BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD – ANGER MANAGEMENT – ATLANTA

Be Impeccable With Your Word

Be Impeccable with Your Word is the first of The Four Agreements 2 developed by Don Miguel Ruiz.1

Expressing yourself impeccably is to express yourself in the direction of truth and love. This includes expressing love, respect, and acceptance for yourself.

It is to say what you mean. Do what you say. To live up to your core values and do not violate them.

We should consider our Word to be much more than the words and phrases that we speak. Our words came from our thoughts that come from our beliefs in how the world works, evolved from our socialization process and life experience. So our Word reflects our beliefs, attitude, our cognitive distortions, our emotions, become our words, and resulting physical actions in the things we do.

If we increase our awareness of ourselves, the first step towards growth we start to pay attention to what we believe, think and the words we speak.

Do we do what we say? No? Why?

In my own experience I have people every week who call and set up an appointment for help with anger. We agree on a time and they know the cost. I call them to remind them of the appointment time. They confirm the appointment and then do not call or show up for the appointment. It seems to be more prevalent then people actually appearing for their appointment. Why is this? Today a lot of people do not do what they say. A simple text or phone call cancelling the appointment would be the grown up responsible action to do. People who  break this agreement (Be Impeccable) , do not respect themselves nor other people. They are unreliable people and this manifests in all their relationships. No wonder anger and broken troubled relationships are increasing.

The word fickle 3 comes to my mind. Often people who need real help in Anger Management often are fickle. Old English version says they are deceitful. Not trustworthy.

fick·le  (fkl)

adj.

Characterized by erratic changeableness or instability, especially with regard to affections or attachments; capricious.


[Middle English fikel, from Old English ficol, deceitful.]


fickle·ness n.

fickly adv.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.


fickle [ˈfɪkəl]

adj

changeable in purpose, affections, etc.; capricious

[Old English ficol deceitful; related to fician to wheedle, befician to deceive]

fickleness  n

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

ThesaurusLegend:  Synonyms Related Words Antonyms

Adj. 1. fickle – marked by erratic changeableness in affections or attachments; “fickle friends”; “a flirt’s volatile affections”volatile

inconstant – likely to change frequently often without apparent or cogent reason; variable; “inconstant affections”; “an inconstant lover”; “swear not by…the inconstant moon”- Shakespeare

2. fickle – liable to sudden unpredictable change; “erratic behavior”; “fickle weather”; “mercurial twists of temperament”; “a quicksilver character, cool and willful at one moment, utterly fragile the next”erraticmercurialquicksilver

changefulchangeable – such that alteration is possible; having a marked tendency to change; ” “changeable moods”

Based on WordNet 3.0, Farlex clipart collection. © 2003-2012 Princeton University, Farlex Inc.

Self Awareness

Question to ask yourself:

  • Are you good to your Word?
  • Do you do what you say?
  • Do you live up to your core values?
  • Do you respect other people time and affections?
  • Are you reliable?
  • Are you trustworthy?
  • Do you have integrity?

If you answered “No” to any of these above questions, embrace Self Awareness and embrace Be Impeccable to Your Word and change for the better. Work towards truth and love.

These traits seems to be lacking in many people today.

To Be Impeccable with Your Word isn’t as simple as it might seem. Exploring the meaning of this first agreement your understanding of it will expand. Your self-awareness ( a key to personal growth) begins with paying attention to each moment of the day as it unfolds. This is called Mindfulness. You notice your thoughts that used to go unnoticed. You notice your comments that seemed you represent as true but notice they are not based on facts or faith you just copied something your read, heard on TV or YouTube. You notice that some of what you say is really personal beliefs not rooted in truth or love. You become aware of your subtle thoughts, beliefs, words, actions, and expressions of the day. Compared with this agreement Be Impeccable with Your Word things become more challenging than one originally imagined.

To master being impeccable requires that you heighten your awareness not just:

  • The words you say
  • The emotions you express
  • Your attitude
  • Your actions
  • Why you express the power of your belief and where it came from

You will need to develop a discipline of mindfulness to be impeccable in these expressional modes throughout the day.

Looking at emotions that bring up “negative” feelings in us: 4
  • jealousy
  • envy
  • frustration
  • sadness
  • anger
  • anxiety
  • fear
  • sorrow
  • disrespected (dissed)
  • offended
  • disgust
  • hate
  • grief
  • shame
  • embarrassed
  • panic
  • nervousness
  • insulted
  • humiliated
  • isolated
  • defeated
  • hopeless
  • grouchiness
  • moodiness
  • feeling misunderstood
  • isolation
  • alone
  • abandoned
  • self rejection
  • mad
  • enraged

While the feelings are what we feel, often being filtered though our Cognitive Distortions that are not rooted in truth and love. They are what we fall into without discernment. We react to stimuli, to events, to people, to things, and quickly let these “negative” unpleasant feeling wash over us. Many embrace them for days, for weeks, for a life time. Feeling Depressed? You let a feeling or many take a home in you instead of flowing through you as you should.

A key to good Emotional Health is to let our feeling flow through us. They are just a feeling and we observe them, we stay with them, embrace them, even if unpleasant. But they have a time and we let them go and move unto the next feeling. If we focus our attention to a positive experience, a positive thought, and positive action then they will replace the negative.

INCREASE THE POSITIVES

Positive always win over negative. Light always dispels the darkness. Truth always triumphants over lies.  The Sun will shine another day.

  • You can create and change how you feel emotionally by generating emotions, and then you feel them.
  • You can create dynamics of respect in relationship by being silent and active listening attentively.
  • Refrain from emotional reactions can create a different experience for yourself and others.
  • Express caring, compassion, appreciation in the activity of your actions.
  • Create a new different self image by new and different positive thoughts. New research shows it rewires your brain. You must implant the positive with 10-30 seconds of intentional focus. This helps the brain “remember”.

Being Impeccable To Your Word can be expressed in many ways in each moment that forms your day. ½ a day at a time. Being Present in the Moment. Being Mindful. This moment is what we have right now. The past is gone. The future, we can only hope for. It may never come. Death cannot be negotiated with. Live in the Present Moment to relieve suffering.

Silence can be Impeccable

Silence is an expression. And sometimes silence and refrain says a lot more than words can. Your actions are a part of how you create. Silence with good feelings is a positive. Silence with contempt is negative and not being impeccable. Active Listening with compassion goes a long way toward relationship building. Learn to not argue or quarrel.

Saying Sorry

Saying you are sorry is Being Impeccable To Your Word. It moves toward truth, love and forgiveness.

Fear – Anxiety – Panic

 

Fear – Anxiety – Panic are “negative emotions” that do not enhance life, they take energy away from us. They dehabilitate us. They render us ineffective.

Examples:

  • Fear of Failure
  • Fear of Death
  • Fear of Rejection
  • Fear of Ridicule
  • Fear of Loneliness
  • Fear of Misery – Poverty
  • Fear of Disappointment  – Ourselves vs. Others
  • Fear of Pain
  • Fear of The Unknown
  • Fear of Losing Your Freedom
  • Fear of Dating
  • Fear of Public Speaking
  • Fear of Success

Fear, Anxiety, Panic hold you back and are not being Impeccable.

When you experience Fear, Anxiety or Panic notice it. Embrace it. If you can stay with the feeling like diving into a deep swimming pool, swim to the bottom and be with the feeling. If you can stay with it without addictions like alcohol, drugs or other crutches it will ease. Peace will come. You can let it go. You make a choice to let it go. It goes. Then decide for a positive thought, a positive action and stay with that. Let that hold. Embrace it for as long as you can. Rewire you brain for the positive. Fear Anxiety or Panic will lessen and go elsewhere. Embrace Love. Fear and Love cannot exist side by side in you.

To Be Impeccable with Your Word is an art requiring constant vigilance with active awareness. You begin today and master over a lifetime of work. Some never master it.

It is in the trying, in the consistent practice to master our emotional expression, master our beliefs, master our thoughts, master our words and master our actions that we change into a person with Integrity, Character, Virtue, Truth and Love.

We become Impeccable.

Why not start today?

Result: Your life will become a masterpiece of beauty, grace, happiness and love.

The Four Agreements – 15th Anniversary Illustrated Edition 5

“Everything we do is based on agreements we have made – agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth.”

“In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible.”

In this powerful book that has remained on The New York Times Bestseller List for over eight years, don Miguel reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. When we are ready to change these agreements, there are four deceptively simple, yet powerful agreements that we can adopt as guiding principles. The Four Agreements® offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.

The Four Agreements are:

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Don’t Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

CONTACT

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management 
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

A Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

_______________________________________________________________
References:

1. Don Miguel Ruiz Website: http://www.miguelruiz.com/index.php

2. The Four Agreements Amazon

3. Fickle The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

Based on WordNet 3.0, Farlex clipart collection. © 2003-2012 Princeton University, Farlex Inc.

4.  Emotions    http://atlantaangermanagement.com/anger.htm

5.  The Four Agreements – 15th Anniversary Illustrated Edition

BUILDING OPTIMISM

Learning to be Optimistic

REWIRE THE BRAIN WITH FOCUSED THOUGHT

ABCDE MODEL 

Learn to be optimistic using a technique based on Albert Ellis – Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy.

Professor Martin Seligman has elaborated on this in his book ‘Authentic Happiness’

This is a method for building optimism by recognizing and disputing pessimistic thoughts. The key to disputing your own pessimistic thoughts is to first recognize them and then to treat them as if they were uttered by an external person, a rival whose mission in life is to make you miserable.

  1. Become more aware of your conscious thought processes and begin to treat them as if they were being uttered by an external person whose goal in life is to make you unhappy.  (Distancing)
  2. Distract yourself from the thoughts – i.e. don’t allow yourself to think about them by directing your mind elsewhere. The rubber band technique is useful. Distraction is the best technique if you have to perform a task and it would be unhelpful to think about it.
  3. Dispute the beliefs. Disputation is the most important technique here and involves checking out the accuracy of the beliefs about ourselves that are encouraging us to feel pessimistic.  When we dispute we use the same techniques which we use to argue with other people.

Once you recognize that you have a pessimistic thought that seems unwarranted, counteract it by using the ABCDE model.

A stands for Activating Event
B for the Beliefs you automatically have when it occurs
C for Consequences of the belief
D for your Disputing your routine belief – using facts and logic, not wasteful thinking on affirmations.
E for the Energization that occurs when you dispute it successfully (this simply means to pay attention to how you feel (e.g. lighter, more energized, more optimistic) as a result of disputing your negative thoughts)

By effectively disputing the beliefs that follow an activating event or adversity, you can change your reaction from dejection and giving up to activity and embrace good cheer.

Exercise – During the next 5 activating events or adversity you face in your daily life, listen closely for your beliefs, observe the consequences, and dispute your beliefs vigorously. Record all this on a piece of paper.  Once you have done this on paper a few times you can then simply go through the process in your head.

Example:

Adversity:      

You gave a presentation and didn’t use your allocated time and stumbled in a few places.

Belief:    

I’m really bad at public speaking.  I always make a mess of it.  I really ought not to do it again because I’ll just be as bad.  My boss must think I’m not up to the job.

Consequences: 

You turn down appointments to speak and therefore let your fear get the better of
you.  If you speak again you are very nervous and apprehensive and therefore much more likely to make mistakes.

Disputation:    

I haven’t had much experience of giving presentations.  That was only my third.
The head of department spoke for less time as well and no-one was bothering about it.  A number  of people asked me questions and were interested in what I was saying.  Kevin even said he liked my slides and he isn’t one to say positive things to people.  I might not have been that fluent but I was ok and if I can conquer my nerves I should be better next time.

There are 4 different ways to make your disputations convincing:

Evidence – shows that the negative beliefs are factually incorrect. Most negative beliefs are overreactions. So ask ‘what is the evidence for this belief?’  (This is not just about affirmations or repeating positive statements it is about employing logical arguments.)

Alternatives ask yourself if there are alternative ways to look at the problem which are less damaging to yourself. Focus in particular on causes which are changeable (e.i. you were tired), the specific (e.i. only this instance), and the non personal (other people’s contribution to the problem).

Implications – even if you still take a negative view of what you have done you can still decatastrophize. E.I. even if you did put your foot in it at the interview and didn’t get this job what are the implications for other jobs or the rest of your life? [You are not defined by failure, success is on the horizon.]

Usefulness – question the usefulness of your belief. It can be helpful here to realize that even negative situations can in the long run work out well. We can also realize that some of our beliefs about the world (e.i. that it should be fair) though laudable lead us to be unduly negative. [Think: “Everything turns out as it out to be for the better good.”]

 

Source: http://www.centreforconfidence.co.uk/pp/techniques.php?p=c2lkPTQmdGlkPTMmaWQ9NjY=

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Classes
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Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management 
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in:http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

A Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

REWIRE YOUR BRAIN – PRACTICE NOT QUARRELING

Who do you argue with?

The Practice

Don’t quarrel.

Why?

It’s one thing to stick up for yourself and others. But it’s a different matter to get caught up in wrangles, contentiousness, squabbles . . . in a word: quarrels.

Similarly, it’s one thing to disagree with someone, even to the point of arguing – but it’s a different matter to get so caught up in your position that you lose sight of the bigger picture, including your relationship with the other person. Then you’re quarreling.

You know you’re quarreling when you find yourself getting irritated, especially with that sticky feeling that you’re just not gonna quit until you’ve won.

Quarrels happen both out in the open, between people, and inside the mind, like when you make a case in your head about another person or keep revisiting an argument to make your point more forcefully. We quarrel most with family and friends – imagine that! – but also with people on TV, or politicians and groups we don’t like. We can even quarrel with conditions in life (such as an illness or tight money) or with physical objects, like a sticky drawer slammed shut in anger.

However they happen, quarrels are stressful, activating the ancient fight-or-flight machinery in your brain and body: a bit of this won’t harm you, but a regular diet of quarreling is not good for your long-term physical and mental health.

Plus it eats away like acid on a relationship. For example, I was in a serious relationship in my mid-twenties that was headed for marriage, but our regular quarrels finally so scorched the earth in our hearts that no love could grow there for each other.

This week, try not quarrel with anyone or anything.

How?

Be mindful of what quarreling feels like, in your body, emotions, and thoughts. For example, be aware of that sense of revving up, pushing against, being right, and driving your view home that is so characteristic of quarreling. Ask yourself: Does this feel good? Is this good for me?

Observe the impact of quarreling in relationships, whether you’re doing it or others are (including on the world stage). Ask yourself:Are the results good? What would my relationships be like if I did not quarrel in them?

If you sense yourself warming up to a quarrel, step back, slow down, don’t do it. Try a different approach: Say only what truly needs saying; stay calm and contained, without trying to persuade the other person; don’t take any bait. If it comes to this, let the other person, not you, look over-heated and argumentative.

Richard Taylor adds: [ “If you want to always be right you will end up single.”]

Much of the time, you’ll realize that nothing needs to be said at all:you just don’t have to resist the other person. His or her words can pass on by like a gust of air swirling some leaves along its way. You don’t have to be contentious. Your silence does not equal agreement. Nor does it mean that the other person has won the point – and even if he or she has, would that actually matter so much in a week – or year – or so?

If you do get caught up in a quarrel, as soon as you realize that’s happened, back out of it. A good first step is to get quieter. Think about what really matters in the interaction – like saying what you are going to do in the future, or finding out some key fact – and then zero in on that thing, whatever it is. Maybe acknowledge to the other person that you’ve realized you’ve gotten into a kind of argument here, but that’s not what you really want to do. If that person tries to keep up the fight, you don’t have to. It takes two to quarrel, and only one to stop it. Then when the time is right, as you can, try to repair the damage of the quarrel.

Overall, explore the sense of being at peace with the world, without a quarrel with anyone.

(The feeling of this reminds me of a saying from my wife’s childhood, which should be adapted to one’s own situation: Be a friend to all, and a sister to every Girl Scout!)

by

Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
25 Mitchell Blvd.
San Rafael, California 94903

Used With Permission

My Offerings

· Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom – Written with a neurologist, Richard Mendius, M.D., and with a Foreword by Daniel Siegel, M.D. and a Preface by Jack Kornfield, Ph.D., it’s full of effective ways to use your mind to change your brain to benefit your whole being.
· Stress-Proof Your Brain -Meditations to rewire neural pathways for stress relief and unconditional happiness.
· Meditations to Change Your Brain – Three CDs of powerful guided practices, plus practical suggestions, for personal transformation.
·  Meditations for Happiness – Downloadable program (3 CDs worth) on gratitude, inner protectors, and coming home to happiness.

Question? Are we going to remember this argument in a year from now? 

Related Richard’s Selected Best In Class Books – DVDs – Meditations

Couples Conflict Management

Couples Communication Help

What Is Anger Management?

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management

5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: http://www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

A Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence