Ostracism: The Power of Silence. 2002. pgs. 9-10.

Gregory L. Jantz, Ann McMurray: “The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser. This level of control is precisely what the abuser is looking for, as well as a way to vent his or her anger at the other person. By not verbally expressing that anger, by ‘avoiding’ showing anger, the abuser is allowed to feel as if the victim is the only person at fault for whatever wrong is perceived by the abuser. If the victim responds to the silent treatment with anger, the abuser is doubly vindicated.”
Source: Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, Ann McMurray. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. 2009. pg. 78.

Walter B. Roberts: “Silent Treatments are used to control the situation by their lack of responses. When they do nothing, others have to do all the work. The power of the Silent Treatments rests in their abilities to always be right … They maintain a position of superiority by not owning a part of a plan — if we let them get away with it …

The Trick

The trick is always to keep the Silent Treatments engaged and maybe even provide a little positive provocation to get them to respond, as a method of increasing their participation.”
Source: Walter B. Roberts Jr. Working With Parents of Bullies and Victims. 2008. pg. 75.

Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower: “The best way to counter the silent treatment is to assert your rights and ask for a speaking partner.”
Source: Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower. Asserting Your-Self: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. 1991. pg. 121.

Source: http://marriage.about.com/od/nonverbal/a/What-Married-Couples-Should-Know-About-The-Silent-Treatment.htm

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The Silent Treatment: How And Why It SCREAMS Abuse

By Cathy Meyer Divorce Support Expert

What is going on when your spouse gives you the silent treatment?

They are displaying anger and aggression and in immature way of handling marital problems and communication.

Shutting down and refusing to communicate with a spouse is an abusive way of saying, “This is all your fault, and you deal with it because I’m not going to.”

Signs

How do you know if your spouse is giving you the silent treatment?
• They refuse to speak to you.
• They leave the room when you enter.
• They talk to others around you but, not you.
• They refuse to share meals with you.
• They turn their back to you in bed.
• They don’t respond to questions when asked.
• They use the children as messengers instead of coming to you directly.

This behavior may go on for days or even weeks.

  • You live in an atmosphere that is tense and uncomfortable.
  • You second guess yourself and your words and are constantly trying to figure out a way to end the silence and get the marriage back on track.
  • You are being punished and thanks to your spouse’s silent treatment you are left to wonder what you did to earn such punishment.

Your spouse’s silent treatment is about manipulating you into getting what they want. It’s about controlling you without saying a word.
What impact does your spouse’s silent treatment have on you?

You will internalize their silence and make it about something you’ve done wrong.
Internalizing marital problems and taking responsibility for those problems with a spouse who refuses to communicate can lead to health problems, depression and anxiety.
You are constantly on guard out of fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and causing them to go silent.
The silent treatment sends the message that you and your needs are not important to the person who vowed to love and honor you. You feel dismissed!

Why is the silent treatment so damaging to the marriage and you?

  • No marriage can survive emotional assault.
  • Silent Treatment produces break up/divorce.
  • The silent abuser cannot bear real mature intimacy. It scares the hell out of them.
  • Not only is your spouse’s silent treatment abusive to you, it is abusive to the marriage.

All marriages have problems, problems don’t get solved if one party refuses to acknowledge and address those problems.

Marriage is a partnership between two mature adults.

If your spouse constantly goes silent you are living with a child who wants to be catered to and, is ill equipped to handle problems that come along with adult partnerships.

Giving someone the silent treatment is manipulation and punishment of a spouse.

The spouse who is being abused by this technique will eventually withdraw emotionally and one day give up on the marriage.

The abuser is secretly relieved. It was ‘their’ fault. They believe “I am perfect. I have no work to do on myself. Yes, it was them.” Then Repeat, next relationship same thing and over and over. One day maybe the individual wakes up. Mostly like they die alone. No one likes a person who is perfect. It is not human. Denial in abusers is the answer. They never become an adult. They defer responsibility on others. Blame is their delusional game.

Can you really stay married to such an emotional abuser when there are healthy partners wanting someone like you. An individual capable of a mature relationship with communication skills, conflict management skills and simply a loving empathetic feeling person?

Final thoughts:

Not everyone is equipped with the relationship skills needed to succeed at marriage.

The silent treatment is a distorted coping skill used by those who don’t know how to engage in an adult manner is conflict and problem solving.

They always have a reason or excuse for their behavior. My ex used to tell me that he, “Needed to cool down before talking” about a problem. The problem is, once he had “cooled down” he still refused to communicate.

Your abuser may use you as an excuse.

You may simply want to discuss an issue that they are uncomfortable with but you will be labeled as overreacting or becoming hysterical.

It isn’t about you though, it is about them and their stunted developmental patterns when it comes to lack of intimate communication.

Options

You have options, Couples can change behaviors and learn more productive relationship skills.

The Silent Treatment abuser will have to admit this is not productive and helps KILL the emotions in their partner and day by day driving them away.

Death of the relationship comes like a thief in the night.

One day the partner moves to apathy as displayed by their Silent Treatment partner.

The heart is dead. The relationship over.

Acceptance by anyone is the motivation to move on. …Never received it during the Silent Treatment abuse.

Over.

The abuser gets what they want:

No relationship involving intimacy, relationship growth.

Alone is better than that.

Accepting responsibility almost always comes too late.

All sad but true.

Want to Save Your Relationship/Marriage?

Try couple marital counseling or find a relationship coach to help the two of you begin to work together in a way that is healthy.

If, after some time you see no change in their behavior you need to decide whether or not to live with it, or divorce.

You do deserve intimacy in a marriage.

Source: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/domesticabuse/fl/The-Silent-Treatment-How-And-Why-It-SCREAMS-Abuse.htm

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The silent but deadly treatment – sabotaging your own marriage

December 29, 2010 10:27 PM MST

There are many words and actions in heated moments within an argument that can be considered hurtful and destructive to one’s marriage relationship. Some scratch the surface of poking at the threshold of provocation; and others dig deep irreversible wounds to the soul, never to be recovered from.

But there is a trend among married couples that seems to continue to permeate grown, mature adult marriage relationships, no matter what religious preference, race or nationality, or upbringing.

It’s the act of giving what’s been coined, “The Silent Treatment,” or simply put, purposefully ignoring your spouse and withholding all forms of interactivity and conversation.

Almost all do not realize that they are in fact sabotaging their own relationship by this hurtful tactic and could even possibly dissolve the foundation to which the relationship was based on in the first place.

Many dub giving the “Silent Treatment” as a form of pure “abuse”. Also subscribed as “the worst emotional abuse known”. To that we have no reason to disagree.

Giving your spouse the silent treatment is understood as a form of punishment to the other person.

  • The clear intent is a purposeful endeavor to make the other:
  • • feel unimportant,
  • • devalued,
  • • belittled,
  • • isolated to their own self without the human contact,
  • • All in retribution and revenge because of one or more things that were said or done.

The immediate problem is… what if the hurt was not on purpose, but accidental?
To quote Abuse101.com,

“Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser’s existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation.
In a word..it’s meant to torture someone you profess to love.”
(http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html)

Giving someone this “Silent Treatment” is such a negative form of abuse and retribution, that even Merriam-Webster has a real definition for this coined term.

The definition states, “An act of completely ignoring a person or thing by resort to silence especially as a means of expressing contempt or disapproval.(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/silent%20treatment)

The low-down.

Despite the fact that giving someone the “Silent Treatment” is a clear show of immaturity and spite, we would also like to bring to light a few thoughts on how this will simply affect your marriage.

Firstly, it is completely counter-productive!

The whole point in your actions when dealing with being hurt by your partner is to communicate to them how they might have hurt you so that they can realize the impact their words or actions had on you. But instead of communicating, you have destroyed that opportunity for the both of you to restore the closeness, love and overall feelings of love and friendship.

Instead of making your partner feel bad and wanting to crawl to you, you have put them in a position of now having to survive devastating hurt coming from you.
The Silent Treatment is in all levels counterproductive to the point that it can literally become a factor of separation or divorce and disillusionment of a marriage.

Secondly, it shows your partner that you cannot handle real, life problems.

It brings to mind the children in the playground that stick out their bottom lip, and stick their fingers in their ears while they loudly and obnoxiously sing, “la-la-la, I can’t hear you!”

Truth be told, giving the Silent Treatment is not an effective way to deal with real issues. Yet there are untold adults that do just that.

There are many more effective ways to deal and communicate with your partner than to give the Silent Treatment.

Just know, that when you do this, it not only deeply wounds the one you love, but also yourself and your own marriage.

It tears at the very fabric of what holds your marriage together, and gives way the opportunity for bitterness and wrath to utterly destroy your marriage.
So, when the urge comes to give the Silent Treatment, resist it.

Just make sure you do whatever it takes to move past this type of behavior.

Seek counseling for yourself.

Your self-righteousness will destroy your marriage that YOU caused.

You are the Silent Treatment Abuser.

Wake Up to Emotional Intelligence before your high IQ destroys you.

You will be right and single.

When it comes to marriage, silence is certainly not golden, communication is paramount.

Silent but deadly…not farts…You!

Choose the relationship by learning Conflict Management skills and learn to Communicate.

Silence does not work in a mature relationship called marriage.

Source: http://www.examiner.com/article/the-silent-but-deadly-treatment-sabotaging-your-own-marriage

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder Definition
By Mayo Clinic Staff

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs.

You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy (psychotherapy).

If you have narcissistic personality disorder:

  • you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious.
  • You often monopolize conversations.
  • You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior.
  • You may feel a sense of entitlement
  • When you don’t receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry.
  • You may insist on having “the best” of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.
  • At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism.
  • You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation.
  • To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior.
  • Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.

 

Causes

It’s not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. As with other mental disorders, the cause is likely complex.

  • Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to:
    • Mismatches in parent-child relationships with either excessive pampering or excessive criticism
    • Genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking
    • Parenting styles that overemphasize the child’s specialness and criticize fears and failures may be partially responsible.
    • The child may hide low self-esteem by developing a superficial sense of perfection and behavior that shows a need for constant admiration.

 

Treatments and drugs – Psychotherapy

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy.

 

Psychotherapy can help you:

• Learn to relate better with others so your relationships are more intimate, enjoyable and rewarding

• Understand the causes of your emotions and what drives you to compete, to distrust others, and perhaps to despise yourself and others

Because personality traits can be difficult to change, therapy may take several years.

Areas of change are directed at helping you accept responsibility and learning to:
• Accept and maintain real personal relationships and collaboration with co-workers
• Recognize and accept your actual competence and potential so you can tolerate criticisms or failures
• Increase your ability to understand and regulate your feelings
• Understand and tolerate the impact of issues related to your self-esteem
• Release your desire for unattainable goals and ideal conditions and gain an acceptance of what’s attainable and what you can accomplish

Medications

There are no medications specifically used to treat narcissistic personality disorder. However, if you have symptoms of depression, anxiety or other conditions, medications such as antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs may be helpful.

Source: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20025568

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Silent treatment speaks volumes about a relationship

Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY 6:03 a.m. EDT August 3, 2014

If you’re suffering in silence — or because of it — your relationship may be more endangered than you realize, according to new research that shows those whose interactions include the “silent treatment” can spell ruin for the future.

Although researchers say the cold shoulder is the most common way people deal with marital conflict, an analysis of 74 studies, based on more than 14,000 participants, shows that when one partner withdraws in silence or shuts down emotionally because of perceived demands by the other, the harm is both emotional and physical.

“The more this pattern emerges within your relationship, the greater the chances one or both partners experience heightened levels of anxiety or may use more aggressive forms of behavior,” says Paul Schrodt, a professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, who led the study published this spring in the journal Communication Monographs.

“Each partner sees the other person’s behavior as the start of a fight,” he says. “If you go to him and ask why he’s so withdrawn from his wife, it’s because ‘she’s constantly nagging me and constantly asking a million questions.’

If you ask her why she’s making demands of him, it’s because ‘he doesn’t tell me anything. I don’t get the sense he cares about our relationship.’ Each partner fails to see how their own behavior is contributing to the pattern.”

In much of the research, Schrodt says, the man tends to be more silent; but psychologist Les Parrott of Seattle says he has seen less of a breakdown along gender lines.

“I see plenty of men get demanding,” he says.

It’s that pattern, Schrodt says, that is so damaging, because it signals a serious sign of distress in the relationship. The research, which spanned from 1987 to 2011, wasn’t specifically about the silent treatment; however, the silent treatment is part of a broader pattern that extends not just to romantic relationships but to parenting styles as well, which also were part of the research, he says.

Parrott, co-author of The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring you Closer, a book published in April, says the silent treatment is a very difficult pattern to break because it’s such an ingrained behavior.

“We learn this strategy very early on — just as little kids — to shut somebody out as a way to punish,” Parrott says. “Many of us are prone to sulk or to pout, and that is an early form of giving somebody the silent treatment.”
Parrott, a psychology professor at Seattle Pacific University, says nothing good comes from the silent treatment because it’s “manipulative, disrespectful and not productive.”

Schrodt’s analysis found that couples who use such conflict behaviors experience lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication, which is also associated with divorce.

And, he says, some of the studies found the effects were not just emotional but physiological, such as urinary, bowel or erectile dysfunction.

“Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,” Schrodt says. “Both partners see the other as the problem.”

Parrott and Schrodt agree being aware of the destructive pattern can help resolve it.

“Conflict is inevitable, but how you manage it can make the difference,” Parrott says.

How to break the pattern of the silent treatment

— Become aware of what’s really going on. The person making demands feels abandoned; the silent person is protecting himself. Each needs to ask: “Why am I behaving this way? How does my behavior make my partner feel?”
— Avoid character assassination. It will do more damage to label your spouse as “selfish” or “rude.”
— Use the word “I,” because the more you use “you,” the longer your squabble will last.

 

You can say something like, “This is how I feel when you stop talking to me.”
— Mutually agree to take a timeout.

 

When the cycle emerges, both partners need to cool their heads and warm their hearts before engaging.

And some people just need a bit of time to think before they speak. This in NOT Days.
— Genuinely apologize as soon as you are able.

Source: Les Parrott, psychologist at Seattle Pacific University; co-author of the 2014 book The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring you Closer
Source: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/08/03/relationships-conflict-research/12987065/

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By: Mort Fertel, author and Founder of the Marriage Fitness System for Relationship Renewal.

In marriage, you can be right or you can be happy.

Let me explain, and let me start by sharing an email I received from a women struggling in her marriage. She wrote:

Dear Mort,

We are in week 2 of the silent treatment! It all started over something so little and ridiculous! We are both adults, old enough to know better than this! He is a judge, I am a social worker ! He won’t budge! I need help!

Jodie

Oh, the dreaded silent treatment. The big stand-off. You know it, right? Horrible, isn’t it? And it doesn’t just eat away at your marriage; it eats away at your stomach. The stress on your body and the tension in your house…it’s the WORST.

At the time, you’re committed to avoiding him/her for the rest of your life. You’ve never prayed so hard wishing that he/she won’t come into the room or that he/she would just go to bed already.

Sometimes you feel like you could explode, right? There’s so much bottled-up inside you.

And yet you let it continue. WHY?

You refuse to be the one to apologize first. You’re NOT going to break the ice this time. Why not?        Answer: Ego.

Most silent treatments start like Jodie’s started…with something “little and ridiculous.” Most couples can’t remember what the impetus was. And if they could, they’d be too embarrassed to admit that something so small blew-up into something so big.

So what are these silent treatments or stand-offs REALLY about? And how can you avoid them or end them soon after they begin?

It’s interesting that Jodie made a point to share with me that she and her husband “know better.” In other words, they’re intelligent, educated, and accomplished people. Jodie’s husband is even a judge, an expert in distinguishing between right and wrong. They know that treating each other this way doesn’t make sense. They know IT is wrong. But they also know that THEY are right.

And that’s exactly the problem.

Silent treatments ensue when both people feel they’re RIGHT. And the more intense each spouse’s conviction to their perspective, the longer the silence lasts.

And, ironically, the more intelligent and the articulate the couple, the MORE LIKELY they are to endure silence between them. Because intelligent and articulate people have confidence in their position and justification for holding their ground.

Although Jodie is surprised that her and her husband, intelligent people, could be so petty; the fact is that one reason they’re holding their silence for so long is BECAUSE they’re intelligent.

In other words, intellectual capacity and marital satisfaction can be INVERSELY related.

Let me say it another way: When it comes to your marriage, you can be right or you can be happy. But sometimes you can’t be both.

In a courtroom, a hospital, or an office , right and wrong determine success or failure. The decision to prescribe the right medicine, for example, could be the difference between life and death. The relationship between the doctor and the patient is secondary.

Being RIGHT is what matters and what is rewarded.

In marriage, being right has no value. All that matters is the relationship.

Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?

Remember, being right in your marriage will get you NOTHING.

Just because you’re right/wrong paradigm works at the office doesn’t mean that you should bring it home. “He who is a hammer thinks everything is a nail.”

Some things work perfectly in one area of life and fail terribly in another.

In marriage, you have to be like a carpenter and know which tool to use.

The right/wrong mode is the WRONG tool to use in your marriage.

The more you insist on being RIGHT, the more you will be miserable in your marriage. Don’t go for RIGHT; go for LOVE.

Jodie expects that because she and her husband are “intelligent,” they shouldn’t find themselves in these petty stalemates. But just because Jodie and her husband have a high

IQ, doesn’t mean they have a high EQ.

IQ is a measure of your INTELLECTUAL intelligence. The higher your IQ, the better your ability to process information and determine what’s “right.”

EQ is a measure of your EMOTIONAL intelligence. The higher your EQ, the better your ability to connect with people and succeed in relationships.

Just as some athletes are strong but not fast, so too many people have a high IQ but a low EQ.

Bottom line: Intelligence, in the way Jodie means it, has little bearing on her and her husband’s ability to succeed in their marriage. In fact, a high IQ coupled with a low EQ can be a disastrous combination for a marriage.

The good news, however, is that EQ can be developed.

Here’s one way to begin to develop your EQ and improve the quality of your relationship.

The first step is to redefine what it means to be RIGHT.

Most people think of right and wrong as black and white. And our experience at work usually reinforces this understanding. After all, there can only be one verdict, one prescription, and one marketing plan. In other words, if I’m right then unless you agree with me you are wrong.

But there is a TRUTH which transcends right and wrong.

What do you see?

The picture you’re looking at is a picture of BOTH a profile of two people and a wine glass. But YOU can only see one at a time. It’s optically impossible for you to see both images at the same time. HOWEVER, they are BOTH there.

face

What do you see?

One person sees a profile. Your partner sees a frontal view. Whose right?

Right and wrong is an emotionally immature way to view most things in the context of marriage.

 

TRUTH has more than one perspective.

 

Your ability to see the truth from your spouse’s perspective is crucial for the success of your relationship. Can you “Human-Up” and see your partner’s point of view. Nope, did not think so. You are an idiot.

How did that feel? Make you mad? Are you triggered so easily. I rest my case.

And I don’t mean that you should see things from your spouse’s perspective as a manipulative strategy for finding compromise or out of pity toward your spouse.

You need to see your spouse’s perspective so YOU can come to a more complete understanding of TRUTH. If you’re only a profile, then you’re not seeing the whole picture. Your spouse is your ticket to you having a greater understanding.

Silent treatments are usually the result of spouses having too narrow a view of the truth. Just because you’re right doesn’t mean your spouse is not right ALSO.

Next time you’re at a stand-off with your spouse, ask them to explain their perspective.

And you don’t have to get defensive.

Do not stonewall.

Do no do The Silent Treatment. Grow up.

You don’t have to compromise your position in order to acknowledge theirs.

The chances are good that you are BOTH right. Two smart ass people.

And when you appreciate their perspective, you’ll be a better person and the silence will end.

When it comes to your marriage, it’s better to be happy than right. That’s the TRUTH as I see it. But, hey, I’m open to your perspective.

CONTACT:

Couple Conflict Management Sessions:

Stress Management:

EQ Development

Emotional Intelligence EQ-i 2.0 Assessment to measure your current EQ strengths and weaknesses.

Anger Management

Assertion Training

Director Richard Taylor

Director Richard Taylor

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

9 Ways Therapists Can Tell If Your Relationship Is Going To Survive

9 Ways Therapists Can Tell If Your Relationship
Is Going To Survive

1. You have fun together.

“The skills couples need to keep intimacy alive in a long-term relationship aren’t obvious because people don’t talk about them,” says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. “Most couples need to lower their expectations of romance and glamour and raise the level of fun they have together,” she says. This means having regular dates and check-in talks, plus taking time to enjoy activities together. “Successful couples make plans to try new things together, go out, have fun, laugh, and play,” adds Marni Feuerman, a marriage expert in Boca Raton, Florida. “They know that novelty breathes positive energy into a relationship.”

2. You’re trustworthy.

Hiding purchases, online relationships, or your feelings from your spouse? That’s a big no-no. “Couples in successful marriages have each other’s backs and do not keep secrets,” says Feuerman. “They behave in ways that better both each other and the relationship—not just themselves.”

3. You’re in it together.

“The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership in which both parties feel respected, cared about, and needed,” says Tessina. Even if you’re having problems, if you approach them as a team they’re easier to solve. Michael J. Salamon, PhD, a couples therapist based in Hewlett, New York and author of Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven System for Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship, points to a couple he recently worked with as a great example of teamwork. “Financial stress caused them to cut their budget way back, and the stress was exacerbated every month when bills arrived,” he explains. The couple fought a lot about what to pay and when. So Salamon asked them to develop a plan to manage their bills while he observed them. “Just giving them the task of working on it together changed the tone. They saw the challenge now as something that belonged to both of them and, and something they should work on together,” he says.

4. You touch each other.

Often. Couples who love each other show it, even during the difficult times that land them in therapy. If you want your marriage to make it, touch your partner as often as possible (put your hand on your spouse’s leg while driving; give him a little squeeze now and then; hug and kiss each other.) Make a point to cuddle in front of the television, on the porch swing, or in your bedroom. “Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted,” says Tessina. “When this feeling is created, barriers fall.” And that brings us to sex. “If a marriage is going to last, both partners need to be able to demonstrate their love by giving and receiving physical affection,” says Feuerman. “A romantic relationship is a sexual relationship and not just a platonic friendship.”

5. You let go of grudges.

Simply put, resentment will destroy a marriage. So you need to step up and say “I’m upset because X.” “When one spouse claims to be ‘fine’ when he is in fact agitated, it creates an environment in which one person has to guess the other’s true feelings, and no one likes that game,” says Karissa Brennan, a New York City-based psychotherapist and founder of Cloud Counseling, an online counseling site. “The more you show your partner what bothers you, the more she’ll understand how to help you through it,” she says. Marriages are successful when couples learn to express their feelings clearly and respectfully in the moment.

6. You lean in.

Not in a Sheryl Sandberg kind of way, but in a body language kind of way. “A tilt of the head, a shift of the leg, a look or a change in tone can all indicate a breakthrough, a change in awareness that says they are now hearing, understanding and are being responsive to one another,” says Salamon. He cites a couple he recently worked with where the wife felt like her husband didn’t show affection anymore. After a bit of back and forth it became clear that mornings for the couple were especially hectic. “I asked if they kiss one another good-bye when they leave every morning and hello when they get home every night,” he says. “They committed right then and there to kiss more, even if just in passing, and to have one date night a week.”

7. You like and respect each other.

Spouses in successful marriages really strive to meet each other’s needs simply because they genuinely like to see their partners happy. “They’re concerned when their spouse seems unhappy and don’t just blow it off, thinking ‘that’s his problem,’ ” says Feuerman. They ask what’s wrong when something seems off. They offer solutions. And they show gratitude and appreciation for each other by thanking them and hearing them out.

8. You empathize with each other.

“I notice if couples are empathizing with each other, listening attentively, and responding,” says Feuerman. “Good partners turn toward each other—not away—when one of them is trying to make an emotional connection.” Likewise, successful couples try hard to avoid gridlock on issues. “Some issues in a relationship are just not solvable (for example, personality traits) so a couple that is going to make it practices things like tolerance, empathy, and negotiation when problems arise,” says Feuerman.

9. You make up the right way.

The biggest clue to whether a marriage is sustainable is how couples reunite after a tiff, says Jeannette Raymond, PhD, a licensed marriage therapist in Los Angeles and author of Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t!. “Taking the initiative to invite your partner back into your world after a disappointment is a good sign,” she says. “It doesn’t mean you have necessarily gotten over it, but it shows that your need to restore your emotional connection and security in the relationship takes precedence over your hurt feelings.” These couples want to make it work and recognize that sometimes that means saying you’re sorry and sticking around to solve the problems. Adds Feuerman: “One of the most important things I notice is that the couple views their marriage as a life-long journey and not something to quickly bail on when things get rough. The couples that make it ride out the ups and downs together as a team and stay committed.”

Source: http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/love-sex/9-ways-therapists-can-tell-if-your-relationship-is-going-to-survive/ss-AAcm2x1?ocid=UP97DHP&fullscreen=true#image=2

LOCAL ATLANTA COUPLES CONFLICT HELP:

CONTACT:

Richard TaylorDirector Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

Father’s Day Drama – Focus On The Positives

Father’s Day Drama – Focus On The Positives

With a large percentage of multiple parent families¹ these days being civil to all involved can be an exercise in restraint, taking the higher road, control of impulses and  using emotional intelligence.

Lesson today: Focus on Positives and being Kind.

Case Study: This weeks Father Day’s Aftermath News…

Denise Richards Had The Best Response To Charlie Sheen’s Angry Father’s Day Tweets

Charlie Sheen showed that he can still totally shock people when he took to Twitter during Father’s Day yesterday, targeting ex-wife Denise Richards and branding her ‘the worst mum alive’.

Luckily, Denise was taught to kill such nasty comments with kindness, and responded on her own Twitter in the best way possible.

Charlie, 49, went on something of a vile Twitter rant on Sunday, taking aim at his 44-year-old ex-wife (and the mother of two of his kids, 11-year-old Sam and 10-year-old Lola), writing: “Brooke M is a sexy rok star whom I adore D Richards a heretic washed up piglet Shame pile Happy Father’s Day!!! [sic]”

Brooke M most likely refers to Brooke Mueller, his third ex-wife and the mother of his twin sons Bob and Max, who were once in Denise’s custody.

He wasn’t done there though, continuing on to add: “Cadre: On FD; Father’s Rights! I INSIST we devour the mendacity of these “kidnapping” D Richards “types” & bring justice to “us,”.“

He later seemed to clear up what he was referring to (sort of) in a “open letter to the media,” in which he hints that his anger stems from a conflict over money. Possibly.

The letter starts by saying: “Denise Richards is a shake down piece of s**t doosh phace & worst mom alive!”

The whole Twitlonger is removed along with his other tweets deleted.

Denise Response:
Happy Dad’s Day! @charliesheen have a great trip in Mexico! Kids were disappointed u weren’t here for it- Hey we’ll celebrate when u r back!

However, rather than fighting fire with fire, Denise had THE classiest response to the rant, tweeting simply to wish Charlie a Happy Father’s Day.

She wrote: “Happy Dad’s Day! @charliesheen have a great trip in Mexico! Kids were disappointed u weren’t here for it- Hey we’ll celebrate when u r back!”

Kill them with kindness, babes.

And Happy Fathers Day to all the dads including my own dad Irv! Best dad ever & an amazing Grandpa!

Yup ain’t that the truth https://t.co/5SZyosCvat

She later tweeted another message to all the other amazing dads in the world, before retweeting a Twitter user’s inspirational message about not letting negativity get you down.

YAAAAAS

Other Twitter users were ready to show the actress a ton of support following her message, with Louise Mensch writing: “classy and classic burn, sis.”

Source: http://rachelannepilcher.tumblr.com/post/122156541802/denise-richards-had-the-best-response-to-charlie

_____________________________________________________________

ADVICE: If you cannot control your impulses you should not use Social Media. See first Episode of HBO “Ballers” starring Dwayne Johnson on Sunday nights. Advice he gives to one of the characters who destroys his career with impulse control issues.

Denise Richards teaches us to focus on the Positives and being Kind. You cannot control another but you can CHOOSE to control yourself. As I say, “Another’s person’s chaos is theirs, not yours.” Remain neutral and do not get sucked in.” It is called maintaining your boundaries.

Anger Management awareness has increased since the first movie “Anger Management”
and Charlie’s Sheen’s TV series “Anger Management”. Those of us who coach Anger Management appreciate this increased awareness. There is a real need for true research based Anger Management practices to help people control their emotions.

Director/Owner Richard Taylor of Atlanta Anger Management seeks to help people.

Anger Is An Emotion

DO I NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT?

Answer YES to any of these and you need help managing your anger or rage so you do not destroy your life.

ANGER IS A PROBLEM:

• When it occurs too frequently
• When it is too intense
• When it lasts too long for days
• When it leads to health issues – heart disease, GI issues, stress attacks and anxiety
• When it destroys relationships: personal life, at work and expressed in public
• When it results in person-directed aggression: verbal abuse or physical abuse

  • Blow up with little provocation
  • Yell when you are angry
  • Curse when you are angry
  • Damage property
  • Hurt yourself when angry
  • Hit or slap others when angry
  • Humiliate others
  • Poor loser
  • Always have to be right
  • Your siblings are angry people
  • Family relationships are no longer pursued
  • I like being alone
  • I dream of being alone
  • I use work so you do not have to deal with your partner
  • I never rest, I feel I have to be busy all the time
  • I am a perfectionist
  • Low Frustration Tolerance
  • Extremely fast to express yourself without any thought of outcome
  • I find little pleasure in simple things anymore
  • I drink to mask my discomfort; to “feel better”
  • I smoke pot to “feel better”
  • Intimate relationships have always been very volatile
  • I prefer to isolate myself from others
  • I like long distant relationship to enjoy my freedom
  • I like long distant relationship to prevent deep intimacy ties
  • I prefer to not feel
  • I get angry while driving
  • I get angry while playing sports
  • I am a angry golfer
  • I have difficulty accepting criticism
  • I get defensive in conversations
  • I am inattentive while listening
  • I am impatient while listening
  • I prefer to talk rather than listen
  • I interupt every conversation
  • I redirect conversation to my talking points
  • I like to give advice to everyone
  • I like to be right
  • I like pain so hurt myself
  • I have violent dreams often
  • I have violent day dreams or fantasies often
  • I think about “pay backs” and getting even often
  • I think about shooting someone often
  • I feel trapped by my life
  • Life sucks then you die
  • I watch hours of TV to pass the time
  • I sleep all the time
  • Conversations become debates or arguments frequently
  • I end relationships often
  • I can’t keep a job
  • I move a lot
  • I do not maintain family ties
  • I admit I am angry
  • People tell me I need anger management

 

Call Richard Taylor at 678.576.1913 for help.

COUPLE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT HELP

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

25 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Toxic

  1) Your partner puts you down verbally, in private or in front of others.
2)
Your partner tells you he/she loves you but behavior shows otherwise.
3)
Your partner doesn’t want you to see or talk to friends or family.
4)
Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids.
5)
Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly or opens your mail.
6)
Your partner calls you often to see what you are doing.
7)
You cry often or feel depressed over your relationship.
8)
Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if only you would change.
9)
Your partner wants you to be dependent on him.
10)
Your partner does things for you and then uses them to make you feel obligated.
11)
Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
12)
You don’t know who you are anymore without him/her, or how you would survive.
13)
Your friends/family don’t like your partner or don’t think he is good for you.
14)
You have changed things about yourself to suit your partner, even when it is not your taste.
15)
You always go where your partner wants to, like movies, restaurants, etc.
16)
Your partner has made you feel afraid or unsafe, and you have been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him/her (walking on eggshells).
17)
You don’t feel you have control of your life anymore.
18)
Your self-esteem is lower since you’ve been with your partner.
19)
You think it’s up to you to make the relationship work.
20)
You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn’t understand.
21)
Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid.
22)
Your partner accuses you of cheating and is overly jealous.
23)
Your partner can be really sweet to you one minute, and really mean the next.
24)
Your partner seems really sweet/loving to you when he/she thinks you are about to leave the relationship, or after he/she has been mean to you.
25)
You can’t remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight.  

Many people are in relationships that are unhealthy.

When a person is in the middle of this relationship, it is often difficult to see how detrimental the relationship is to his or her self-esteem. Others may tell you that your partner is not “good for you” or that they can’t understand “why you don’t leave.”

Your partner may be a good provider, a good father, and at times, loving and kind to you. However, there are other times when you are left feeling alone, afraid, or upset and don’t understand what is going on.

Dr. Lillian Glass, author of Toxic People, describes a toxic person as “anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused.” It may be difficult for people to admit they are in a toxic relationship, because they are intelligent, self-sufficient individuals in other aspects of their lives. Most people in toxic relationships, however, have the sense that something is just not right.

By Kathy Reed O’Gorman

If you need help with your relationship, talk to a friend or family member, a clergyman, an anger management provider.

Call Richard Taylor at 678.576.1913 at Atlanta Anger Management to set up appointment.

If you are in danger, help is available at The National Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 799-SAFE, where someone can put you in touch with battered women’s shelters and other resources. Remember, no one can take care of you as well as YOU can. Get the help you need.

More resources

http://www.newliving.com/issues/dec_2003/articles/toxic%20relationships.html http://www.gerzon.com/resources/getting_out.html

2010 © Associated Content, All rights reserved.

 

Takeaways

You don’t have to be physical abused to be in an unhealthy relationship.

Some relationships are toxic, so unhealthy they can seriously affect one’s self-esteem.

Toxic partners can be very loving and giving at times.

Call Richard Taylor owner and chief facilitator at 678.576.1913 for immediate help and start getting on the right track for better living.

Richard’s one of a kind sense of humor will help you lighten up.

Anger Management is not counseling. It is education based and actually enjoyable.

Attend individually, and/or as a couple.

Use Private Sessions or Anger Management Classes.

What Is Anger Management?

Call right now and make a change. Anger does not go away on it’s own as you know.


Call Richard Taylor at 678.576.1913

REMINDER: Focus on Positives, practice kindness, attitude of gratitude, acceptance,
move from a reactive impulse driven emotional style to a choice based slower neutral or nice response style. This is Anger Management/Emotional Intelligence development!

CONTACT:

Richard TaylorDirector Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 in Atlanta, Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

________________________________________________
References
¹ Less than half (46%) of U.S. kids younger than 18 years of age are living in a home with two married heterosexual parents in their first marriage. This is a marked change from 1960, when 73% of children fit this description, and 1980, when 61% did, according to a Pew Research Center analysis of recently-released American Community Survey (ACS) and Decennial Census data.
http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/12/22/less-than-half-of-u-s-kids-today-live-in-a-traditional-family/

Vegetable Oils Are Toxic – STOP

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6 Reasons Why Vegetable Oils Are Toxic
By Kris Gunnars

“I am personally convinced that vegetable oils (along with added sugars and refined wheat) are key players in the epidemics of chronic, Western diseases, which are currently the biggest health problems in the world.
Take Home Message
If you want to be healthy, feel good and lower your risk of serious diseases, then you should avoid vegetable oils as if your life depended on it (it does).

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FAST TIP:
Good Oils: Organic Extra Virgin Olive Oil not heated, Avocado Oil for cooking high heat, and Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil for smoothies, cooking. Use all sparingly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many people perceive vegetable oils as healthy.
Maybe it’s because they have the word “vegetable” in them.
I mean… vegetables are good for you, right? So vegetable oil must be too…

Even the mainstream nutrition organizations recommend that we eat them, because according to them, unsaturated fats are much healthier than saturated fats.

However, many studies have now demonstrated that these oils can cause serious harm (1).
The composition of the fatty acids in them is different than anything we were ever exposed to throughout evolution.

This is leading to physiological changes within our bodies and contributing to multiple diseases.

hhjak of pixabay  Used With permission.

hhjak of pixabay
Used With Permission.

6 reasons why vegetable oils are downright toxic.

1. Vegetable Oils are Very “Unnatural” in Large Amounts
In this article, I’m referring to processed seed oils like soybean oil, sunflower oil, corn oil, canola oil, cottonseed oil, safflower oil and a few others.
Even though they aren’t really vegetables, these oils are commonly referred to as “vegetable oils.”
These oils contain very large amounts of biologically active fats called Omega-6 polyunsaturated fatty acids, which are harmful in excess.
This does NOT apply to healthy plant oils like olive oil or coconut oil, which are extremely good for you.
Humans have been evolving for a very long time, but industrial food processing is brand new. We didn’t start producing vegetable oils until about a hundred years ago.
Between the years 1909 and 1999, the consumption of soybean oil increased more than a thousandfold and now supplies about 7% of calories in the U.S. diet (2).

Take a look at this video to see how commercial canola oil is made:
This processing method is really disgusting and involves pressing, heating, various industrial chemicals and highly toxic solvents. Other vegetable oils are processed in a similar manner.

It baffles me that anyone would think this stuff is fit for human consumption.
If you choose healthier brands that have been cold pressed (lower yield and therefore more expensive) then the processing method will be much less disgusting, but there is still the problem of excess Omega-6 fats.

Bottom Line: Humans were never exposed to these oils until very recently on an evolutionary scale, because we didn’t have the technology to process them.

2. Vegetable Oils Mess up The Fatty Acid Composition of The Body’s Cells
There are two types of fatty acids that are termed “essential” – because the body can’t produce them.

These are the Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids.

It is absolutely essential for the human body to get these fatty acids from the diet, but it must get them in a certain balance.
While humans were evolving, our Omega-6:Omega-3 ratio may have been around 4:1 to 1:2. Today, our ratio is as high as 16:1 on average, with great variation between individuals (3).

These fatty acids aren’t just inert structural molecules or fuel for the cell’s mitochondria, they serve vital functions related to processes known to affect various systems like the immune system (4).

When the balance of Omega-6s and Omega-3s in the cell is off, things can start to go terribly wrong.

Another problem is the relative unsaturation of these fatty acids. Polyunsaturated fats have two or more double bounds, while monounsaturated fats have one and saturated fats have no double bonds.

The more double bonds in a fatty acid, the more reactive it is. Polyunsaturated fatstend to react with oxygen, which can cause chain reactions, damaging other structures and perhaps even vital structures like DNA (5, 6).

These fatty acids tend to sit in the cell membranes, increasing harmful oxidative chain reactions.

Our body fat stores of Linoleic Acid (the most common Omega-6 fat) have increased 3-fold in the past 50 years.
That’s right, excessive consumption of vegetable oils leads to actual structural changes within our fat stores and our cell membranes.
I don’t know about you, but I find that to be a pretty scary thought.

Bottom Line: Omega-6 and Omega-3 fatty acids are biologically active and humans need to eat them in a certain balance to function optimally. Excess Omega-6s in our cell membranes are prone to harmful chain reactions.

 

3. Vegetable Oils Contribute to Inflammation
Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids are used to make substances called eicosanoids in the body.

These are modified fatty acids that sit in the cell membranes.

There, they play a crucial role in bodily functions like cellular messaging, immunity and inflammation.

If you’ve ever taken aspirin or ibuprofen and noticed relief from headache or some kind of pain, then that’s because these drugs inhibit the eicosanoid pathways and reduce inflammation.

Whereas acute inflammation is good and helps your body heal from damage (such as when you step on a lego), having chronic, systemic inflammation all over your body is very bad.
Generally speaking, eicosanoids made from Omega-6s are pro-inflammatory, while those made from Omega-3s are anti-inflammatory (7).

These different fatty acids compete with each other. The more Omega-6 you have, the more Omega-3 you need. The less Omega-6 you have, the less Omega-3 you need (8).
Having high Omega-6 AND low Omega-3 is a recipe for disaster, but this is the case for people eating a Western diet.

Put simply, a diet that is high in Omega-6 but low in Omega-3 contributes to inflammation. A diet that has balanced amounts of both Omega-6 and Omega-3 reduces inflammation (9).

It is now believed that increased inflammation can contribute to various serious diseases, including cardiovascular disease, arthritis, depression and even cancer.

Bottom Line: Eicosanoids, signaling molecules made from Omega-6 and Omega-3 fats, are crucial in regulating inflammation in the body. The more Omega-6s you eat, the more systemic inflammation you will have.

4. Vegetable Oils Are Loaded With Trans Fats
Trans fats are unsaturated fats that are modified to be solid at room temperature.

These fats are highly toxic and are associated with an increased risk of various diseases, like heart disease, cancer, diabetes and obesity (10, 11, 12).

They are so bad that even the governments around the world have started taking action, setting laws that command food manufacturers to reduce the trans fat content of their foods.

However, a little known fact is that vegetable oils often contain massive amounts of trans fats.

In one study that looked at soybean and canola oils found on store shelves in the U.S., about 0.56% to 4.2% of the fatty acids in them were toxic trans fats (13).

If you want to reduce your exposure to trans fats (you should) then it’s not enough to avoid common trans fat sources like cookies and processed baked goods, you also need to avoid vegetable oils.

Bottom Line: Trans fats are highly toxic and associated with multiple diseases. Soybean and canola oils commonly sold in the U.S. contain very large amounts of trans fats.

5. Vegetable Oils Can Dramatically Raise Your Risk of Cardiovascular Disease
Cardiovascular disease is the most common cause of death in the world (14).

Whereas saturated fats were once considered to be key players, newer studies prove that they areharmless (15, 16).

Now the attention is increasingly being turned to vegetable oils.

Multiple randomized controlled trials have examined the effects that vegetable oils can have on cardiovascular disease.

3 studies have found a drastically increased risk (17, 18, 19), while 4 found no statistically significant effect (20, 21, 22, 23).

Only one study found a protective effect, but this study had a number of flaws (24).

If you look at observational studies, you find a very strong correlation.
This graph is from one study where the Omega-6 content of blood was plotted against the risk of death from cardiovascular disease (25):

 

You can see the U.S. sitting there at the top right, with the most Omega-6 AND the greatest risk of death from cardiovascular disease.

Even though this study only shows a correlation, it makes perfect sense given that inflammation is a known contributor to these diseases.

I’d like to point out that there are some studies showing that polyunsaturated fats reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease. But the problem is that they don’t make the distinction between Omega-3s and Omega-6s, which is absolutely crucial.

When they do, they see that Omega-6s actually increase the risk, while Omega-3s have a protective effect (26).

Bottom Line: There is evidence from both randomized controlled trials and observational studies that vegetable oils can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease.

6. Vegetable Oil Consumption is Associated With Various Other Diseases
Because polyunsaturated fats are so tightly involved in the function of the body on a molecular level, it makes sense that they could affect other diseases as well.

Many of these association aren’t well studied in humans (yet), but there are both observational studies and animal studies linking vegetable oils to other serious diseases:

• In one study, increased Omega-6 in breast milk was associated with asthma and eczema in young children (27).

• Studies in both animals and humans have linked increased Omega-6 intake to cancer (28, 29).

• One study shows a very strong correlation between vegetable oil consumption and homicide rates (30).

• The Omega-6:Omega-3 ratio in blood has been found to be strongly associated with the risk of severe depression (31).

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Inflammation, and therefore vegetable oil consumption, is associated with a wide range of serious diseases and it is beyond the scope of this article to cover all of them.

I am personally convinced that vegetable oils (along with added sugars and refined wheat) are key players in the epidemics of chronic, Western diseases, which are currently the biggest health problems in the world.

Take Home Message
If you want to be healthy, feel good and lower your risk of serious diseases, then you should avoid vegetable oils as if your life depended on it (it does).

© 2012-2015 Authority Nutrition. All rights reserved.
AuthorityNutrition.com does not provide medical advice, treatment or diagnosis.

SOURCE: http://authoritynutrition.com/6-reasons-why-vegetable-oils-are-toxic/

DISCLAIMER: Richard Taylor does not provide medical advice, treatment or diagnosis.
Consult your Holistic Integrated Medicine Practitioner for health concerns.
ATLANTA ANGER MANAGEMENT : Public Service Announcement.

Couple Talk – Importance of Kindness and Fondness,  ‘Turning Towards’ 

∇ Have you become argumentive lately?

∇ Seem to only see the negative in your partner?

∇ Seem to have bad “moods” a lot lately?

∇ Not as happy as the early days in the relationship?

∇ Wonder when things are going to change?

∇ Feel stuck in your relationship?

∇ Feel not as upbeat as usual?

∇ Tired of fighting?

∇ Ponder getting back at your partner?

∇ Think: Hurt ME, and you will hurt MORE!

Well join the club!  53 % Divorce Rate In USA

Wikipedia Divorce Rates Worldwide

Need a fast change to restore your relationship to better times? Read on…

Masters And Disasters

The Gottman Institute studies of Julie and John Gottman along with many other supporting studies¹  say lasting relationships come down to kindness, fondness, turning towards your partner and an active interest in maintaining intimate friendship over the years.

A question came up: Do unhappy marriages share something in common?

Psychologist John and Julie Gottman along with Robert Levenson for the past four decades has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work.

In 1986, John Gottman with his colleague Robert Levenson  and associates, hooked the couples up to measure the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat. The hooked up ‘wiggle-monitors’ to determine the edginess of them wiggling in chairs. They establish base rates and then followed along with a research team behind walls monitoring their vital signs. They had the couples talk about their relationship. Such things like: how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and positive memories they had. Everything was recorded including videotaping.

The data suggested two major groups: the Masters and the Disasters.

Analyzing the data they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters.

The Masters were still happily together after six years.

The Disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

The Disasters

The disasters looked calm during the interviews but their active physiology told important new data understanding relationships.

  • heart rates were quick
  • sweat glands were active
  • blood flow was fast
  • often edginess in wiggling in chairs

Following thousands of couples longitudinally, The Gottman Institute found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

Say What?

The disasters showed signs of arousal—of being in fight-or-flight mode—in their relationships. The Limbric brain is involved here. Specifically the amygdala. This also affects impulse control and the anger response. (Anger Management).

Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with lions and tigers and bears.

Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other.

An example: The couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused wife might say to her husband, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.” A put down indeed. This then distances the couple, perhaps the feeling of being disrespected and an anger response arises, even if not expressed.

The Masters

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal.

They felt:

  • calm and connected together
  • Their vital signs were more normal or returned to normal quickly if aroused
  • translated into warm and affectionate behavior even if they argued.

It’s not that the masters had a better physiological make-up than the disasters. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

Professor Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it.

In 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus looking like a bed and breakfast apartment deemed “The Love Lab”.  He invited 130 newlywed couples, each couple one at a time, to spend the day at this retreat and watched and recorded as before everything normal couples do: arrive, put up groceries, eat, chat, cook, clean, listen to music, hang out, etc.

Professor Gottman and his team, made a critical discovery in this study. It identified why some relationships thrive while others wither.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.”

One of John’s favorite examples from my training with them:

The wife who is a bird enthusiast notices a bluebird flying across the yard and finds a perch on a branch. She says quietly to her husband eating cereal while watching TV, “Look …a bluejay outside!” He is apparently absorbed and says nothing to her.

Question: What does the wife feel from this interaction?

Happy?
Sad?
Mad?
Invisible?
Not heard?
Disrespected?
Disconnected?

Joyful?

No… she might feel: Invisible, Not heard, Disrespected, Disconnected

The wife is not just commenting on the bluebird, she is requesting a response from her husband, a sign of interest or support, hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The husband missed his chance with no response. He is effect “turned away.” Silence, no response.

REWIND: How would he “turn towards”?

Professor Gottman suggests the husband grunt, “Huh?” or better “Wow, a sign spring is here.”  I suggest: Put down the cereal and come over and look beside your wife holding her, perhaps better, a hug from behind, a bit of playfulness and a kiss on the cheek.

CHOOSE:  Respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” .

Though the bird-bid might seem minor, it actually reveals a lot about the health of their relationship.

People (Masters) who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t, (Disasters) those who turned away, would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy.

The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

By observing these types of interactions, Professor Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not, will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship.

Couples who practice kindness and generosity stay together. (Masters)

Couples who practice contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and hostility mostly breakup or are unhappy. (Disasters)

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in our training. Masters are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. I call it the 3 A’s. Appreciate, Acknowledge, Acceptance.

Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

  1. criticism
  2. defensiveness
  3. contempt
  4. stonewalling

Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart.

1. Couples who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 % of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder (avoidance or putting up walls) choosing to  ignore their partner or responding minimally, damage their relationship by making their partner feel invisible, alone, as if they’re not there, and/or not valued.

Being mean is the death of relationships.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is  the death of relationships.

Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together.

Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, validated and feel loved, connected. The more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.

Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. Exercise it to keep it in shape. A good relationship requires consistent mindfulness and hard work.

When your partner expresses a need (bid) even if you are emotionally not available or tired, or stressed, you still turn toward your partner.

Do not ignore the small moments of emotional connection or they will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.

Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on your relationship. This is the time to remember kindness and learn to disengage before things get ugly. Successful couples know and practice this.

ACTION:

1. Make a list of 5 Acts Of Kindness You Will Do Today, each day.

2. 3 A’s. Appreciate, Acknowledge, Acceptance. How? Practice.

See Blog on Practice Not Quarreling.

 

The Sound Relationship House (C) Gottman Institute Used With Permission. Do Not Reproduce.

The Sound Relationship House (C) Gottman Institute Used With Permission. Do Not Reproduce.

 

 

 

Need Relationship Help?

Have Couples Conflict?

CONTACT: 

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Michele Weiner-Davis Divorce Busting Level I ​
Gottman Seven Principles Program Educator
Gottman Method Couple Therapy Level 1 Certificate of Completion
Certified ​MHS ​Bar-On Emotional Intelligence​ EQ-i 2.0 ​Provider
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

 

THE PLATINUM RULE – A Happy Partner Is A Happy Life

Anger Management – A Happy Partner Is A Happy Life

The Golden Rule – Secular Ethics

The Golden Rule: Treat others as you want to be treated.
paraphrased from a wide variety of sources begins to provide a model for acting with empathy.

DO→ Perhaps a more accurate model is given by
The Platinum Rule: Treat others as they want to be treated.
This is huge! Find out by asking, by closely observing the everyday signals, comments and likes/dislikes your partner expresses to find out How They Want To be Treated.

Do it and anger, arguments and conflict will decrease. 

What does your partner need?


Hierachy-Of-Needs-Maslow-Theory-Diagram-8-Levels_600w96dpi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you need?

Download Free Copy To Print Out
Hierachy-Of-Needs-Maslow-Theory-Diagram-8-Levels

The principle of empathy may be sufficient to develop a complete and socially valuable code of ethics. Various organizations have developed codes of ethics based primarily on the principle of empathy. Here are some examples:

See yourself in others, when you hurt them you hurt yourself.

ATLANTA ANGER MANAGEMENT RESOURCES
call or e-mail Richard Taylor 678.576.1913

Couples Conflict Help
Anger At Work
Aggressive Driving Help & Stress
Improving Communication & Active Listening
Individual Sessions [Solo or Couple] For Anger ~ Rage ~ Stress ~ Assertion Building ~ Conflict ~ Empathy Building ~ Building Emotional Intelligence ~ Performance Enhancement ~ Relief From Anxiety ~ Stop Arguing
Stress Management
Emotional Intelligence EQ-i 2.0 Assessment For High Performance Careers
More

CONTACT

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

Atlanta’s #1 Oldest Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence 

RELATIONSHIP TIP

RELATIONSHIP TIP

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

Martin Luther King, Jr.


Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/martin_luther_king_jr.html#MRHCc8gewKZt438D.99

Couples Conflict Management Help

Individual Couple Sessions

CONTACT

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Richard Taylor BS, CAMF

Richard Taylor BS, CAMF

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Oldest Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence 

MEN EXPERIENCE MORE WORK/HOME CONFLICT STRESS

MEN EXPERIENCE MORE WORK/HOME CONFLICT STRESS

For the first time in polling history, men experience more work/home conflict related stress than women.

At higher rates than ever, men want to be at home, having a part in raising their kids.

They don’t want to just show up at sports games, and think they’re the world’s best dad.
But many women don’t want to go to work

With the choice:
37% of women would prefer to work full time
50% part time
And 11% wouldn’t work at all
Compared to the 75% of men who would want to work full time

The weeks workload is evening out:
Women: 59 hours
Men: 58 hours

But Men still work outside the home 11 more hours than their
(partners in dual working couples)

Making work/home conflict a bigger deal for men

For dual earning couples
6% more women than men say they are happy with their lives
And men are twice as likely to say that they are unhappy with their lives than women

A more balanced work/home achievement rate would solve the male crisis

The question remains:
Why hasn’t the demise of institutionalized sexism, and higher education rates amongst women led to more success outside the home?

Contributing Factors

Fields of work
Women dominate the education field
Men dominate the engineering and MBA programs

The Wharton school is the closest to achieving “the magic half” of gender equality in MBA programs[4] and it is still 58% male

Money’s a pretty big incentive to stay outside the home.

Location
Currently, men are at work longer, leaving them less time to

  • Help around the house
  • Spend time with the kids the kids

Even if they are willing to help, they’re in another place

Postpartum
Many work places are now offering men pregnancy leave if their spouse is expecting

In California, where up to 6 weeks of unpaid leave is available to fathers, only 29% of those who take the leave are men

But think about it:
If there are no health complications:
The baby needs feeding (80% are breastfed)
The baby sleeps
The mother rests
And occasionally the baby goes to the bathroom
Sure mom can use some help, but days on leave are often listless for dads

Expectations
Even if the man does the cleaning, the woman is often blamed by others if the house is not cleaned well enough.

Reactions
Whether cultural, emotional, or something else, women overwhelmingly feel guiltier pulling late nights at the office, or going on extended business trips with kids.

Communication breakdown
Woman: “support me more”
man: “But you always tell me I’m doing it wrong.”
Don’t worry, sometimes progress comes in fits and starts. Adjusted per family income is on the rise, and three times as many father’s spend time with their kids as in 1965.

Need help sorting things out?

Call Richard for Couples Conflict Management Session or Stress Management  at 678.576.1013

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management 
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

_______________________________________________________________
citations

Pew
Gallup
Esquire
[4]http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2013-01-14/women-in-business-school-why-so-few

Source: http://collegedegreesearch.net/men/  Used With Permission.

_______________________________________________________________

9 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND

9 Things You Should Never Say to Your Husband

Avoid uttering these common phrases that could undermine your marriage

By Denise Schipani

One of the best parts about marriage is being so comfortable with your hubby that you can say just about anything to him. But if you don’t watch your mouth, sometimes the ugly truth comes out in hurtful—not helpful––ways.

Though you may have legitimate concerns to express or issues to bring up, doing so in a harsh manner can be damaging in the long term, to both your husband’s feelings and your relationship.

According to Judy Ford, psychotherapist and author of Every Day Love, “Speaking kindly is a skill that couples have to learn. Everyone feels battered by life and the outside world. You shouldn’t feel that way at home.”

Here, nine statements that you should never utter to your significant other––and the words that you should try instead.

1. “Yes, I had an orgasm.” (when you didn’t) 

2. “You’re just like your father. 

3. “When are you going to find a new job?” 

4. “My mother warned me you’d do this!” 

5. “Just leave it––I’ll do it myself! 

6. “You always… [fill in the blank]” or “You never… [fill in the blank]” 

7. “Do you really think those pants are flattering?”

8. “Ugh, we’re hanging out with him again? 
9. “Please watch the kids. But don’t do this, take them here or forget that…” 

Read more: How To Talk To Your Husband – What Not To Say To Your Husband – Woman’s Day

 

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management 
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence