HOW TO BE KIND

How to Be Kind

Three Parts:Developing a Kinder Perspective Developing Kind Qualities Taking Action Community  Q&A

Being kind is a vital way of bringing meaning to our own lives as well as the lives of others. Being kind allows us to communicate better, be more compassionate, and also to be a positive force in people’s lives. Kindness has its true source deep within you, and while some people are innately kind, it’s something that everyone can cultivate by choice.

Part 1

Developing a Kinder Perspective

  1. Care for others genuinely. At its most basic, kindness is about caring genuinely for others around you, wanting the best for them, and recognizing in them the same wants, needs, aspirations, and even fears that you have too. Kindness is warm, resilient, patient, trusting, loyal, and grateful.[1] Piero Ferrucci sees kindness as being about “making less effort” because it frees us from getting knotted up in negative attitudes and feelings such as resentment, jealousy, suspicion, and manipulation.[2] Ultimately, kindness is deep caring for all beings.
    • Practice kindness and generosity toward others. Being out of practice, being shy, or not knowing how to reach out to others can only be overcome in the doing, by continually trying until it becomes a natural impulse to be kind and giving to others.
    • Ask for nothing in return. The greatest kindness expects nothing, comes with no strings attached, and places no conditions on anything done or said.

 

  1. Don’t be kind for the sake of getting what you want. Beware of deluded kindness. Kindness is not about “self-interested politeness, calculated generosity, superficial etiquette”.[3] Simply being nice to other people because you believe that this will manipulate them into giving you what you want in life, or as a means of controlling them, is not kindness. Nor is kindness about pretending to care for someone all the while repressing anger or contempt; hiding our rage or frustration behind false pleasantries is not kindness.
    • Finally, being a people pleaser is not kindness; that’s simply behavior designed to give in and not rock the boat because you’re afraid that taking a step forward will sink the ship.

 

  1. Be kind to yourself. Many people make the error of trying to be kind to others while at the same time not focusing on being kind to themselves. Some of this can stem from not liking aspects of yourself, but more often than not, it’s sourced in the inability to know yourself better. And unfortunately, when you don’t feel rock solid within yourself, your kindness to others risks falling into the deluded types of kindness described in the previous step. Or, it can lead to burn-out and disillusionment because you’ve put everyone else first.
    • Self-knowledge allows you to see what causes you pain and conflict, and enables you to embrace your contradictions and inconsistencies. It allows the space to work on things about yourself that you’re not happy with. In turn, self-knowledge helps to prevent you from projecting your negative aspects onto other people, thereby empowering you to treat other people with love and kindness.[4].
    • Take time to become more self-aware and use this learning to be kinder to both yourself (remembering that we all have weaknesses) and to others. In this way, your inner angst is being dealt with rather than fueling your need to project the hurt and pain.
    • Avoid viewing time taken to become more aware of your own needs and limits as an act of selfishness; far from it, it is a vital pre-condition to being able to reach out to other people with great strength and awareness.
    • Ask yourself what you think it means to be kinder to yourself. For many people, being kinder to themselves includes monitoring the chatter in your thoughts and stopping your negative thinking.

 

  1. Learn kindness from others. Think about the truly kind people in your life and how they make you feel. Do you carry their warm glow around in your heart every time you think of them? It is likely that you do because kindness lingers, warming you even when the hardest challenges face you. When other people find a way to love you for who you are, it’s impossible to forget such trust and confirmation of worthiness, and their kindness lives on forever.
    • Remember how other people’s kindness “makes your day”. What is it about their kindness that makes you feel special and cherished? Are there things that they do that you can replicate from your own heart?

 

  1. Cultivate kindness for the good of your own health. Improved psychological health and happiness comes from thinking more positively, and kindness is a positive mental state. While kindness is about giving and being open to others, giving kindness returns a sense of well-being and connection to us that improves our own mental state and health.
    • Although simple, the very ability to be kind is in itself a powerful and consistent reward, a self-esteem booster.[5]

 

  1. Make a habit of focusing on kindness. Leo Babauta says that kindness is a habit and is one that everyone can cultivate. He suggests focusing on kindness every day for a month. At the end of this directed focus, you’ll be aware of profound changes in your life, you’ll feel better about yourself as a person, and you’ll find that people react to you differently, including treating you better. As he says, in the long run, being kind is karma in practice.[6] Suggestions to help cultivate your kindness include:
    • Do one kind thing for someone every day. Make a conscious decision at the beginning of the day what that kind act will be and make time to do it during the day.
    • Be kind, friendly, and compassionate when you interact with someone, and even more so where that person normally makes you angry, stressed, or bothered. Use kindness as your strength.
    • Build up your small acts of kindness into larger acts of compassion. Volunteering for those in need and taking the initiative to relieve suffering are bigger acts of compassion.[7]
    • Meditate to help spread kindness. Read Practice Loving Kindness Meditation (Metta) for more details.

 

  1. Be kind to everyone, not just people “in need”. Expand your circle of kindness. It can be very easy to be kind when we’re unconsciously doing what Stephanie Dowrick terms “patronizing kindness”.[8] This refers to kindness given to those people we feel are truly in need (the sick, the poor, the vulnerable, and those who align with our own ideals). Being kind to people close to us, emotionally (like family or friends) or in other ways (from the same country, of the same color, gender etc.), is also easier than being kind to those the philosopher Hegel called “the other”. It can be more difficult to be kind to people we may consider our equals, but it will be worth it.
    • The trouble with restricting our kindness to “convenient” cases is that we fail to recognize that we need to be kind to everyone, no matter who they are, their level of wealth or fortune, their values and beliefs, their behavior and attitudes, their place of origin, their likeness to ourselves, etc.
    • By choosing to be kind only to those we feel are deserving of kindness, we are unleashing our own biases and judgment, and only practicing conditional kindness. Natural kindness encompasses all beings and while the challenges you’ll face when trying to put this broader notion of kindness into practice will sometimes be trying, you’ll never stop learning about the depths of your ability to be truly kind.
    • If you’re neglecting being kind to someone else just because you think they can cope without your support or understanding, then you’re practicing selective kindness.

 

  1. Minimize judgment. If you really want to be kind, then you have to kick your judgment to the curb. Instead of spending your time being critical of other people, work on being positive and compassionate. If you tend to think poorly of others, wish other people could step up their game, or feel like the people around you are needy or clueless, then you’ll never learn true kindness. Stop judging people and realize that you’ll never fully understand where they’re coming from unless you walk a day in their shoes. Focus on wanting to help others instead of judging them for not being better than they are.
    • If you’re judgmental, prone to gossip, or just always bad-mouthing the people around you, you’ll never be able to move past your reservations to be kind.
    • Being kind means giving people the benefit of the doubt instead of expecting perfection.

Be Kind

Part 2

Developing Kind Qualities

  1. Be compassionate toward others. It’s important to take in the message, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”. Attributed to Plato, this saying is a recognition that everyone is undergoing some challenge or other in their lives and that sometimes, it’s all too easy for us to lose sight of that when embroiled in our own problems or anger against them. Before committing an action that might impact another person negatively, ask yourself a simple question: “Is this kind?”. If you cannot answer this in the affirmative, this is a reminder to change your action and approach immediately.
    • Even where you’re feeling at your very worst, remember that other people are also feeling uncertainty, pain, hardship, sadness, disappointment, and loss. In no way does this belittle your own feelings but it does allow you to realize that people often react from their hurt and pain rather than from their whole self, and kindness is the key to seeing past the raging emotions and connecting with the real person inside.

 

  1. Don’t expect perfection. If you have a tendency toward perfectionism, competitiveness, or a driven sense of urgency, self-kindness can often be a victim of your ambition and fast pace, as well as your fear of being seen to be lazy or selfish.[9] Remember to slow down and to forgive yourself when things don’t work out as wished.
    • Learn from your mistakes rather than beating yourself up over them, or comparing yourself to others.[10] It is through self-compassionate responses that you can start to see other people’s needs in a compassionate light.
  2. Be present. The greatest gift of kindness to another person is to be in the moment in their presence, to be listening with care, and to be genuinely attentive to them. Schedule your day differently, and stop being known as the person who always rushes off. Being present means being available; you can only do this if you’re not rushing or squeezing in people and activities.
    • Ease off the technical means of communicating with others. Impersonal and hurried technical communications like text and email have their place in life, but not as your only means of communicating. Take time to connect with people face-to-face, or via an uninterrupted phone call. Send a letter instead of an email and surprise someone with the kindness of your having taken time out of your day to put pen to paper.

 

  1. Be a good listener. The act of listening is easier said than done in our fast-paced world, where rushing and being busy are seen as virtues; where cutting someone off because you’re too busy, or you need to get somewhere in a hurry, is the norm. Making being busy into a habit is no excuse for unkindness, however. When talking to someone, learn to listen with your whole being and sincerely pay attention to them until they’re done revealing their thoughts and story.
    • Truly listening to someone, making eye contact, avoiding all distractions, and giving a person the time of day is one of the greatest acts of kindness. Take the time to truly absorb what the person is saying before responding with a pre-made answer or interrupting. Show the person that you appreciate the unique situation he’s in and that you’re there to lend an ear.
    • Being a good listener doesn’t mean being a great problem solver. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be there to listen, while acknowledging that you don’t know what the person should do.

 

  1. Be optimistic. Happiness, joy, and gratitude rest at the heart of kindness, allowing you to see the good in others and the world, enabling you to press through the challenges, despair, and cruelty you witness and experience, continuously restoring your sense of faith in humanity. Maintaining an optimistic attitude ensures that acts of kindness are committed with genuine joy and cheerfulness rather than with reluctance or out of a sense of duty or service. And keeping your sense of humor ensures that you don’t take yourself too seriously and take life’s contradictory and contrary moments with good faith.
    • It’s not always easy to be optimistic, especially when you’ve had a crummy day. But with enough practice, anyone can cultivate optimism by focusing on the positive instead of the negative, thinking ahead to happy things in the future, and living a life that is filled with more joy than sadness. And it doesn’t cost a dollar to look on the brighter side of things, either.
    • Being optimistic and staying positive will not only put you in more of a mindset to be kind, but it will also bring joy to those around you. If you spend much of your time complaining, then it will be more difficult to bring happiness to the people in your orbit.
    • Read How to be happy, How to be funny, and How to be thankful for more information on how to cultivate optimism.

 

  1. Be friendly. People who are kind tend to also be friendly. This doesn’t mean they are the most outgoing people in the room, but that they make an effort to get to know new people and to make them feel at home. If there’s someone new at your school or workplace, you can try to talk to that person, explain how things work, and even invite him or her to social events. Even if you’re not outgoing, just smiling and making small talk with people can go a long way in making you friendlier, and this kindness will not go unnoticed.
    • Friendly people are kind because they expect the best from people. They talk to new people and friends alike in an easygoing, reassuring way that makes them feel at home.
    • If you’re naturally shy, you don’t have to change your personality completely. Just make a bit more of an effort to be nice to people by giving them your attention, asking them how they are, and showing an interest in them.

 

  1. Be polite. Although being polite is not an indication of kindness in itself, genuine politeness demonstrates your respect for those you’re interacting with. Being polite is the kind way of getting people’s attention and putting your point across. Some simple ways to do this include:
    • Find ways to rephrase your requests or responses to others. For example, say “May I?” instead of “Can I?”; say “I’m surprised” instead of “That’s not fair”; say “Let me explain that another way” instead of saying “That’s not what I said”. Rephrasing your language speaks volumes.
    • Have excellent manners. Hold doors open for people, avoid being overly vulgar in person, and don’t be overly familiar with new people.
    • Make compliments and mean them.
    • Read How to practice courtesy and kindness for more ideas.

 

  1. Be grateful. People who are truly kind are easily able to express gratitude. They don’t take anything for granted and always thank people for helping them out. They know how to say “thank you” and really mean it, they write thank-you cards, and they are comfortable with acknowledging when they have been helped. People who are grateful also thank people just because, for things like making their days brighter, instead of only thanking them for completing specific tasks. If you make a habit of being more grateful to the people around you, you’ll see that your capacity for kinds will increase.
    • If you’re more observant of all the nice things other people do for you, then you’ll be more ready to do nice things for others. You’ll be more aware of how good the kindness of others makes you feel and will feel more inclined to spread the love.

Be Kind

Part 3

Taking Action

  1. Love animals and the living world. Loving animals and caring for pets is kindness in action. Nothing compels you to care about beings of another species, especially in a day and age where the tools of human domination are so powerful. And yet, the very act of loving an animal and respecting the animal for its own value is an expression of deep kindness. As well, being kind to the world that sustains and nurtures us is sensible as well as kind, ensuring that we don’t poison the very elements that assure us a healthy life.
    • Adopt or foster a pet. Your kindness will be rewarded by letting another being into your life who will bring you joy and love.
    • Offer to pet-sit for a friend who is going away. Give your friend the reassurance that someone loving and caring will be tending to her pet while she’s away.
    • Respect the species you’re caring for. Humans don’t “own” animals; rather, we stand in a relationship of being responsible for their well-being and care.
    • Take time to restore parts of your local environment with the local community. Go for walks in nature with family, friends, alone, and commune with the world that you’re a part of. Share your love for nature with others, to help reawaken their sense of connection with nature.

 

  1. Share. People who are kind are happy to share with others. You can share your favorite sweater, half of your delicious enchilada, or even words of career advice to someone younger than you. The important thing is that you’re sharing something that you actually care about, instead of giving away something you don’t really need. It’s much more meaningful to let your friend borrow your favorite sweater than to give her an old hand-me-down you never wear. Sharing with people will make you more generous and thus, more inclined towards kindness.
    • Keep an eye out for people who would really benefit from some of the things you have. They may not always ask for them, but you can offer them readily before they admit that they need something from you.

 

  1. Smile more. Smiling is a simple act of kindness that can go a long way. Make a habit of smiling at strangers, or at your friends or acquaintances. Though you don’t have to walk around with a smile plastered on your face, smiling at people will make them smile back, and will bring even a modicum of joy to their days. What’s more, smiling can actually trick your mind into feeling happier than it previously was. Everybody wins when you smile, and your capacity for kindness will grow in the process.
    • Smiling at people will also make them more comfortable and will make you look more approachable, which is another way of being kind. Being welcoming to others, and even giving strangers the benefit of the doubt by smiling at them, is another way of being kind.

 

  1. Take an interest in people. People who are truly kind are genuinely interested in other people. They aren’t kind to them just because they want to get what they want or because they are fishing for a favor. They do it because they genuinely care about how people are doing and want those around them to be happy and healthy. To be more kind, work on developing an interest in other people and show them that you care by being attentive, asking questions, and paying attention to them. Here are some ways to take an interest in people:
    • Ask people how they are and mean it.
    • Ask people about their hobbies, interests, and families.
    • If someone you cared about had a big life event, ask that person how it went.
    • If someone you know has a big exam or interview coming up, wish him or her luck.
    • When you talk to people, make sure they are doing at least about half of the talking. Don’t dominate a conversation and focus more on the other person than yourself.
    • Make eye contact and put away your cell phone when you talk to people. Show that they are your first priority.

 

  1. Call up a friend just because. You don’t always need a reason to call up a good friend. Make a goal of calling one friend per week, or even two friends per week, just to catch up and see how that person is doing. Don’t call to make plans or to ask that person something specific; call just because you miss your friend and have been thinking about him or her. Getting in touch with your friends out of the blue will make them feel cared for and will make you feel good; this shows kindness and thoughtfulness.
    • If you’re really short on time, you can start by making a habit of calling up your friends on their birthdays. Don’t be lazy and send a text message or even a Facebook post, but give your friend a phone call from the heart.

 

  1. Donate your things. Another way to be kind is to donate some of your belongings to charity. Instead of throwing out your old things or selling them for 50 cents at a garage sale, donate the things you don’t need to a good cause. If you have clothes, books, or other household items that are in good condition, then making a habit of donating these things to charity instead of storing them up or tossing them is a great way to spread your kindness to others.
    • If you have some clothes or books that someone you know would want, then don’t be shy about donating those items to that person. This is another way of being kind.

 

  1. Do a random act of kindness. “Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.” These are the words once said by Princess Diana. The practice of random acts of kindness is alive and well as a conscious effort to spread more kindness; there are even groups that have established themselves to perform this essential civic duty! Here are some great random acts of kindness you can do:
    • Shovel a neighbor’s driveway as well as your own.
    • Wash a friend’s car.
    • Put money into an expired meter.
    • Help someone carry a heavy bag.
    • Leave a gift on someone’s doorstep.
    • For more details on practicing random acts of kindness, read How to practice random acts of kindness.

 

  1. Transform your life through kindness. Changing how you live and how you view the world might seem daunting. But take a note of Aldous Huxley’s prescription for transforming your life: “People often ask me what is the most effective technique for transforming their life. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say that the best answer is–just be a little kinder.”[11] Take Huxley’s many years of research to heart and allow kindness to transform your life, to transcend all feelings and actions of aggression, hate, despising, anger, fear, and self-deprecation, and to restore strength worn away by despair.
    • Through being kind, you take a stand by affirming that caring for others, for our environment, for yourself is the right way to live life.[12] It isn’t about immediate effectiveness; kindness is a lifestyle choice, a constant hum and rhythm accompanying every single thing that you think and do.
    • Through being kind, you let go of the burden of worrying that others have more than you, are less or more deserving than you, or are in a position of superiority or inferiority to you. Instead, kindness assumes everyone is worthy, you included.
    • Through being kind, you recognize that we are all in this together. When you harm another person, you also harm yourself. What you do to support others also supports you.

Community Q&A

  • How do I be kind when I am upset, sad, or grumpy?

Recognize your emotional state and find ways to calm yourself: deep breaths, taking some alone time, et cetera. Focus entirely on the other person. If you’re too upset to handle it, say “I’m upset and I can’t be a good listener right now.” Give yourself patience and time, and don’t push things before you’re ready.

 

  • How can I be kind to others when I feel empty or don’t care about others?

If you feel this way, you need to start by being kind to yourself first. You’re projecting what you feel deep inside about yourself — empty and without self care. Spend some time caring for your own self and needs first, perhaps getting counseling for unresolved issues that are holding you back from being your best self. When you learn to love yourself and take good care of you, then you’ll find it much easier to be kind to others.

 

  • How do you be nice to people when they are always attacking you, physically or emotionally?

Rise above and do your best to remove those people from your life. Dealing with not nice people isn’t always fun or fair, but you will thank yourself for staying true to your kind self.

  • How do I remain calm when I feel like someone’s using me?

If you feel like someone is using you, tell them your feelings directly. If they are your friend, they will not be mad at you for sharing your opinion. If you’re having trouble staying calm around this person, you may want to take a break from spending time with them.

 

  • Do I have to be kind even when some people never appreciate my kindness?

Being kind for the sake of being kind doesn’t require appreciation in return. If you place a condition on kindness, then it’s not really being kind. There are many reasons why people aren’t instantly or obviously appreciative, including astonishment, exhaustion, slowness to respond, obtuseness, quiet appreciation, etc. Some people are rude but that just means more kindness is needed. It may also help you to understand that it’s more about your karma, not theirs, without being a doormat, of course.

  • Am I ever too old to make this change?

No, you’re never too old. Everyone of every age can benefit from being kinder. If you’ve been mean your whole life, it might take people some time to adjust to your change of heart, but it’s worth it!

  • Why do we need to learn kindness from others?

It’s not so much about learning kindness as about unlearning all the defensiveness that socializing teaches us. We feel safer being defensive and self/family protective, and this is part of our ancient ancestral understandings that enhance survival. Kindness often forces us to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, to understand where they’re coming from even if we don’t usually think like them. It also requires a spirit of generosity and care for strangers, which can sometimes be difficult when we worry about our own/own family’s needs. Yet, kindness begets kindness, so it is often through seeing others’ kindness that we learn it has beneficial, supportive and caring outcomes that each of us aspires to in the greater scheme of life.

Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Kind

 

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Keep the Conflict Small!

Keep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)

By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.

© 2015 by Bill Eddy

Whether you’re having an argument with a family member, friend or co-worker, it’s easy nowadays to make little conflicts way too big. All around us are repeated images of people arguing and losing control of their emotions – in emails, on the Internet, in movies and on TV – especially in the news (do you know what so-and-so said about you-know-who?) Not only is this unnecessary, but allowing conflicts to get large can be harmful to important relationships, increase the anxiety of those around us (especially children) and lower one’s status in other people’s eyes.

For example, in a recent article in Parade Magazine about the steps to becoming a successful entrepreneur, the author-expert Linda Rottenberg wrote: “The most important step is to manage your emotions.” (“An Entrepreneur Should Never Be a Daredevil,” November 2, 2014) In a recently-reported study about children’s brain development, child psychiatrist and researcher Jeffrey Rowe said the first five years of life are critically important to forming proper brain connections. “If you can’t control yourself, can’t control your emotions, you can’t pay attention to the outside world.” (B.J. Fikes, “Money, brain size linked,” U-T San Diego, March 31, 2015)

This article has some suggestions for keeping conflicts small by managing our emotions. Managed emotions are a big part of our skills-training methods, New Ways for Families and New Ways for Work, and may be more important in today’s world than ever before.
Try to Avoid This

A Family Feud: An argument in a couple: “You always leave your socks on the floor.” (That’s a little conflict.) “You’re such a slob.” (Now it’s a judgment about the whole person.) “You men, you’re all alike – irresponsible and self-centered!” (Now it’s about a whole gender.) If another family member came into this argument at this point, he or she would probably take gender sides and the conflict could easily get much bigger.

A Workplace Conflict: Some people clean up after themselves in the lunchroom and others don’t. Joe is a cleaner-upper. ”Look at this banana peel and sandwich bag, just left behind.” (A problem to solve.) “Why do I always have to clean up for everyone else!” (Now it’s about being a victim of everyone.) “Maybe I should go someplace to work where I’m appreciated!” (Now it’s about quitting – ending the relationship.)

A Divorce Dispute: Parents have to discuss a change of schedule: “I’ve got an opportunity for this coming Wednesday night – can we switch so I see the kids Tuesday or Thursday?” (A common problem to solve.) “I’ve told you a hundred times, I’m sticking to our Agreement, with no exceptions. 100%. The kids need absolute stability.” (Now we’re slipping into all-or-nothing thinking. Doubtful that it’s been a hundred times. However, rare cases do require no changes, because of extreme manipulation or violence in the past.) “In fact, I’m going to take you back to court to reduce your time with the kids, you f—ing jerk! You’re the worst father/mother in the world.” (Oops. Guess the children’s stability isn’t the issue after all.)
Try This Instead

In all of the above examples, the speaker quickly went from a simple problem to solve into all-or-nothing thinking and intense emotions. We refer to these emotions as unmanaged emotions, because they don’t get the person what the person really wants: respect, peace and quiet, a happy relationship, or whatever they were looking for. Now they have a bigger problem to solve and probably feel helpless or victimized, and distracted. Remember what the brain researcher said above: You can’t pay attention to the outside world when you’re busy reacting. So how can you manage your emotions in situations like this?

1. Regularly remind yourself to keep the conflict small. Ask yourself:

“Is this really a big deal?”

“Can this problem be solved by making a proposal?”

“What is the smallest issue here? Let’s start by solving that.”

“What are my choices here? I always have choices.”

2. Regularly give yourself encouraging statements. This will help you feel less defensive and less likely to over-react to other people’s behavior or emotions:

“It’s not about me!”

“I’m doing fine! I don’t have to prove anything here.”

“I can take a break!”

“I can handle this. No reason to lose control.”
Emotions Are Contagious

This all might seem very easy to do while you’re reading this. But actually it’s harder to do when other people aren’t managing their emotions, because emotions are contagious. There seems to be at least two reasons for this impact on our brains.

Amygdala responses: We have two amygdalae in our brains; one in the middle of each hemisphere. The right amygdala quickly reacts to other people’s facial expressions of fear and anger, and instantly starts a fight, flight or freeze response. Apparently the left amygdala responds more to threats in writing. You can see the protective response happening when someone else over-reacts – it’s usually sudden and extreme, and sometimes shocking in an office or in a meeting. But our prefrontal cortex (right behind your forehead) can over-ride the amygdala and say: Relax, it’s not a crisis. And the amygdala quiets down. This comes with practice – lots of practice telling yourself what’s not a crisis. This is a lot of what adolescence is about: figuring out what are real dangers that need fast all-or-nothing action and what are just problems to solve rationally.

Mirror neurons: Apparently we have neurons in our brains that fire when we do something AND when we just watch someone else doing something. Is seems that it’s a short-cut to learning – our brains are constantly getting us ready to do what others are doing. It may be a part of our group survival skills that we’re born with. Better to quickly run or fight or hide when others are doing so, rather than risk getting isolated and not surviving. But these responses can also be over-ridden – once you know about this. (So now you know about this.) But it also takes practice.

With this knowledge, you can be more specific with yourself when reminding yourself to keep the conflict small:

“I don’t have to mirror other people’s emotions.”

“I’m just having an amygdala response. But it’s not a crisis, so I can relax.”

“I have a choice: to react or focus on problem-solving. This is just a problem to solve.”
Get Support and Consultation

Another way to keep the conflict small is to talk to other people and get encouragement for yourself. This way you’ll feel less defensive and less anxious. Also, get their consultation suggestions for how to deal with a conflict and help keep it small. Ask: “Do you think this is a crisis? What do you see as my choices? What do you suggest?” Just talking to someone else can make a big difference.

You also may be facing a new problem you’ve never faced before. Don’t feel like you have to deal with it alone and don’t feel ashamed of yourself for being in your situation. Today, the types of problems most of us face have come up for thousands or millions of other people. Family issues, workplace conflicts, divorce disputes are extremely common. Yet it’s easy to see these problems as huge and overwhelming, and become isolated and feel helpless. Remind yourself: “It’s just a problem to solve. I can get consultation and suggestions from someone else. I don’t have to deal with this alone.”

Tune Out Extreme Media

Much of today’s media repeatedly shows dramatic images of people losing control over ordinary problems: from sitcoms to movies to the evening news. They compete to grab your attention with more and more extreme behavior, to get viewers and “market share” in the highly competitive world of modern media. But remember mirror neurons. We are absorbing this extreme loss-of-control behavior we observe, even when we aren’t thinking about it. Use your prefrontal cortex and remind yourself: These aren’t crises; they’re entertainment designed to grab my amygdala and mirror neurons. I can tune this out. It’s up to me what I think and feel.

Conclusion

Modern life has made us more aware of problems around the world, and exposes us constantly to other people’s over-reactions to problems. However, we can keep the conflict small, by what we tell ourselves and by understanding that we have control over our emotions to a great extent – especially if we practice encouraging statements and getting support. We’re not alone with these problems – at home or at work. We can handle them and get help when we need it. We can “Keep the conflict small!”

Bill Eddy is a mediator, lawyer, therapist and the President of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego. High Conflict Institute provides consultation for high-conflict situations, coaching for BIFF Responses (written responses that are Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm), and training for professionals in managing high conflict disputes in legal, workplace, healthcare and educational settings. He is also co-author with L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW, of the Axiom Award-Winning new book: It’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People. For books, videos for anyone, free articles or to schedule a training: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
________________________________________
CONTACT

Emotional Intelligence

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

ANGER ASSESSMENT EVALUATIONS

 

Conflict Management

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: http://www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

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#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider

The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

We are only half awake. GRIT

We are only half awake. GRIT

White Paper Article below excerpts to allow you to investigate and learn more
about the Personality Trait of GRIT.

Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. Our fires are damped, our drafts are checked. We are making use of only a small part of our possible mental resources. . . men the world over possess amounts of resource, which only exceptional individuals push to their extremes of use.
(William James, 1907, pp. 322–323)

We define grit as perseverance and passion for long-term goals.
Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining
effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity, and plateaus
in progress. The gritty individual approaches achievement as
a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina. Whereas disappointment
or boredom signals to others that it is time to change
trajectory and cut losses, the gritty individual stays the course.

Take Angela Duckworth’s
THE GRIT SCALE INVENTORY

What did you score?

In a qualitative study of the development of world-class pianists,

neurologists, swimmers, chess players, mathematicians, and sculp-

tors, Bloom (1985) noted that “only a few of [the 120 talented

individuals in the sample] were regarded as prodigies by teachers,

parents, or experts” (p. 533). Rather, accomplished individuals

worked day after day, for at least 10 or 15 years, to reach the top

of their fields. Bloom observed that in every studied field, the

general qualities possessed by high achievers included a strong

interest in the particular field, a desire to reach “a high level of

attainment” in that field, and a “willingness to put in great amounts

of time and effort” (p. 544). Similarly, in her study of prodigies

who later made significant contributions to their field, Winner

(1996) concluded, “Creators must be able to persist in the face of

difficulty and overcome the many obstacles in the way of creative

discovery

….

Drive and energy in childhood are more predictive

of success, if not creativity, than is IQ or some other more

domain-specific ability” (p. 293).

The qualitative insights of Winner (1996), Bloom (1985), and

Galton (1892), coupled with evidence gathered by the current

investigation and its forerunners, suggest that, in every field, grit

may be as essential as talent to high accomplishment. If

substantiated, this conclusion has several practical implications:

First, children who demonstrate exceptional commitment to a particular

goal should be supported with as many resources as those identi-

fied as “gifted and talented.” Second, as educators and parents, we

should encourage children to work not only with intensity but also

with stamina. In particular, we should prepare youth to anticipate

failures and misfortunes and point out that excellence in any

discipline requires years and years of time on task. Finally, liberal

arts universities that encourage undergraduates to sample broadly

should recognize the ineluctable trade-off between breadth and

depth. To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin, the goal of an education

is not just to learn a little about a lot but also a lot about a little.

PDF: Grit-JPSP

Angela Duckworth

AngelaDuckworth
Angela Duckworth is Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and the Founder and Scientific Director of the Character Lab, a nonprofit whose mission is to advance the science and practice of character development. In 2013, Angela was named a MacArthur Fellow in recognition of her research on grit, self-control, and other non-IQ competencies that predict success in life.

GRITbook-cover

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance is her first book.

Take Angela Duckworth’s
THE GRIT SCALE INVENTORY

What did you score?

Homicides in the US

 

 

 

CONTACT:

Richard Taylor

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
ATLANTA ANGER MANAGEMENT
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200
Atlanta, GA 30342 USA
Phone: 678-576-1913
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Anger Management Classes
Anger Management Private Sessions
Anger Management Assessment Evaluations
Couples Conflict Sessions

Doctor Suspended After Video Shows Her Allegedly Attacking Uber Driver

Video Shows Miami Doctor Allegedly Attacking Uber Driver

 

Published on Jan 22, 2016

A Florida doctor was allegedly caught on camera physically and verbally attacking an Uber driver in Miami. Dr. Anjali Ramkissoon apparently jumped into the Uber car ahead of another passenger. In the video, Ramkissoon can be seen trying to hit the driver and apparently knees him in the groin. He pushes her and she falls to the ground. She gets right up and climbs in the car, screaming at the driver to get back in. Ramkissoon, who specializes in headaches, has been put on administrative leave.

Get Anger help before YOUR meltdown.

CONTACT:

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Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Richard Taylor

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider

The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

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Emotions Series – Anger | Most Epic Angry Dark Music Mix

Emotions Series – Anger | Most Epic Angry Dark Music Mix

<<–>> ThePrimeCronus <<–>>

EPIC ANGRY MUSIC MIX WITH ILLUSTRATIONS. Aweseome! Play and surf!
Entire mix is just awesome! Check out <<–>> ThePrimeCronus <<–>> see below…

Richard Taylor’ Owner/Director of Atlanta Anger Management offers you an Unique Approach to helping you with anger issues, rage, couples conflict, melt downs, doing and saying stupid things.

Private Sessions best if you want fast action turn-around in your life. Solo or Couple.

Get help before you self-destruct. Discrete, no signs. Confidential.

Let’s hit it hard!

Call 678-576-1913 for a free chat about what is going on.

Like it,

then let’s get started for a better you.

#atlangerman1

Spending money on helping yourself become less reactive, explosive, judgmental, less jealous is a small investment. Think of the money you blow in your entire life…?
Years ahead a calmer more rational you…can you see that? Look…imagine…see it…

It Is Possible! #itispossible #lessangry #atlangerman #remaincalm

Atlanta Anger Management

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seize the power within you!

Call Richard 678-576-1913 now…
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Do it. Call 678-576-1913

Law of Vibration – Bob Proctor

Law of Vibration – Bob Proctor

” We literally live in an ocean of motion.” – Bob Proctor

Understanding the #LawOfVibration is essential for a fulfilled life. Watch and change the way you are, how you see things, your control of your emotions. It affects your Health, Relationships, Wealth, even Selling of your idea, product or service. Learn to be in harmony with the Universal vibrations of the cosmos and world and fulfill your purpose. #atlangerman


Vibration-Levels-Of-Emotions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Richard TaylorRichard Taylor #atlangerman  @atlangerman
Owner/Director of Atlanta Anger Management is passionate about helping people be intelligent with their emotions!

To get to that place that Mr. Proctor speaks about in this video. The “space” between situation and response. We do have a choice in how we react to situations, people, events. Even our own thoughts and feelings.

Anger Classes and Private Sessions are offered.
In most cases we can help you quickly shift to that better place for more positive interactions and consequences.

Call Richard at 678-576-1913 or e-mail to get started
bringing in 2016 with a #BANG! And #CALMER

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

EXTREME ROAD RAGE CBS46 REPORT

Road Rage: Misunderstandings turn dangerous with weapons involved

Posted: Nov 04, 2015 2:18 PM EST Updated: Nov 04, 2015 6:06 PM EST

ATLANTA (CBS46) –

With drivers in Atlanta ranked as some of the most discourteous on the road, commutes can turn into disputes.

When weapons are involved, a misunderstanding on the roadway can turn dangerous, and in the Atlanta area’s traffic, we’ve seen it happen all too often.

“Do you want to go home tonight?”

Richard Taylor with Atlanta Anger Management is an expert on rage.

“Is it worth it to get engaged with a driver who you don’t know has a gun or not?” Taylor said. “Do you want to eat tonight? Do you want to go home tonight? That becomes the question.”

Taylor said as we’re driving around the seemingly never-ending cluster of cars Atlanta is famous for incidents that drivers don’t like happen every day.

Some of those drivers come to see Taylor in his office daily and he sees news reports of angry people on the roads.

“They snap,” he said. “They’re losing their conscious ability to be reasonable and they just focus on the one person… That’s the big debate we have in the nation is over access to guns.”

Taylor said stress and anger play major roles in the road rage situation, but if you add a weapon into the mix and it can become a criminal case.

Incidents all too common

A witness to a road rage in Coweta County said, from what she saw, a suspect who pointed a gun at a car used the weapon as a first instinct.

CBS46 News

“Pulling a firearm, in just about every case, should be an absolute last resort and it seems like it was this guy’s first resort” the witness said.

In another incident, a baby was shot in the foot in what police determined was a dispute on the road in DeKalb County.

In the case of the aforementioned Corvette driver, she reportedly gestured to the car behind her to go around, and the driver of the Mustang opened fire.

So what can you to avoid road rage situations? Professionals suggest NOT flashing your lights and avoiding any sort of reaction to other drivers, including hand gestures.

Getting out of your car should never be an option, experts say.

If you’re prone to getting angry, officials say it’s best not to carry your gun in the car.

Copyright 2015 WGCL-TV (Meredith Corporation). All rights reserved.

How To Drive Defensively

How to Drive Defensively

Adopting defensive-driving techniques can keep you safe on the road and may even save you money and your life! Many insurance companies reduce policyholders’ premiums if they maintain accident-free driving records or take an accredited course on defensive-driving techniques. If you want to learn how to drive defensively, follow these steps.

  1. Stay focused, keeping your hands on the wheel. Defensive drivers concentrate on the road, keeping their hands at the 10 o’clock-2 o’clock position. They don’t do other tasks while driving, some of which are illegal. These include:
    • Eating
    • Applying makeup
    • Holding a dog
    • Tending to a child
    • Operating a hand-held cell phone
    • Texting
  1. Keep your eyes moving. Continuously look in your mirrors and scan the road ahead, checking for hazards and slowing traffic so you can anticipate problems before they develop.
  2. Stay alert. Don’t drive if you’re tired, upset, or angry.
  3. Go with the flow. Most drivers know that speeding is a major cause of accidents, but driving too slow can be dangerous, too. Drive at speeds that most other vehicles are going.
  4. Use the 2 second rule on heavily traveled roads to maintain adequate spacing with the car in front of you.
    • Choose a fixed object on the road ahead of you.
    • Count “1 independence, 2 independence” when the car in front of you goes by the object. If you pass the same object before you’re done counting, slow down a bit. The 2 second rule helps reduce the chance of a rear-end collision when cars in front make sudden stops.
  1. Make yourself visible. Many accidents occur because drivers didn’t see the other car. There are a few simple ways to make your presence known, making the road safer for everyone. They include:
    • Turn signals: Use your turn signals to let other drivers know where you’re going. By using your blinkers, other drivers will be able to anticipate your actions and slow down safely.
    • Headlights: Turn on your headlights at dusk or anytime it is raining. This is more for other drivers to see you than for you to see the road. In some states it is illegal to drive without your headlights on while the windshield wipers are in operation.
    • Brake lights: Operational brake lights are a safety must. They warn cars behind you that you’re slowing down, signaling them to reduce speed, too.
    • Avoid blind spots: Don’t linger in areas where the driver in front of you can’t see you. Many people will only check their mirrors before making a lane change. If you’re lurking slightly behind and a lane away from another vehicle, assume that the driver of that car can’t see you. Either safely speed up or slow down to avoid this scenario, which often results in an accident. This is an important defensive-driving technique.
  1. Resist road rage. Aggressive drivers may infuriate you, but retaliating with similar tactics is dangerous. Take a passive approach in dealing with road rage. Use these strategies in specific road-rage scenarios:
    • Tailgaters: If the driver behind you is right on your bumper, tap the brakes a few times to let the driver know that he’s not maintaining a safe distance. If he stays on your tail, slow down gradually. Chances are the tailgater will eventually pass you.
    • Speeders: If you see a car speeding or aggressively changing lanes behind you, stay in your lane while maintaining your speed.
  1. Adapt to road conditions. Even light rain can produce dangerous conditions, particularly early in the season when the water picks up oil from the road surface, making it slippery. Tires lose their grip at higher speeds, so slowing down in inclement weather is a fundamental defensive-driving technique.
  2. Familiarize yourself with traffic rules. Refresh your memory by browsing a Department of Motor Vehicles pamphlet detailing the rules of the road. It provides guidelines on rights of way, road signs, traffic law, and contains tips on safe driving.
  3. Avoid Rear-Enders in Intersections: Move only when it is clear. Sometimes an intersection gets backed up with traffic.
    • If you’re the first car to go at green, make sure traffic on the other side of the intersection that you are moving into has cleared before you decide to go. This can prevent you from getting in a situation where you might get T-boned if you get stuck or stalled in an intersection.
    • Turning into an intersection: a lot of rear-end collisions happen when the driver behind you assumes you are going to complete the turn, even if traffic is backed up.
    • Give yourself enough room: if you must stop in an intersection, slow down carefully and keep distance from any other cars that have yet to complete the intersection. If the person behind you ‘flip-flops’ and rear-ends your car, you’ll save yourself the trouble the car in front of you is not involved. No fun having dents front And back.

Source:     http://www.wikihow.com/Drive-Defensively

CONTACT

Director Richard Taylor

Director Richard Taylor

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/atlangerman/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/atlangerman
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/atlangerman/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/atlangerman/
Yelp: http://www.yelp.com/biz/atlanta-anger-management-atlanta
About.Me www.about.me/richardtaylorAAM

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence