A FORCE FOR GOOD – The Dalai Lama’s Vision For Our World – New Book

A note from Dan Goleman:

As I was interviewing the Dalai Lama for my book A FORCE FOR GOOD: The Dalai Lama’s Vision for Our World, Paul Ekman’s work came up repeatedly. The Dalai Lama places great importance, for one, on Paul’s mapping the emotions – a tool that can help people get a better grip on their own. Then there’s the Cultivating Emotional Balance program¹, which has helped countless teachers and others mange their inner world better.

DanGolemanAs Paul makes clear in his book, there is the challenge the Dalai Lama poses to all of us, moving toward the ideal of universal compassion, an attitude that values every person on Earth equally.

In A FORCE FOR GOOD the Dalai Lama suggests we start with an emotional transformation toward greater calm, clarity, and compassion. Then, with this inner rudder, act to improve the world he spells out what our world needs in many spheres – ranging from transparency to dispel corruption in government and business, to a more caring economics, to healing the planet.

And he urges us to act now, in whatever way we can – even if we won’t see the results in our lifetime. We can change the future over the course of this century, if we all act to create this force for good, he urges.
Intriguingly, the arguments the Dalai Lama makes are not based in Buddhism, but rather in science.  He supports his views by drawing on the countless meetings he has had over the decades with world-class scientists – especially Paul’s work.

Paul Ekman Group Website

P.E.G.

Paul has spent more than 60 hours in one-on-one conversation with the Dalai Lama. As Paul puts it, they are like brothers.

Dr. Paul Ekman

Dr. Paul Ekman

Of all the many achievements over the course of Paul’s career, this may be the most remarkable. For one, even those close to the Dalai Lama’s inner circle find it difficult to schedule time with that ceaseless world traveler. For another, when Richard Davidson and I were considering which scientists to invite to participate in the Mind and Life meeting on “Destructive Emotions,” we had misgivings about Paul, despite his being at the top of our list.

Our hesitation had to do with Paul’s tough-mindedness as a scientist – we were unsure what his chemistry might be with the Dalai Lama – and we know that beyond first-class science, personal rapport made these meetings work. And, as Paul has said himself, at first during the meeting he had his own doubts. But on the third day there was a personal encounter with Paul and the Dalai Lama – when Paul introduced his daughter Eve, and the Dalai Lama held on to Paul’s hand as they spoke.

There was an almost electrical charge, as Paul has put it – and a subsequent deep change in Paul’s being. Where he had been quick to anger, as Paul describes, after that encounter he didn’t even have an angry thought for about nine months.

While most of us can’t hope for such a drastic inner transformation, any of us can begin the inner journey toward more peace and clarity.  As for myself, I find that meditation has offered a way to renew that state daily.

Cultivating Emotional Balance offers a range of approaches to emotional hygiene. There are countless methods.

But as the Dalai Lama emphasizes, that’s a first step. By also enhancing our own compassion, we become better able to act in ways that will add our energy to the force for good he calls us to create.

A Force For Good

A Force For Good

 

Daniel Goleman’s book A FORCE FOR GOOD: The Dalai Lama’s Vision for Our World, can be ordered at www.JoinAForce4Good.org/book.

 

Amazon Books

A Force for Good: The Dalai Lama’s Vision for Our World

by Daniel Goleman (Author), Dalai Lama (Introduction)

His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama  Of Tibet

His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama Of Tibet

For more than half a century, in such books as The Art of Happiness and The Dalai Lama’s Little Book of Inner Peace, the Dalai Lama has guided us along the path to compassion and taught us how to improve our inner lives. In A Force for Good, with the help of his longtime friend Daniel Goleman, the New York Times bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence, the Dalai Lama explains how to turn our compassionate energy outward. This revelatory and inspiring work provides a singular vision for transforming the world in practical and positive ways.

Much more than just the most prominent exponent of Tibetan Buddhism, the Fourteenth Dalai Lama is also a futurist who possesses a profound understanding of current events and a remarkable canniness for modern social issues. When he takes the stage worldwide, people listen.

A Force for Good combines the central concepts of the Dalai Lama, empirical evidence that supports them, and true stories of people who are putting his ideas into action—showing how harnessing positive energies and directing them outward has lasting and meaningful effects. Goleman details the science of compassion and how this singular guiding motivation has the power to

• break such destructive social forces as corruption, collusion, and bias
• heal the planet by refocusing our concerns toward our impact on the systems that support all life
• reverse the tendency toward systemic inequity through transparency and accountability
• replace violence with dialogue
• counter us-and-them thinking by recognizing human oneness
• create new economic systems that work for everyone, not just the powerful and rich
• design schooling that teaches empathy, self-mastery, and ethics

Millions of people have turned to the Dalai Lama for his unparalleled insight into living happier, more purposeful lives. Now, when the world needs his guidance more than ever, he shows how every compassion-driven human act—no matter how small—is integral for a more peaceful, harmonious world, building a force for a better future.

Revelatory, motivating, and highly persuasive, A Force for Good is arguably the most important work from one of the world’s most influential spiritual and political figures.

Understand the Force

 Understand the Force

EMBODY COMPASSION

EDUCATE THE HEART

OPPOSE INJUSTICE

CHOOSE HUMANE ECONOMICS

HELP THOSE IN NEED

HEAL THE EARTH

CONNECT ACROSS DIVIDES

 

For local help managing your emotions through:

  • Emotional Intelligence Development
  • Anger Management
  • Stress Management
  • Improved Communications
  • Conflict Management
  • Developing Sound Relationships
  • Coping Strategies
  • Conscious Breathing
  • Laughter Yoga
  • Introduction to Mindfulness
  • Balance of Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual Domains

CONTACT

Richard TaylorDirector Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

Atlanta’s #1 Oldest Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

 

______________________________________________
REFERENCES
¹ Cultivating Emotional Balance Research Project

About Cultivating Emotional Balance

Cultivating Emotional Balance is a research project, which arose from a dialogue between biobehavioral scientists studying emotion and the Dalai Lama, Buddhist monks, and scholars at the Mind and Life Institute in Dharamsala, India in March of 2000. This meeting was one in a series sponsored by the Mind and Life Institute to foster an interchange between Buddhist tradition and Western science.

At this meeting, the Dalai Lama asked scientists if they could conduct research to determine whether or not secularized Buddhist practices would be helpful to Westerners dealing with “destructive” emotional experiences. In response to this request, Dr. Paul Ekman and Dr. B. Alan Wallace, developed a training program that integrated Buddhist contemplative practices with Western techniques for dealing with negative emotional experiences. The training’s purpose is to reduce emotional responses that are destructive to self and others and enhance compassion and empathy. This research project, “Cultivating Emotional Balance In Challenging Times” (CEB), is the result of that interchange.

Over the centuries, Buddhism has refined meditation methods which probe the nature of the mind and promote positive states of mind, including compassion. Decades of scientific research has been conducted on altruism, empathy, pro-social behavior, and other concepts that relate directly to compassion. However, there are almost no studies in scientific literature that have found any form of training or intervention that can increase compassion. In fact, there is no agreed upon definition of compassion in the scientific literature.

In these challenging times, the development of methods for “cultivating emotional balance” and promoting compassion for others is a tremendously important scientific and humanitarian goal. By integrating wisdom derived from two very different traditions, the CEB project investigators hope to contribute to this important goal.

Visit Website: http://www.cultivatingemotionalbalance.org/?q=content/home

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Father’s Day Drama – Focus On The Positives

Father’s Day Drama – Focus On The Positives

With a large percentage of multiple parent families¹ these days being civil to all involved can be an exercise in restraint, taking the higher road, control of impulses and  using emotional intelligence.

Lesson today: Focus on Positives and being Kind.

Case Study: This weeks Father Day’s Aftermath News…

Denise Richards Had The Best Response To Charlie Sheen’s Angry Father’s Day Tweets

Charlie Sheen showed that he can still totally shock people when he took to Twitter during Father’s Day yesterday, targeting ex-wife Denise Richards and branding her ‘the worst mum alive’.

Luckily, Denise was taught to kill such nasty comments with kindness, and responded on her own Twitter in the best way possible.

Charlie, 49, went on something of a vile Twitter rant on Sunday, taking aim at his 44-year-old ex-wife (and the mother of two of his kids, 11-year-old Sam and 10-year-old Lola), writing: “Brooke M is a sexy rok star whom I adore D Richards a heretic washed up piglet Shame pile Happy Father’s Day!!! [sic]”

Brooke M most likely refers to Brooke Mueller, his third ex-wife and the mother of his twin sons Bob and Max, who were once in Denise’s custody.

He wasn’t done there though, continuing on to add: “Cadre: On FD; Father’s Rights! I INSIST we devour the mendacity of these “kidnapping” D Richards “types” & bring justice to “us,”.“

He later seemed to clear up what he was referring to (sort of) in a “open letter to the media,” in which he hints that his anger stems from a conflict over money. Possibly.

The letter starts by saying: “Denise Richards is a shake down piece of s**t doosh phace & worst mom alive!”

The whole Twitlonger is removed along with his other tweets deleted.

Denise Response:
Happy Dad’s Day! @charliesheen have a great trip in Mexico! Kids were disappointed u weren’t here for it- Hey we’ll celebrate when u r back!

However, rather than fighting fire with fire, Denise had THE classiest response to the rant, tweeting simply to wish Charlie a Happy Father’s Day.

She wrote: “Happy Dad’s Day! @charliesheen have a great trip in Mexico! Kids were disappointed u weren’t here for it- Hey we’ll celebrate when u r back!”

Kill them with kindness, babes.

And Happy Fathers Day to all the dads including my own dad Irv! Best dad ever & an amazing Grandpa!

Yup ain’t that the truth https://t.co/5SZyosCvat

She later tweeted another message to all the other amazing dads in the world, before retweeting a Twitter user’s inspirational message about not letting negativity get you down.

YAAAAAS

Other Twitter users were ready to show the actress a ton of support following her message, with Louise Mensch writing: “classy and classic burn, sis.”

Source: http://rachelannepilcher.tumblr.com/post/122156541802/denise-richards-had-the-best-response-to-charlie

_____________________________________________________________

ADVICE: If you cannot control your impulses you should not use Social Media. See first Episode of HBO “Ballers” starring Dwayne Johnson on Sunday nights. Advice he gives to one of the characters who destroys his career with impulse control issues.

Denise Richards teaches us to focus on the Positives and being Kind. You cannot control another but you can CHOOSE to control yourself. As I say, “Another’s person’s chaos is theirs, not yours.” Remain neutral and do not get sucked in.” It is called maintaining your boundaries.

Anger Management awareness has increased since the first movie “Anger Management”
and Charlie’s Sheen’s TV series “Anger Management”. Those of us who coach Anger Management appreciate this increased awareness. There is a real need for true research based Anger Management practices to help people control their emotions.

Director/Owner Richard Taylor of Atlanta Anger Management seeks to help people.

Anger Is An Emotion

DO I NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT?

Answer YES to any of these and you need help managing your anger or rage so you do not destroy your life.

ANGER IS A PROBLEM:

• When it occurs too frequently
• When it is too intense
• When it lasts too long for days
• When it leads to health issues – heart disease, GI issues, stress attacks and anxiety
• When it destroys relationships: personal life, at work and expressed in public
• When it results in person-directed aggression: verbal abuse or physical abuse

  • Blow up with little provocation
  • Yell when you are angry
  • Curse when you are angry
  • Damage property
  • Hurt yourself when angry
  • Hit or slap others when angry
  • Humiliate others
  • Poor loser
  • Always have to be right
  • Your siblings are angry people
  • Family relationships are no longer pursued
  • I like being alone
  • I dream of being alone
  • I use work so you do not have to deal with your partner
  • I never rest, I feel I have to be busy all the time
  • I am a perfectionist
  • Low Frustration Tolerance
  • Extremely fast to express yourself without any thought of outcome
  • I find little pleasure in simple things anymore
  • I drink to mask my discomfort; to “feel better”
  • I smoke pot to “feel better”
  • Intimate relationships have always been very volatile
  • I prefer to isolate myself from others
  • I like long distant relationship to enjoy my freedom
  • I like long distant relationship to prevent deep intimacy ties
  • I prefer to not feel
  • I get angry while driving
  • I get angry while playing sports
  • I am a angry golfer
  • I have difficulty accepting criticism
  • I get defensive in conversations
  • I am inattentive while listening
  • I am impatient while listening
  • I prefer to talk rather than listen
  • I interupt every conversation
  • I redirect conversation to my talking points
  • I like to give advice to everyone
  • I like to be right
  • I like pain so hurt myself
  • I have violent dreams often
  • I have violent day dreams or fantasies often
  • I think about “pay backs” and getting even often
  • I think about shooting someone often
  • I feel trapped by my life
  • Life sucks then you die
  • I watch hours of TV to pass the time
  • I sleep all the time
  • Conversations become debates or arguments frequently
  • I end relationships often
  • I can’t keep a job
  • I move a lot
  • I do not maintain family ties
  • I admit I am angry
  • People tell me I need anger management

 

Call Richard Taylor at 678.576.1913 for help.

COUPLE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT HELP

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

25 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Toxic

  1) Your partner puts you down verbally, in private or in front of others.
2)
Your partner tells you he/she loves you but behavior shows otherwise.
3)
Your partner doesn’t want you to see or talk to friends or family.
4)
Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids.
5)
Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly or opens your mail.
6)
Your partner calls you often to see what you are doing.
7)
You cry often or feel depressed over your relationship.
8)
Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if only you would change.
9)
Your partner wants you to be dependent on him.
10)
Your partner does things for you and then uses them to make you feel obligated.
11)
Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
12)
You don’t know who you are anymore without him/her, or how you would survive.
13)
Your friends/family don’t like your partner or don’t think he is good for you.
14)
You have changed things about yourself to suit your partner, even when it is not your taste.
15)
You always go where your partner wants to, like movies, restaurants, etc.
16)
Your partner has made you feel afraid or unsafe, and you have been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him/her (walking on eggshells).
17)
You don’t feel you have control of your life anymore.
18)
Your self-esteem is lower since you’ve been with your partner.
19)
You think it’s up to you to make the relationship work.
20)
You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn’t understand.
21)
Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid.
22)
Your partner accuses you of cheating and is overly jealous.
23)
Your partner can be really sweet to you one minute, and really mean the next.
24)
Your partner seems really sweet/loving to you when he/she thinks you are about to leave the relationship, or after he/she has been mean to you.
25)
You can’t remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight.  

Many people are in relationships that are unhealthy.

When a person is in the middle of this relationship, it is often difficult to see how detrimental the relationship is to his or her self-esteem. Others may tell you that your partner is not “good for you” or that they can’t understand “why you don’t leave.”

Your partner may be a good provider, a good father, and at times, loving and kind to you. However, there are other times when you are left feeling alone, afraid, or upset and don’t understand what is going on.

Dr. Lillian Glass, author of Toxic People, describes a toxic person as “anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused.” It may be difficult for people to admit they are in a toxic relationship, because they are intelligent, self-sufficient individuals in other aspects of their lives. Most people in toxic relationships, however, have the sense that something is just not right.

By Kathy Reed O’Gorman

If you need help with your relationship, talk to a friend or family member, a clergyman, an anger management provider.

Call Richard Taylor at 678.576.1913 at Atlanta Anger Management to set up appointment.

If you are in danger, help is available at The National Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 799-SAFE, where someone can put you in touch with battered women’s shelters and other resources. Remember, no one can take care of you as well as YOU can. Get the help you need.

More resources

http://www.newliving.com/issues/dec_2003/articles/toxic%20relationships.html http://www.gerzon.com/resources/getting_out.html

2010 © Associated Content, All rights reserved.

 

Takeaways

You don’t have to be physical abused to be in an unhealthy relationship.

Some relationships are toxic, so unhealthy they can seriously affect one’s self-esteem.

Toxic partners can be very loving and giving at times.

Call Richard Taylor owner and chief facilitator at 678.576.1913 for immediate help and start getting on the right track for better living.

Richard’s one of a kind sense of humor will help you lighten up.

Anger Management is not counseling. It is education based and actually enjoyable.

Attend individually, and/or as a couple.

Use Private Sessions or Anger Management Classes.

What Is Anger Management?

Call right now and make a change. Anger does not go away on it’s own as you know.


Call Richard Taylor at 678.576.1913

REMINDER: Focus on Positives, practice kindness, attitude of gratitude, acceptance,
move from a reactive impulse driven emotional style to a choice based slower neutral or nice response style. This is Anger Management/Emotional Intelligence development!

CONTACT:

Richard TaylorDirector Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 in Atlanta, Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

________________________________________________
References
¹ Less than half (46%) of U.S. kids younger than 18 years of age are living in a home with two married heterosexual parents in their first marriage. This is a marked change from 1960, when 73% of children fit this description, and 1980, when 61% did, according to a Pew Research Center analysis of recently-released American Community Survey (ACS) and Decennial Census data.
http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/12/22/less-than-half-of-u-s-kids-today-live-in-a-traditional-family/

Couple Talk – Importance of Kindness and Fondness,  ‘Turning Towards’ 

∇ Have you become argumentive lately?

∇ Seem to only see the negative in your partner?

∇ Seem to have bad “moods” a lot lately?

∇ Not as happy as the early days in the relationship?

∇ Wonder when things are going to change?

∇ Feel stuck in your relationship?

∇ Feel not as upbeat as usual?

∇ Tired of fighting?

∇ Ponder getting back at your partner?

∇ Think: Hurt ME, and you will hurt MORE!

Well join the club!  53 % Divorce Rate In USA

Wikipedia Divorce Rates Worldwide

Need a fast change to restore your relationship to better times? Read on…

Masters And Disasters

The Gottman Institute studies of Julie and John Gottman along with many other supporting studies¹  say lasting relationships come down to kindness, fondness, turning towards your partner and an active interest in maintaining intimate friendship over the years.

A question came up: Do unhappy marriages share something in common?

Psychologist John and Julie Gottman along with Robert Levenson for the past four decades has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work.

In 1986, John Gottman with his colleague Robert Levenson  and associates, hooked the couples up to measure the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat. The hooked up ‘wiggle-monitors’ to determine the edginess of them wiggling in chairs. They establish base rates and then followed along with a research team behind walls monitoring their vital signs. They had the couples talk about their relationship. Such things like: how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and positive memories they had. Everything was recorded including videotaping.

The data suggested two major groups: the Masters and the Disasters.

Analyzing the data they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters.

The Masters were still happily together after six years.

The Disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

The Disasters

The disasters looked calm during the interviews but their active physiology told important new data understanding relationships.

  • heart rates were quick
  • sweat glands were active
  • blood flow was fast
  • often edginess in wiggling in chairs

Following thousands of couples longitudinally, The Gottman Institute found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

Say What?

The disasters showed signs of arousal—of being in fight-or-flight mode—in their relationships. The Limbric brain is involved here. Specifically the amygdala. This also affects impulse control and the anger response. (Anger Management).

Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with lions and tigers and bears.

Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other.

An example: The couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused wife might say to her husband, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.” A put down indeed. This then distances the couple, perhaps the feeling of being disrespected and an anger response arises, even if not expressed.

The Masters

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal.

They felt:

  • calm and connected together
  • Their vital signs were more normal or returned to normal quickly if aroused
  • translated into warm and affectionate behavior even if they argued.

It’s not that the masters had a better physiological make-up than the disasters. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

Professor Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it.

In 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus looking like a bed and breakfast apartment deemed “The Love Lab”.  He invited 130 newlywed couples, each couple one at a time, to spend the day at this retreat and watched and recorded as before everything normal couples do: arrive, put up groceries, eat, chat, cook, clean, listen to music, hang out, etc.

Professor Gottman and his team, made a critical discovery in this study. It identified why some relationships thrive while others wither.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.”

One of John’s favorite examples from my training with them:

The wife who is a bird enthusiast notices a bluebird flying across the yard and finds a perch on a branch. She says quietly to her husband eating cereal while watching TV, “Look …a bluejay outside!” He is apparently absorbed and says nothing to her.

Question: What does the wife feel from this interaction?

Happy?
Sad?
Mad?
Invisible?
Not heard?
Disrespected?
Disconnected?

Joyful?

No… she might feel: Invisible, Not heard, Disrespected, Disconnected

The wife is not just commenting on the bluebird, she is requesting a response from her husband, a sign of interest or support, hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The husband missed his chance with no response. He is effect “turned away.” Silence, no response.

REWIND: How would he “turn towards”?

Professor Gottman suggests the husband grunt, “Huh?” or better “Wow, a sign spring is here.”  I suggest: Put down the cereal and come over and look beside your wife holding her, perhaps better, a hug from behind, a bit of playfulness and a kiss on the cheek.

CHOOSE:  Respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” .

Though the bird-bid might seem minor, it actually reveals a lot about the health of their relationship.

People (Masters) who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t, (Disasters) those who turned away, would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy.

The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

By observing these types of interactions, Professor Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not, will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship.

Couples who practice kindness and generosity stay together. (Masters)

Couples who practice contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and hostility mostly breakup or are unhappy. (Disasters)

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in our training. Masters are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. I call it the 3 A’s. Appreciate, Acknowledge, Acceptance.

Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

  1. criticism
  2. defensiveness
  3. contempt
  4. stonewalling

Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart.

1. Couples who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 % of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder (avoidance or putting up walls) choosing to  ignore their partner or responding minimally, damage their relationship by making their partner feel invisible, alone, as if they’re not there, and/or not valued.

Being mean is the death of relationships.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is  the death of relationships.

Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together.

Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, validated and feel loved, connected. The more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.

Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. Exercise it to keep it in shape. A good relationship requires consistent mindfulness and hard work.

When your partner expresses a need (bid) even if you are emotionally not available or tired, or stressed, you still turn toward your partner.

Do not ignore the small moments of emotional connection or they will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.

Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on your relationship. This is the time to remember kindness and learn to disengage before things get ugly. Successful couples know and practice this.

ACTION:

1. Make a list of 5 Acts Of Kindness You Will Do Today, each day.

2. 3 A’s. Appreciate, Acknowledge, Acceptance. How? Practice.

See Blog on Practice Not Quarreling.

 

The Sound Relationship House (C) Gottman Institute Used With Permission. Do Not Reproduce.

The Sound Relationship House (C) Gottman Institute Used With Permission. Do Not Reproduce.

 

 

 

Need Relationship Help?

Have Couples Conflict?

CONTACT: 

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Michele Weiner-Davis Divorce Busting Level I ​
Gottman Seven Principles Program Educator
Gottman Method Couple Therapy Level 1 Certificate of Completion
Certified ​MHS ​Bar-On Emotional Intelligence​ EQ-i 2.0 ​Provider
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

 

Turning Towards Your Partner – Worksheet USE IT!

Turning Towards Your Partner* – Worksheet      USE IT!

1. A kiss before he/she dashes out the door. Your partner may be in a frenetic rush to work, but one never knows when you may never see your partner again. Embrace the moment and express your love ALWAYS, even if you had a argument.  A kiss, a hug…say “I love You! Have a good day/trip/have fun,” something!

2. Refusing to let your clothes wrinkle in the dryer. When you don’t hear its ending cycle buzz, know your partner answers the call, and chooses to be proactive folding the clothes before those iron-resistant creases can set in.

3. Pulling the blanket over a bare shoulder. You’ve crashed on the couch, uncovered—but your partner comes to the rescue with a blanket so that you won’t awake shivering in the cold.

4. You could use your partner’s first name, but instead use a nickname or pet name instead.

5. Displays Of Affection. Check! Whether you’re strolling side by side on a sidewalk, walking through a crowded venue, or hunkered down on the couch, choose to hold hands, touch, displays of affection.

6. Texting midday just to say hello.  Send a simple check-in message, read the subtext of the text: It’s always “I was thinking of you.” Leave a Post It Note®  “I love you!”  ” I want you!”

7. Whip out a candle at dinnertime. Even leftovers devoured on the sofa are made romantic when your partner adds a little candlelight action to the coffee table. Display one flower. Nice.

8. Keeping notes. You may not have the memory of an elephant, but because you want to remember things, write it down. Take a picture. Make a voice note on your phone.

9. Celebrating the small stuff. Life is made of Moments, make each day a day to be grateful for the gift of life, for the small “wins”, the little something that stands out noticed. Share that!

10. “Remember that one time?” Remember the good times, the funny times, the times when everything was great! Show your romantic side by regularly reminiscing about these times.

11. Create joy by adopting a positive more fun attitude. Work on adding humor and laughter in your lives. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” Buy a joke book and read to each other. Find funny people to become friends with. Ditch negative folks….or minimize your exposure to them. Choose to be UP, not down. Choose to try to be kind to your partner.

What are you going to do?

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* Gottman Method – Sound Relationship House

Turning towards your partner builds up “Your Bank Account Of LOVE”. Positivity. Couples who have life long relationships build up, not tear down. Turning towards Today.

 

The saying goes…”Random Acts Of Kindness.”

https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/inspirational-kindness-quotes

 

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Richard Taylor

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