How Insecurity Leads to Envy, Jealousy, and Shame

Envy, Jealousy, Insecurity, and Shame
have been coming up frequently in Private Sessions.

Good article to reflect on and implement it’s suggestions. – Richard Taylor

How Insecurity Leads to Envy, Jealousy, and Shame

Envy, jealousy, and shame are inextricably intertwined. Envy and jealousy are primal emotions that frequently overlap. They’re commonly first felt in the form of sibling rivalry and Oedipal longings. A child innately wants mommy and daddy all to him — or herself and feels “excluded” from the marital bond, especially if there have been parenting deficits that have led to shame and emotional abandonment.

Typically, young children of heterosexual parents see their same-sex parent as a rival for their opposite parent’s love. They feel both envious and jealous of their same-sex parent. Similarly, an interloper in a marriage may feel both jealous and envious toward the spouse he or she wishes to replace, possibly re-enacting childhood feelings toward his or her parents.

Children are frequently envious and jealous of the attention showered on a newborn sibling. Belief that a sibling is favored can create lifelong feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Envy

Envy is a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to someone ‘s advantages, possessions, or traits such as beauty, success, or talent. It’s also a common defense to shame, when we feel less than another in some respect. When the defense is working, we’re not aware of feeling inadequate. We may even feel superior and disparage the person we envy. A malignant narcissist might go so far as to sabotage, misappropriate, or defame the envied person, all the while unconscious of feeling inferior. Arrogance and aggression serve as defenses along with envy. Generally, the degree of our devaluation or aggression is commensurate with the extent of underlying shame.

Bill was chronically resentful and envious of his brother’s financial success, but because of unconscious shame, he spent or gave away his money. He was on the road to homelessness to fulfill his father’s shaming curse that he was a failure and would end up on the street.

I may envy my friend Barbara’s new Mercedes, knowing I can’t afford it, and feel inferior to her. I might have the funds, but feel conflicted about buying it, because I feel undeserving of owning it. Or, I might emulate Barbara and take steps to acquire a Mercedes. However, if envy motivated me to copy her, and I ignored my values or true desires, I won’t derive any pleasure from my efforts. In contrast, I can think about my needs, desires, and how to fulfill them. I may be happy for Barbara, or my envy may be fleeting. I might realize that I have competing values or desires and that what suits her isn’t right for me. These are all healthy responses.

Jealousy

Jealousy also stems from feelings of inadequacy, though they are usually more conscious than with envy. However, whereas envy is the desire to possess what someone else has, jealousy is the fear of losing what we have. We feel vulnerable to losing the attention or feelings of someone close to us. It is defined as mental uneasiness due to suspicion or fear of rivalry or unfaithfulness and may include envy when our rival has aspects that we desire. By discouraging infidelity, jealousy historically has served to maintain the species, certainty of paternity, and the integrity of the family. But it can be a destructive force in relationships — even lethal. Jealousy is the leading cause of spousal homicides.

Margot’s deep-seated belief that she was inadequate and undeserving of love motivated her to seek male attention and at times intentionally act in ways to make her boyfriend jealous and more eager. Her insecurity also made her jealous. She imagined that he desired other women more than her, when that wasn’t the case. Her beliefs reflect toxic or internalized shame common among codependents. It’s caused by the emotional abandonment in childhood and leads to problems in intimate relationships. (See What is Emotional Abandonment.) Studies show that insecure individuals are more prone to jealousy.

Jill had healthy self-esteem. When her boyfriend lunches with his female friend and work colleagues, she isn’t jealous because she’s secure in their relationship and her own lovability. If he had an affair, she would have feelings about his betrayal of trust, but not necessarily jealously, because she doesn’t hold the belief that his behavior reflects a deficiency in her.

Shame

Whether we’re in the position of have or have-not, essentially, both envy and jealousy involve comparisons that reflect a feeling of insufficiency — “I’m inferior to X who has what I want,” or “I’m inferior to X who may diminish (or is diminishing) my importance to someone.” Feeling “not enough” is the common thread. Comparisons are a red flag for underlying shame. The greater is the intensity or chronicity of these feelings, the greater shame.

Thus, codependents take rejection hard, because of low self-esteem, toxic shame, and history of emotional abandonment. (See my post about breakups.) Typically, shame leads to attacking oneself or another. While some people blame themselves when rejected, others think, “He or she wasn’t really worthy of my love anyway.”

We may also behave in ways that drive our partner to leave, because it validates a belief that we’re unworthy of love. It may be a variation of “I’ll give you a reason to leave” or, “I’ll leave before I’m left.” Either way, it’s a defensive move to prevent getting too attached. It gives us a sense of control over the anticipated inevitable abandonment that would hurt even more. (See breaking the cycle of abandonment.)

Safety in Numbers

Envy and jealousy should be examined in the broader context of a relationship among the three actors — even if one is imaginary, such as in Margot’s case. Each person plays a role that serves a function. It’s more stable and less emotionally intense than a dyad.

A third person in a close relationship can mediate unresolved intimacy issues by siphoning off some of the couple’s intensity and help maintain the primary relationship. To do this, parents often “triangulate” a child into the role of identified problem child or surrogate spouse, which mediates problems in the marriage. The latter case foments Oedipal desires in the child that can cause dysfunction in later adult relationships.

A paramour can provide an ambivalent spouse a sense of independence that allows him or her to stay in the marital relationship. The spouse may feel torn between two loves, but at least he doesn’t feel trapped or that he or she is losing him or herself in the marriage. Intimacy lacking in the marriage can be made up for in the affair, but the marital problems don’t get addressed.

Once an affair is exposed, the homeostasis in the marriage is disrupted. Remorse doesn’t necessarily solve the underlying intimacy and autonomy problems. Sometimes, when jealousy subsides, new conflicts arise to recreate distance between the partners. When individual autonomy and intimacy are established within the couple, the relationship is stronger, and interest in the third person generally evaporates. If infidelity leads to divorce, frequently the removal of the rival spouse, who mediated the affair, gives rise to new conflicts in the once-illicit relationship that result in its eventual demise.

The unfaithful spouse’s continued contact with his or her ex may simultaneously dilute yet allow the relationship with the new partner to survive. The drama of it all also adds an element of excitement, that while stressful, alleviates depression typical of codependency.

Do’s and Don’ts

The best insurance against jealousy and envy are to increase your self-esteem. For jealousy, improve the intimacy in your relationship. If you’re suspicious of your mate, journal about any times in prior relationships (including same-sex and family relationships) when you were betrayed or rejected. If you’re still concerned, tell your partner the behavior that bothers you with an open mind in a non-accusatory manner. Share your feelings of insecurity, rather than judging him or her. Respect your partner’s privacy and freedom. Don’t try to control or cross-examine your partner, or sneak into his or her email or phone, which creates new problems and can make your partner distrust you.

This post was inspired by an insightful article:

Stenner, P. (2013). Foundation by Exclusion: Jealousy and Envy. In Bernhard Malkmus and Ian Cooper (Eds.), Dialectic and Paradox: configurations of the third in modernity. Oxford: Lang 53-79.

See also Buss, D.M. (2000). The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex. Free Press.

©Darlene Lancer 2015

Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/envy-jealousy-and-shame/

Thank you Darlene Lancer.
_________________________________________

Owner/Director Richard L Taylor, BS CART, CAME
Certified Anger Resolution Therapist™
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HOW TO BE KIND

Three Parts:Developing a Kinder Perspective Developing Kind Qualities Taking Action Community  Q&A

Being kind is a vital way of bringing meaning to our own lives as well as the lives of others. Being kind allows us to communicate better, be more compassionate, and also to be a positive force in people’s lives. Kindness has its true source deep within you, and while some people are innately kind, it’s something that everyone can cultivate by choice.

Part 1

Developing a Kinder Perspective

1. Care for others genuinely. At its most basic, kindness is about caring genuinely for others around you, wanting the best for them, and recognizing in them the same wants, needs, aspirations, and even fears that you have too. Kindness is warm, resilient, patient, trusting, loyal, and grateful.^[1] Piero Ferrucci sees kindness as being about “making less effort” because it frees us from getting knotted up in negative attitudes and feelings such as resentment, jealousy, suspicion, and manipulation.^[2] Ultimately, kindness is deep caring for all beings.
   • Practice kindness and generosity toward others. Being out of practice, being shy, or not knowing how to reach out to others can only be overcome in the doing, by continually trying until it becomes a natural impulse to be kind and giving to others.
   • Ask for nothing in return. The greatest kindness expects nothing, comes with no strings attached, and places no conditions on anything done or said.

 

1. Don’t be kind for the sake of getting what you want. Beware of deluded kindness. Kindness is not about “self-interested politeness, calculated generosity, superficial etiquette”.^[3] Simply being nice to other people because you believe that this will manipulate them into giving you what you want in life, or as a means of controlling them, is not kindness. Nor is kindness about pretending to care for someone all the while repressing anger or contempt; hiding our rage or frustration behind false pleasantries is not kindness.
   • Finally, being a people pleaser is not kindness; that’s simply behavior designed to give in and not rock the boat because you’re afraid that taking a step forward will sink the ship.

 

1. Be kind to yourself. Many people make the error of trying to be kind to others while at the same time not focusing on being kind to themselves. Some of this can stem from not liking aspects of yourself, but more often than not, it’s sourced in the inability to know yourself better. And unfortunately, when you don’t feel rock solid within yourself, your kindness to others risks falling into the deluded types of kindness described in the previous step. Or, it can lead to burn-out and disillusionment because you’ve put everyone else first.
   • Self-knowledge allows you to see what causes you pain and conflict, and enables you to embrace your contradictions and inconsistencies. It allows the space to work on things about yourself that you’re not happy with. In turn, self-knowledge helps to prevent you from projecting your negative aspects onto other people, thereby empowering you to treat other people with love and kindness.^[4].
   • Take time to become more self-aware and use this learning to be kinder to both yourself (remembering that we all have weaknesses) and to others. In this way, your inner angst is being dealt with rather than fueling your need to project the hurt and pain.
   • Avoid viewing time taken to become more aware of your own needs and limits as an act of selfishness; far from it, it is a vital pre-condition to being able to reach out to other people with great strength and awareness.
   • Ask yourself what you think it means to be kinder to yourself. For many people, being kinder to themselves includes monitoring the chatter in your thoughts and stopping your negative thinking.

 

1. Learn kindness from others. Think about the truly kind people in your life and how they make you feel. Do you carry their warm glow around in your heart every time you think of them? It is likely that you do because kindness lingers, warming you even when the hardest challenges face you. When other people find a way to love you for who you are, it’s impossible to forget such trust and confirmation of worthiness, and their kindness lives on forever.
   • Remember how other people’s kindness “makes your day”. What is it about their kindness that makes you feel special and cherished? Are there things that they do that you can replicate from your own heart?

 

1. Cultivate kindness for the good of your own health. Improved psychological health and happiness comes from thinking more positively, and kindness is a positive mental state. While kindness is about giving and being open to others, giving kindness returns a sense of well-being and connection to us that improves our own mental state and health.
   • Although simple, the very ability to be kind is in itself a powerful and consistent reward, a self-esteem booster.^[5]

 

1. Make a habit of focusing on kindness. Leo Babauta says that kindness is a habit and is one that everyone can cultivate. He suggests focusing on kindness every day for a month. At the end of this directed focus, you’ll be aware of profound changes in your life, you’ll feel better about yourself as a person, and you’ll find that people react to you differently, including treating you better. As he says, in the long run, being kind is karma in practice.^[6] Suggestions to help cultivate your kindness include:
   • Do one kind thing for someone every day. Make a conscious decision at the beginning of the day what that kind act will be and make time to do it during the day.
   • Be kind, friendly, and compassionate when you interact with someone, and even more so where that person normally makes you angry, stressed, or bothered. Use kindness as your strength.
   • Build up your small acts of kindness into larger acts of compassion. Volunteering for those in need and taking the initiative to relieve suffering are bigger acts of compassion.^[7]
   • Meditate to help spread kindness. Read Practice Loving Kindness Meditation (Metta) for more details.

 

1. Be kind to everyone, not just people “in need”. Expand your circle of kindness. It can be very easy to be kind when we’re unconsciously doing what Stephanie Dowrick terms “patronizing kindness”.^[8] This refers to kindness given to those people we feel are truly in need (the sick, the poor, the vulnerable, and those who align with our own ideals). Being kind to people close to us, emotionally (like family or friends) or in other ways (from the same country, of the same color, gender etc.), is also easier than being kind to those the philosopher Hegel called “the other”. It can be more difficult to be kind to people we may consider our equals, but it will be worth it.
   • The trouble with restricting our kindness to “convenient” cases is that we fail to recognize that we need to be kind to everyone, no matter who they are, their level of wealth or fortune, their values and beliefs, their behavior and attitudes, their place of origin, their likeness to ourselves, etc.
   • By choosing to be kind only to those we feel are deserving of kindness, we are unleashing our own biases and judgment, and only practicing conditional kindness. Natural kindness encompasses all beings and while the challenges you’ll face when trying to put this broader notion of kindness into practice will sometimes be trying, you’ll never stop learning about the depths of your ability to be truly kind.
   • If you’re neglecting being kind to someone else just because you think they can cope without your support or understanding, then you’re practicing selective kindness.

 

1. Minimize judgment. If you really want to be kind, then you have to kick your judgment to the curb. Instead of spending your time being critical of other people, work on being positive and compassionate. If you tend to think poorly of others, wish other people could step up their game, or feel like the people around you are needy or clueless, then you’ll never learn true kindness. Stop judging people and realize that you’ll never fully understand where they’re coming from unless you walk a day in their shoes. Focus on wanting to help others instead of judging them for not being better than they are.
   • If you’re judgmental, prone to gossip, or just always bad-mouthing the people around you, you’ll never be able to move past your reservations to be kind.
   • Being kind means giving people the benefit of the doubt instead of expecting perfection.

Part 2

Developing Kind Qualities

1. Be compassionate toward others. It’s important to take in the message, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”. Attributed to Plato, this saying is a recognition that everyone is undergoing some challenge or other in their lives and that sometimes, it’s all too easy for us to lose sight of that when embroiled in our own problems or anger against them. Before committing an action that might impact another person negatively, ask yourself a simple question: “Is this kind?”. If you cannot answer this in the affirmative, this is a reminder to change your action and approach immediately.
   • Even where you’re feeling at your very worst, remember that other people are also feeling uncertainty, pain, hardship, sadness, disappointment, and loss. In no way does this belittle your own feelings but it does allow you to realize that people often react from their hurt and pain rather than from their whole self, and kindness is the key to seeing past the raging emotions and connecting with the real person inside.

 

1. Don’t expect perfection. If you have a tendency toward perfectionism, competitiveness, or a driven sense of urgency, self-kindness can often be a victim of your ambition and fast pace, as well as your fear of being seen to be lazy or selfish.^[9] Remember to slow down and to forgive yourself when things don’t work out as wished.
   • Learn from your mistakes rather than beating yourself up over them, or comparing yourself to others.^[10] It is through self-compassionate responses that you can start to see other people’s needs in a compassionate light.
2. Be present. The greatest gift of kindness to another person is to be in the moment in their presence, to be listening with care, and to be genuinely attentive to them. Schedule your day differently, and stop being known as the person who always rushes off. Being present means being available; you can only do this if you’re not rushing or squeezing in people and activities.
   • Ease off the technical means of communicating with others. Impersonal and hurried technical communications like text and email have their place in life, but not as your only means of communicating. Take time to connect with people face-to-face, or via an uninterrupted phone call. Send a letter instead of an email and surprise someone with the kindness of your having taken time out of your day to put pen to paper.

 

1. Be a good listener. The act of listening is easier said than done in our fast-paced world, where rushing and being busy are seen as virtues; where cutting someone off because you’re too busy, or you need to get somewhere in a hurry, is the norm. Making being busy into a habit is no excuse for unkindness, however. When talking to someone, learn to listen with your whole being and sincerely pay attention to them until they’re done revealing their thoughts and story.
   • Truly listening to someone, making eye contact, avoiding all distractions, and giving a person the time of day is one of the greatest acts of kindness. Take the time to truly absorb what the person is saying before responding with a pre-made answer or interrupting. Show the person that you appreciate the unique situation he’s in and that you’re there to lend an ear.
   • Being a good listener doesn’t mean being a great problem solver. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be there to listen, while acknowledging that you don’t know what the person should do.

 

1. Be optimistic. Happiness, joy, and gratitude rest at the heart of kindness, allowing you to see the good in others and the world, enabling you to press through the challenges, despair, and cruelty you witness and experience, continuously restoring your sense of faith in humanity. Maintaining an optimistic attitude ensures that acts of kindness are committed with genuine joy and cheerfulness rather than with reluctance or out of a sense of duty or service. And keeping your sense of humor ensures that you don’t take yourself too seriously and take life’s contradictory and contrary moments with good faith.
   • It’s not always easy to be optimistic, especially when you’ve had a crummy day. But with enough practice, anyone can cultivate optimism by focusing on the positive instead of the negative, thinking ahead to happy things in the future, and living a life that is filled with more joy than sadness. And it doesn’t cost a dollar to look on the brighter side of things, either.
   • Being optimistic and staying positive will not only put you in more of a mindset to be kind, but it will also bring joy to those around you. If you spend much of your time complaining, then it will be more difficult to bring happiness to the people in your orbit.
   • Read How to be happy, How to be funny, and How to be thankful for more information on how to cultivate optimism.

 

1. Be friendly. People who are kind tend to also be friendly. This doesn’t mean they are the most outgoing people in the room, but that they make an effort to get to know new people and to make them feel at home. If there’s someone new at your school or workplace, you can try to talk to that person, explain how things work, and even invite him or her to social events. Even if you’re not outgoing, just smiling and making small talk with people can go a long way in making you friendlier, and this kindness will not go unnoticed.
   • Friendly people are kind because they expect the best from people. They talk to new people and friends alike in an easygoing, reassuring way that makes them feel at home.
   • If you’re naturally shy, you don’t have to change your personality completely. Just make a bit more of an effort to be nice to people by giving them your attention, asking them how they are, and showing an interest in them.

 

1. Be polite. Although being polite is not an indication of kindness in itself, genuine politeness demonstrates your respect for those you’re interacting with. Being polite is the kind way of getting people’s attention and putting your point across. Some simple ways to do this include:
   • Find ways to rephrase your requests or responses to others. For example, say “May I?” instead of “Can I?”; say “I’m surprised” instead of “That’s not fair”; say “Let me explain that another way” instead of saying “That’s not what I said”. Rephrasing your language speaks volumes.
   • Have excellent manners. Hold doors open for people, avoid being overly vulgar in person, and don’t be overly familiar with new people.
   • Make compliments and mean them.
   • Read How to practice courtesy and kindness for more ideas.

 

1. Be grateful. People who are truly kind are easily able to express gratitude. They don’t take anything for granted and always thank people for helping them out. They know how to say “thank you” and really mean it, they write thank-you cards, and they are comfortable with acknowledging when they have been helped. People who are grateful also thank people just because, for things like making their days brighter, instead of only thanking them for completing specific tasks. If you make a habit of being more grateful to the people around you, you’ll see that your capacity for kinds will increase.
   • If you’re more observant of all the nice things other people do for you, then you’ll be more ready to do nice things for others. You’ll be more aware of how good the kindness of others makes you feel and will feel more inclined to spread the love.

Part 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taking Action

1. Love animals and the living world. Loving animals and caring for pets is kindness in action. Nothing compels you to care about beings of another species, especially in a day and age where the tools of human domination are so powerful. And yet, the very act of loving an animal and respecting the animal for its own value is an expression of deep kindness. As well, being kind to the world that sustains and nurtures us is sensible as well as kind, ensuring that we don’t poison the very elements that assure us a healthy life.
   • Adopt or foster a pet. Your kindness will be rewarded by letting another being into your life who will bring you joy and love.
   • Offer to pet-sit for a friend who is going away. Give your friend the reassurance that someone loving and caring will be tending to her pet while she’s away.
   • Respect the species you’re caring for. Humans don’t “own” animals; rather, we stand in a relationship of being responsible for their well-being and care.
   • Take time to restore parts of your local environment with the local community. Go for walks in nature with family, friends, alone, and commune with the world that you’re a part of. Share your love for nature with others, to help reawaken their sense of connection with nature.

 

1. Share. People who are kind are happy to share with others. You can share your favorite sweater, half of your delicious enchilada, or even words of career advice to someone younger than you. The important thing is that you’re sharing something that you actually care about, instead of giving away something you don’t really need. It’s much more meaningful to let your friend borrow your favorite sweater than to give her an old hand-me-down you never wear. Sharing with people will make you more generous and thus, more inclined towards kindness.
   • Keep an eye out for people who would really benefit from some of the things you have. They may not always ask for them, but you can offer them readily before they admit that they need something from you.

 

1. Smile more. Smiling is a simple act of kindness that can go a long way. Make a habit of smiling at strangers, or at your friends or acquaintances. Though you don’t have to walk around with a smile plastered on your face, smiling at people will make them smile back, and will bring even a modicum of joy to their days. What’s more, smiling can actually trick your mind into feeling happier than it previously was. Everybody wins when you smile, and your capacity for kindness will grow in the process.
   • Smiling at people will also make them more comfortable and will make you look more approachable, which is another way of being kind. Being welcoming to others, and even giving strangers the benefit of the doubt by smiling at them, is another way of being kind.

 

1. Take an interest in people. People who are truly kind are genuinely interested in other people. They aren’t kind to them just because they want to get what they want or because they are fishing for a favor. They do it because they genuinely care about how people are doing and want those around them to be happy and healthy. To be more kind, work on developing an interest in other people and show them that you care by being attentive, asking questions, and paying attention to them. Here are some ways to take an interest in people:
   • Ask people how they are and mean it.
   • Ask people about their hobbies, interests, and families.
   • If someone you cared about had a big life event, ask that person how it went.
   • If someone you know has a big exam or interview coming up, wish him or her luck.
   • When you talk to people, make sure they are doing at least about half of the talking. Don’t dominate a conversation and focus more on the other person than yourself.
   • Make eye contact and put away your cell phone when you talk to people. Show that they are your first priority.

 

1. Call up a friend just because. You don’t always need a reason to call up a good friend. Make a goal of calling one friend per week, or even two friends per week, just to catch up and see how that person is doing. Don’t call to make plans or to ask that person something specific; call just because you miss your friend and have been thinking about him or her. Getting in touch with your friends out of the blue will make them feel cared for and will make you feel good; this shows kindness and thoughtfulness.
   • If you’re really short on time, you can start by making a habit of calling up your friends on their birthdays. Don’t be lazy and send a text message or even a Facebook post, but give your friend a phone call from the heart.

 

1. Donate your things. Another way to be kind is to donate some of your belongings to charity. Instead of throwing out your old things or selling them for 50 cents at a garage sale, donate the things you don’t need to a good cause. If you have clothes, books, or other household items that are in good condition, then making a habit of donating these things to charity instead of storing them up or tossing them is a great way to spread your kindness to others.
   • If you have some clothes or books that someone you know would want, then don’t be shy about donating those items to that person. This is another way of being kind.

 

1. Do a random act of kindness. “Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.” These are the words once said by Princess Diana. The practice of random acts of kindness is alive and well as a conscious effort to spread more kindness; there are even groups that have established themselves to perform this essential civic duty! Here are some great random acts of kindness you can do:
   • Shovel a neighbor’s driveway as well as your own.
   • Wash a friend’s car.
   • Put money into an expired meter.
   • Help someone carry a heavy bag.
   • Leave a gift on someone’s doorstep.
   • For more details on practicing random acts of kindness, read How to practice random acts of kindness.

 

1. Transform your life through kindness. Changing how you live and how you view the world might seem daunting. But take a note of Aldous Huxley’s prescription for transforming your life: “People often ask me what is the most effective technique for transforming their life. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say that the best answer is–just be a little kinder.”^[11] Take Huxley’s many years of research to heart and allow kindness to transform your life, to transcend all feelings and actions of aggression, hate, despising, anger, fear, and self-deprecation, and to restore strength worn away by despair.
   • Through being kind, you take a stand by affirming that caring for others, for our environment, for yourself is the right way to live life.^[12] It isn’t about immediate effectiveness; kindness is a lifestyle choice, a constant hum and rhythm accompanying every single thing that you think and do.
   • Through being kind, you let go of the burden of worrying that others have more than you, are less or more deserving than you, or are in a position of superiority or inferiority to you. Instead, kindness assumes everyone is worthy, you included.
   • Through being kind, you recognize that we are all in this together. When you harm another person, you also harm yourself. What you do to support others also supports you.

Community Q&A

• How do I be kind when I am upset, sad, or grumpy?

Recognize your emotional state and find ways to calm yourself: deep breaths, taking some alone time, et cetera. Focus entirely on the other person. If you’re too upset to handle it, say “I’m upset and I can’t be a good listener right now.” Give yourself patience and time, and don’t push things before you’re ready.

 

• How can I be kind to others when I feel empty or don’t care about others?

If you feel this way, you need to start by being kind to yourself first. You’re projecting what you feel deep inside about yourself — empty and without self care. Spend some time caring for your own self and needs first, perhaps getting counseling for unresolved issues that are holding you back from being your best self. When you learn to love yourself and take good care of you, then you’ll find it much easier to be kind to others.

 

• How do you be nice to people when they are always attacking you, physically or emotionally?

Rise above and do your best to remove those people from your life. Dealing with not nice people isn’t always fun or fair, but you will thank yourself for staying true to your kind self.

• How do I remain calm when I feel like someone’s using me?

If you feel like someone is using you, tell them your feelings directly. If they are your friend, they will not be mad at you for sharing your opinion. If you’re having trouble staying calm around this person, you may want to take a break from spending time with them.

 

• Do I have to be kind even when some people never appreciate my kindness?

Being kind for the sake of being kind doesn’t require appreciation in return. If you place a condition on kindness, then it’s not really being kind. There are many reasons why people aren’t instantly or obviously appreciative, including astonishment, exhaustion, slowness to respond, obtuseness, quiet appreciation, etc. Some people are rude but that just means more kindness is needed. It may also help you to understand that it’s more about your karma, not theirs, without being a doormat, of course.

• Am I ever too old to make this change?

No, you’re never too old. Everyone of every age can benefit from being kinder. If you’ve been mean your whole life, it might take people some time to adjust to your change of heart, but it’s worth it!

• Why do we need to learn kindness from others?

It’s not so much about learning kindness as about unlearning all the defensiveness that socializing teaches us. We feel safer being defensive and self/family protective, and this is part of our ancient ancestral understandings that enhance survival. Kindness often forces us to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, to understand where they’re coming from even if we don’t usually think like them. It also requires a spirit of generosity and care for strangers, which can sometimes be difficult when we worry about our own/own family’s needs. Yet, kindness begets kindness, so it is often through seeing others’ kindness that we learn it has beneficial, supportive and caring outcomes that each of us aspires to in the greater scheme of life.

Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Kind

 

CONTACT

Director Richard Taylor BS, CART
Certified Anger Resolution Therapist

COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

BE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT

CERTIFIED EQ-i 2.0 ASSESSMENTS

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

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#1 Atlanta Certified Anger Management Provider

The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

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Keep the Conflict Small!

Keep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)

By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.

© 2015 by Bill Eddy

Whether you’re having an argument with a family member, friend or co-worker, it’s easy nowadays to make little conflicts way too big. All around us are repeated images of people arguing and losing control of their emotions – in emails, on the Internet, in movies and on TV – especially in the news (do you know what so-and-so said about you-know-who?) Not only is this unnecessary, but allowing conflicts to get large can be harmful to important relationships, increase the anxiety of those around us (especially children) and lower one’s status in other people’s eyes.

For example, in a recent article in Parade Magazine about the steps to becoming a successful entrepreneur, the author-expert Linda Rottenberg wrote: “The most important step is to manage your emotions.” (“An Entrepreneur Should Never Be a Daredevil,” November 2, 2014) In a recently-reported study about children’s brain development, child psychiatrist and researcher Jeffrey Rowe said the first five years of life are critically important to forming proper brain connections. “If you can’t control yourself, can’t control your emotions, you can’t pay attention to the outside world.” (B.J. Fikes, “Money, brain size linked,” U-T San Diego, March 31, 2015)

This article has some suggestions for keeping conflicts small by managing our emotions. Managed emotions are a big part of our skills-training methods, New Ways for Families and New Ways for Work, and may be more important in today’s world than ever before.
Try to Avoid This

A Family Feud: An argument in a couple: “You always leave your socks on the floor.” (That’s a little conflict.) “You’re such a slob.” (Now it’s a judgment about the whole person.) “You men, you’re all alike – irresponsible and self-centered!” (Now it’s about a whole gender.) If another family member came into this argument at this point, he or she would probably take gender sides and the conflict could easily get much bigger.

A Workplace Conflict: Some people clean up after themselves in the lunchroom and others don’t. Joe is a cleaner-upper. ”Look at this banana peel and sandwich bag, just left behind.” (A problem to solve.) “Why do I always have to clean up for everyone else!” (Now it’s about being a victim of everyone.) “Maybe I should go someplace to work where I’m appreciated!” (Now it’s about quitting – ending the relationship.)

A Divorce Dispute: Parents have to discuss a change of schedule: “I’ve got an opportunity for this coming Wednesday night – can we switch so I see the kids Tuesday or Thursday?” (A common problem to solve.) “I’ve told you a hundred times, I’m sticking to our Agreement, with no exceptions. 100%. The kids need absolute stability.” (Now we’re slipping into all-or-nothing thinking. Doubtful that it’s been a hundred times. However, rare cases do require no changes, because of extreme manipulation or violence in the past.) “In fact, I’m going to take you back to court to reduce your time with the kids, you f—ing jerk! You’re the worst father/mother in the world.” (Oops. Guess the children’s stability isn’t the issue after all.)
Try This Instead

In all of the above examples, the speaker quickly went from a simple problem to solve into all-or-nothing thinking and intense emotions. We refer to these emotions as unmanaged emotions, because they don’t get the person what the person really wants: respect, peace and quiet, a happy relationship, or whatever they were looking for. Now they have a bigger problem to solve and probably feel helpless or victimized, and distracted. Remember what the brain researcher said above: You can’t pay attention to the outside world when you’re busy reacting. So how can you manage your emotions in situations like this?

1. Regularly remind yourself to keep the conflict small. Ask yourself:

“Is this really a big deal?”

“Can this problem be solved by making a proposal?”

“What is the smallest issue here? Let’s start by solving that.”

“What are my choices here? I always have choices.”

2. Regularly give yourself encouraging statements. This will help you feel less defensive and less likely to over-react to other people’s behavior or emotions:

“It’s not about me!”

“I’m doing fine! I don’t have to prove anything here.”

“I can take a break!”

“I can handle this. No reason to lose control.”
Emotions Are Contagious

This all might seem very easy to do while you’re reading this. But actually it’s harder to do when other people aren’t managing their emotions, because emotions are contagious. There seems to be at least two reasons for this impact on our brains.

Amygdala responses: We have two amygdalae in our brains; one in the middle of each hemisphere. The right amygdala quickly reacts to other people’s facial expressions of fear and anger, and instantly starts a fight, flight or freeze response. Apparently the left amygdala responds more to threats in writing. You can see the protective response happening when someone else over-reacts – it’s usually sudden and extreme, and sometimes shocking in an office or in a meeting. But our prefrontal cortex (right behind your forehead) can over-ride the amygdala and say: Relax, it’s not a crisis. And the amygdala quiets down. This comes with practice – lots of practice telling yourself what’s not a crisis. This is a lot of what adolescence is about: figuring out what are real dangers that need fast all-or-nothing action and what are just problems to solve rationally.

Mirror neurons: Apparently we have neurons in our brains that fire when we do something AND when we just watch someone else doing something. Is seems that it’s a short-cut to learning – our brains are constantly getting us ready to do what others are doing. It may be a part of our group survival skills that we’re born with. Better to quickly run or fight or hide when others are doing so, rather than risk getting isolated and not surviving. But these responses can also be over-ridden – once you know about this. (So now you know about this.) But it also takes practice.

With this knowledge, you can be more specific with yourself when reminding yourself to keep the conflict small:

“I don’t have to mirror other people’s emotions.”

“I’m just having an amygdala response. But it’s not a crisis, so I can relax.”

“I have a choice: to react or focus on problem-solving. This is just a problem to solve.”
Get Support and Consultation

Another way to keep the conflict small is to talk to other people and get encouragement for yourself. This way you’ll feel less defensive and less anxious. Also, get their consultation suggestions for how to deal with a conflict and help keep it small. Ask: “Do you think this is a crisis? What do you see as my choices? What do you suggest?” Just talking to someone else can make a big difference.

You also may be facing a new problem you’ve never faced before. Don’t feel like you have to deal with it alone and don’t feel ashamed of yourself for being in your situation. Today, the types of problems most of us face have come up for thousands or millions of other people. Family issues, workplace conflicts, divorce disputes are extremely common. Yet it’s easy to see these problems as huge and overwhelming, and become isolated and feel helpless. Remind yourself: “It’s just a problem to solve. I can get consultation and suggestions from someone else. I don’t have to deal with this alone.”

Tune Out Extreme Media

Much of today’s media repeatedly shows dramatic images of people losing control over ordinary problems: from sitcoms to movies to the evening news. They compete to grab your attention with more and more extreme behavior, to get viewers and “market share” in the highly competitive world of modern media. But remember mirror neurons. We are absorbing this extreme loss-of-control behavior we observe, even when we aren’t thinking about it. Use your prefrontal cortex and remind yourself: These aren’t crises; they’re entertainment designed to grab my amygdala and mirror neurons. I can tune this out. It’s up to me what I think and feel.

Conclusion

Modern life has made us more aware of problems around the world, and exposes us constantly to other people’s over-reactions to problems. However, we can keep the conflict small, by what we tell ourselves and by understanding that we have control over our emotions to a great extent – especially if we practice encouraging statements and getting support. We’re not alone with these problems – at home or at work. We can handle them and get help when we need it. We can “Keep the conflict small!”

Bill Eddy is a mediator, lawyer, therapist and the President of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego. High Conflict Institute provides consultation for high-conflict situations, coaching for BIFF Responses (written responses that are Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm), and training for professionals in managing high conflict disputes in legal, workplace, healthcare and educational settings. He is also co-author with L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW, of the Axiom Award-Winning new book: It’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People. For books, videos for anyone, free articles or to schedule a training: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
________________________________________
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Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

ANGER ASSESSMENT EVALUATIONS

 

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: http://www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

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#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider

The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

Atlanta Couples ( Marriage & Relationship ) Conflict Management

Conflict Management Training consists of face-to-face training in private sessions with the couple or start with indvidual.

Couple Conflict Management and possible Conflict Resolution is for couples in toxic relationship patterns where you want your relationship to work but things are either stalled and going no where or directly to the relationship ending.

Use when traditional counseling hasn’t worked. Or one of the partners is not big on counseling.

Call Richard at 678-576-1913

What’s different?

1.) This is Education Based Training and Discussion in a controlled environment with Facilitator (Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF) trained in Anger/Stress/Conflict Management. You receive hand-out teaching points with ACTION PLAN for each session.

2.) It is brief in nature. Usually 3-6 Sessions. You choose when things are better and you feel you no longer need to come since things are back to a better way of living.

3.) Couples need not “beat each other up” in the sessions.

4.) Can be started with couple or only one person attending.

5.) Same price for couple or single.

6.) WORKS! If both people are willing to address and own their own flaws and change themselves, resolution happens.

NOTE: Many couples continue with their current Marriage Counselor and that is encouraged. This is not counseling. This is re-education of learned behaviors that are toxic.

You will learn to identify and modify your attitudes and behaviors to return to a more loving healthy interpersonal relationship.

Question: Does present day life seem like a burden and just getting through another day takes a lot of effort? Criticism and hurt is the ever present pattern of interactions between partners?

Any of these currently at work in your relationship?

–>Criticism –> Defensiveness  –> Contempt  –> Withdrawal

–>Days pass with no happiness and joy

–>Harsh words exchanged daily

–>Name Calling and Blaming a way of life

–>Life’s Passion is gone, just existing is our daily duty

–>Stuck. Destructive patterns exchanged frequently

–>At least one partner never forgets anything and continually revisits them.

–>You hear yourself say: “Our relationship is messed up!”

–>”Oh x#%!, Here we go again!”

Better get help fast. These are known to kill any relationship.

Call Richard at 678-576-1913

COUPLE SESSION | ACCELERATED ONE DAY WORKSHOP

Couples Conflict Management will be scheduled on a case by case basis by appointment.

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF of Atlanta Anger Management offers Couple Conflict Management Sessions or Accelerated Workshop. They encompass a practical approach to providing a positive way of developing a healthier personality and reducing toxic anger within the relationship to help you get back on track and over the hurdle of hurt, resentment, and withdrawal.

People are waking up to the fact: “where ever you go, there you are.” Changing partners most often is not the answer. You will bring the same relationship patterns to the next relationship and find yourself in similar circumstances.

Participants find out quickly that what we teach really works. It helps them become more aware of their emotions, communication style, conflict, stress and anger issues and empathy they have or lack.

The couple can then begin the work of learning skills to address these issues.

Assertion is a powerful communication skill that helps people verbalize more effectively, with a calm tone that is more honest, and more appropriate to the situation. It is more effective than aggressive communicating or passive aggressive or passive communicating styles.

Assertive Training is taught to state unmet needs and communicate in ways that significantly reduce the angry feeling. Often our extremely effective anger management principles are embraced to support the process.

Stress: It is very important to manage stress in order to control conflict. Stress is usually the trigger for conflict/anger.

Empathy: the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes and be able to be with and understand another person’s emotions is also a key component in controlling conflict.

We take a look at Passive and Aggressive Anger that might be at work in the relationship.

We help clients understand what conflict really is and give them the tools to start to manage their conflict/stress to lead more productive lives with a better relationship that enriches their life and often their children’s lives.

Conflict Management Training consists of face-to-face training in private sessions with the couple.

If Wanted: Certificate of Completion will be awarded on the last day to those completing ALL sessions and payment in full.

If Court Ordered: The participant can then give the Certificate of Completion to the Court or Probation Officer.

Conflict Management will be scheduled on a case by case basis by appointment.

THE PROCESS

Over time our Couples (Marriage – Relationship) Conflict Management has evolved. Most often one person presents themselves as ” The Angry One In The Relationship”. A lot of the time volunteering as they desperately want to save the relationship. Other times “forced” to come by their partner.

In either case we have a First Intake Meeting and establish an Action Plan and offer specific immediate tools to start the change process. Small changes by one partner can be huge as it then offers noticeable difference to the partner. This in turn helps them to shift their reaction. Hope is reinforced and also a vision that things can and will improve.

Repeat…this is not counseling. Therefore hours of delving into root causes is not needed. The “Blame Game” is not needed.

After a few individual sessions most often it is time to meet with the partner for them to check in and have their side presented.

Interactions, progress, stalls, what is happening, successes, then leads us to the next step. Often both partners come for some lively interactions for further goal development, further Action Plans and many times Behavior or Language Contracts to halt destructive interactions.

The Couples know when it is time to stop coming as Conflict has eased and they have the tools to continue to improve and re-establish prior happy times.

The myth says it takes 3 weeks to change a behavior into a habit. Other research finds it is about 66 days. So it suggested to give the relationship a better chance to keep things on track that you commit to 4-8 sessions.

ATLANTA ANGER MANAGMENT
No sofas…
This is a Coaching Therapy Session
not Psychotherapy.

COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SESSIONS
Non Refundable

Call Richard at 678-576-1913 or e-mail to discuss your needs and schedule an appointment. No Drop ins. Please check in to discuss your needs.

  INVEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

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COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

OPTION 1: 60 Minute Session

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COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

OPTION 2 – Fast Track – First Meeting

Choose Longer Session to Accomplish more and have Action Plan to do before next session.

Both Partners Arrive to Work On Issues.

Sessions: Choose: 90 minutes | 120 Minutes | 3 Hours (180 Minutes)

After first session couples can choose the 60 Minute Session thereafter..

 Call Richard at 678-576-1913

COUPLES CONFLICT BLOG ARTICLE

When does this NOT work? When couples remain in

–>Blame Game

–>Criticism

–> Defensiveness

 –> Contempt  

–> Withdrawal

Behavior Changes: It suggested to give the relationship a better chance to keep things on track that you commit to 4-8 sessions.

Call Richard at 678-576-1913 or e-mail to discuss your needs and schedule an appointment. No Drop ins.

Non Refundable

Follow Up Consult Available When Needed.

We can also Use Facebook Messenger Video Chat, (compatible I phone to my Android phone) Skype or ICQ.

Question?

Is your relationship worth saving for less than the cost of a HDTV?

Is gaining life skills in Anger Management, Stress Management, Improved Communications, Emotional Intelligence and Changing one’s perception of the world that directly affects your relationships that will last a life time worth it?

How much does separation or divorce really costs? Google it.

Money cost… emotional cost… physical cost, mental cost, spiritual cost?

Change can be hard. But if you want to save your relationship, personal growth is required. Most often one person willing to working towards bettering the relationship will affect the partner and a shift occurs bringing them around to wanting to participate.

Use Couples Conflict Management and possible Conflict Resolution of the relevant issues.

We accept Visa, MasterCard, AMEX, PayPal to book your Session.

We do not accept checks. No Money Orders.

To cancel your appointment it is expected to give us 24 Hour notice. Shorter notice or no notice results in full billing for lost time. No Exceptions.

Free Parking With No Attendant. 24/7 building and deck security.

Inform receptionist of your arrival to see Richard Taylor.

Nice waiting areas.

Call Richard at 678-576-1913

In Person Sessions:

“DO NOT PASS YOUR ANGER UNTO ME PLEASE.”

                                                         

TESTIMONIALS:

I wanted to thank you. My wife withdrew our divorce papers and was glad to attend my sessions with you and work through some of our differences. I know I have to change to keep her. After almost 30 years of marriage I did not see it was my aggressive communication style and behaviors that overwhelmed her passive nature. Again thank you so much for giving us a plan to as you said it ” create new relationship patterns and renew our friendship and trust”. I am in your debt. – Zach and Courtney

Hi Richard:
Jason checking in. I wanted to thank you for helping me get my wife back! As you remember she had moved out and was staying with her Mom with our child. She said I had to do something about my ongoing life long anger issues or our marriage was over. I found you and used your Private Sessions format and after just two sessions she could see a major difference in me and moved back home. Thank you. We are both amazed and thrilled that we are better able to express our ourselves, argue less, and get to what is bother us without the need for all the drama we used to employ. Your non counseling, non judgmental approach really works. Thanks again for helping me save my marriage and my life! – Jason, and Becky

Mr. T: We tried counseling and for us it didn’t seem to help. We liked our first session with you the 90 minute one and help us clear the air…and your Action Plan gave us some things to focus on…a week was just enough time to see you again for more tips, ways to change what we are doing…we liked you saying…”Doing the same thing is not an option.” Totally. The sun is shining again. Best. -Toy and Johnny

Mr. Taylor: Thanks for helping us learn to communicate better! Things are going better. – D & S

Hi Richard: I wanted to thank you for helping my girlfriend and I save our relationship after we broke up and she moved out of state. After I crossed the line and hit her, you remember that she had to return to Atlanta and the new ways of handling myself were duly noted and she gave me a second chance. We are doing much better now and I hope I can get her to attend a few sessions to adjust some of her behaviors that still “get to me…” Thanks again! You are amazing! – Louis

Hi: Thanks for helping us restore our relationship. – Lynn and Charlie

Richard: We just wanted to let you know that we have seem to turn the corner! We are both starting to “get it” and becoming more aware of our negative relationship patterns that you helped bring to the forefront. The Anger Management Assessment was really worth it and invaluable for us to see the dynamics working in each of us. Your Language Reform Program has also really helped. When we both finally started to fully embrace the principles taught, incredible shifts started happening.

We both feel hope and our personal hurts seem to be dissolving. We will stay in touch and let you know further how it is going! We are both amazed at how fast things are improving! We appreciate your passion and compassion and your nonjudgmental empathy in helping us over the hump/bump that we moved into without much thought. Thank you. Thank you. – Jennifer and Tom

            Thanks for helping me stop raging. We are groovin now again…- Alejandro  

Richard: Wow! Last week we met with you for 3 hours for a wild Couples Conflict Management session, after Gene met with you a few times. I wanted you to know that you helped us open our eyes to see some of the dynamics in our relationship like wow for the first time. Neither of us are big on therapy, so finding you was exciting. Positive things are happening. Our on going hurt produced by criticism, sarcasm, defensiveness and withdrawal seems to be dissolving. We are no longer attacking each other all the time. (Not allowed – We used your Behavior Change Contract!) We are excited to see you again for further progress and Action Plans. – Bee and Gene

Hi: Rusty and I wanted to thank you for helping us through our separation and helping us get back together again. Living apart was needed but sucked. We had no way to get back to each other, too much hurt and anger, frustration, disappointment. We are very thankful for your gifts on compassion, direction, insights, proddings, contracts, more…and Action Plan that gave us a path to walk that was doable with results. We are together and happy again! You are the greatest. – Betsy and Rusty

Richard: You are awesome. We are happy again! Amazing it only took six weeks not two years! Your program is definitely the way to go. Thanks for your support. – Brit and Joseph

Thanks for your insights and coping skills to help us get over the rocky patch in our thing. Abayomi & Joost

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” — Alan Cohen

NOTICE:
Terms, Costs, Services Offered May Change
Without Notice.
Once You Sign Up & Enroll, Everything Remains
The Same As Outlined.

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55 Inspiring Quotes On Emotional Intelligence

Call Richard Taylor 678-576-1913

Here’s some inspiration in case you missed it….By Gordon Tredgold

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

55 Inspiring Quotes That Show the Importance of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a major factor in our success.

BY GORDON TREDGOLD
Founder and CEO, Leadership Principles@gordontredgold

Emotional intelligence can be the most potent weapon in our armory. It helps boost our self-awareness, self-control, motivation, empathy, and social skills, relationship management, all of which help us become much better leaders.

Here are 55 quotes to remind us of the power and importance of emotional intelligence and why we should focus on developing it further.

 

1. If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far. -Daniel Goleman
2. 75 percent of careers are derailed for reasons related to emotional competencies, including inability to handle interpersonal problems; unsatisfactory team leadership during times of difficulty or conflict; or inability to adapt to change or elicit trust.  -Center for Creative Leadership
3. When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion. -Dale Carnegie
4. When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves. -Jess C. Scott
5. The only way to change someone’s mind is to connect with them from the heart.
   -Rasheed Ogunlaru
6. No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.
   -Theodore Roosevelt
7. Unleash in the right time and place before you explode at the wrong time and place. -Oli Anderson
8. The greatest ability in business is to get along with others and influence their actions. -John Hancock
9. In a high-IQ job pool, soft skills like discipline, drive, and empathy mark those who emerge as outstanding. -Daniel Goleman
10. Any person capable of angering you becomes your master. -Epictetus
11. Anyone can be angry–that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way–that is not easy. -Aristotle
12. Every time we allow someone to move us with anger, we teach them to be angry.  -Barry Neil Kaufman
13. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. -Leo Buscaglia
14. Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way. -Mavis Mazhura
15. Experience is not what happens to you–it’s how you interpret what happens to you. -Aldous Huxley
16. Running a marathon with a backpack is tough and may hinder you from winning the race. Don’t let the baggage from your past–heavy with fear, guilt, and anger–slow you down.  -Maddy Malhotra
17. Our feelings are not there to be cast out or conquered. They’re there to be engaged and expressed with imagination and intelligence. -T.K. Coleman
18. When you make people angry, they act in accordance with their baser instincts, often violently and irrationally. When you inspire people, they act in accordance with their higher instincts, sensibly and rationally. Also, anger is transient, whereas inspiration sometimes has a lifelong effect. -Peace Pilgrim
19. It isn’t stress that makes us fall–it’s how we respond to stressful events.
    -Wayde Goodall
20. Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame. -Benjamin Franklin
21. Emotional intelligence is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of human energy, information, connection, and influence.  -Robert K. Cooper, PhD
22. It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head–it is the unique intersection of both. -David Caruso
23. We define emotional intelligence as the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions. -Salovey and Mayer
24. For news of the heart, ask the face. -West African saying
25. Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it. -Vincent van Gogh
26. Quick to judge, quick to anger, slow to understand … prejudice, fear, and ignorance walk hand in hand. -Peart
27. The essential difference between emotion and reason is that emotion leads to action while reason leads to conclusions. -Donald Calne
28. You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. -Dale Carnegie
29. Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you. -Roger Ebert
30. Change happens in the boiler room of our emotions–so find out how to light their fires. -Jeff Dewar
31. If we lack emotional intelligence, whenever stress rises the human brain switches to autopilot and has an inherent tendency to do more of the same, only harder.  Which, more often than not, is precisely the wrong approach in today’s world.
    -Robert K. Cooper
32. Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business. -Norman Vincent Peale
33. To increase your effectiveness, make your emotions subordinate to your commitments. -Brian Koslow
34. When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. -Stephen R. Covey
35. Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution. -Kahlil Gibran
36. Remember that failure is an event, not a person. -Zig Ziglar
37. We are at our most powerful the moment we no longer need to be powerful. -Eric Micha’el Leventhal
38. I’m a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will. -Antonio Gramsci
39. It takes something more than intelligence to act intelligently. -Fyodor Dostoyevsky
40. A leader is a dealer in hope. -Napoleon Bonaparte
41. When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen. -Ernest Hemingway
42. Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone … just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had. -F. Scott Fitzgerald
43. Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion, and empathy. -Dean Koontz
44. He’d always known that shit rolled downhill, but he never knew tears did the same thing. -Amy Lane
45. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. -C.G. Jung
46. Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.  -Janis Joplin
47. Wisdom tends to grow in proportion to one’s awareness of one’s ignorance.
    -Anthony de Mello
48. The way to do is to be. -Lao Tzu
49. The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
    -Carl R. Rogers
50. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. -Socrates
51. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, do we have the right to laugh at others? -C.H. Hamel
52. Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others. -Jack Welch
53. In my 35 years in business, I have always trusted my emotions. I have always believed that by touching emotion you get the best people to work with you, the best clients to inspire you, the best partners and most devoted customers.
    -Kevin Roberts
54. One way to boost our willpower and focus is to manage our distractions instead of letting them manage us. -Daniel Goleman
55. Emotional intelligence is a way of recognizing, understanding, and choosing how we think, feel, and act. It shapes our interactions with others and our understanding of ourselves. It defines how and what we learn; it allows us to set priorities; it determines the majority of our daily actions. Research suggests it is responsible for as much as 80 percent of the “success” in our lives. -J. Freedman

The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

PUBLISHED ON: AUG 4, 2016

Source: http://www.inc.com/gordon-tredgold/55-inspiring-quotes-that-show-the-importance-of-emotional-intelligence.html

 

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20 Best Emotional Intelligence Books

The 20 Best Emotional Intelligence Books to Read Before You Turn 30

Are you an entrepreneur? CEO? Parent? Project manager? Manage an HR function? There’s a gold nugget for everyone here.

BY MARCEL SCHWANTES

Principal and founder, Leadership From the Core@MarcelSchwantes

 In my twenties — well before founding a company and writing about servant leadership — my library was mostly composed of books about sports, science-fiction, and whatever young, self-centered men were reading in the nineties.

Personal improvement and leadership development were not blips on my radar screen before hitting thirty. I was too busy chasing skirts and mastering the social scene.

As you may have guessed, that led me down the boulevard of broken relationships (including one divorce), critical errors in judgment, and a few horrendous career moves.

Reinventing myself into my thirties, I discovered the need for emotional intelligence and raising my emotional quotient (EQ) to make positive choices in life. Looking back at my wasted twenties,  I would have begged for a library like the one below.

Now, many of these books are lifelines that have kept me on top of my game as I navigate the entrepreneurial space and juggle a happy marriage and parenting. While not an exhaustive list, it covers what I would consider the best, most popular, and most influential books on emotional intelligence.

Before you hit 30, hit these up!

 

1. Working With Emotional Intelligence: Daniel Goleman packs this one with fascinating case histories of triumphs, disasters, and dramatic turnarounds from more than 500 organizations around the world. Quite possibly his best work.

Emotional Intelligence 2.0

2. Emotional Intelligence 2.0: Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves deliver a step-by-step program for increasing your EQ. It includes an online assessment to give you a baseline of your current EQ status. A great starter on EQ

3. Coaching for Emotional Intelligence: The Secret to Developing the Star Potential in Your Employees: This book provides a carefully planned strategy to help managers address the issues that make coaching for EI more challenging than coaching for performance alone.

4. The EQ Edge: Authors Steven Stein and Howard Book offer fascinating-and sometimes surprising-insights into what it takes to be a top law-enforcement officer, lawyer, school principal, student, doctor, dentist or CEO. You will learn what the top EQ factors are across many different kinds of jobs, from business managers and customer service representatives to HR professionals and public servants.

5. Go Suck a Lemon: Strategies for Improving your Emotional Intelligence:Michael Cornwall has a somewhat no-holds barred approach to writing, but its meant to really stop you on your tracks and self-assess whether you’re truly emotionally intelligent. Very reality-based with clear examples.

6. The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights: Goleman brings his easy to understand writing style to bear on more recent (2011) neurological research on emotional intelligence.

7. Primal Leadership: The bottom line of Primal Leadership is that one of the most important tasks of a leader is to create good feelings in the people they lead. They do this by maintaining those same positive feelings in themselves. In addition they have to create change, sustain change, and build an EI competent organization.

8. The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success:  In this book, you’ll learn find new ways to help build stronger relationships, get ahead at work, feel more confident, and even be a better leader.

9. The EQ Difference: A Powerful Plan for Putting Emotional Intelligence to Work: The author showcases the profound effect emotions can have on all aspects of work life, from performance to coworker relationships, and discusses ways that anyone can start improving their interpersonal relationships with simple changes in thought and action.

10. The Language of Emotional Intelligence: The Five Essential Tools for Building Powerful and Effective Relationships: An excellent resource on using EQ to build better relationships with just about everyone in your life, from employees to your family. Jeanne Segal shows you how to use five basic tools of EQ to enhance  communication, reading non-verbal cues, and diffusing conflicts before they get out of hand.

11. The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book: Similar to their Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves help readers to assess their own EQ, learn more about what EQ means, and get advice on developing their EQ at work, home, and for personal well-being.

12. The New Psycho-Cybernetics: This is an updated version of the influential book that Maxwell Maltz published in 1960. The theory of psycho-cybernetics examines the process of controlling thoughts and emotions. This book will teach you how to transform them from negative to positive.

13. Building Emotional Intelligence: Written for parents, it’s important to help your children develop the foundations of EQ at an early age and author Linda Lantieri shows you how. Also useful for adults interested in boosting their EQ.

14. Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ: First published in 1995, Daniel Goleman, the patriarch of EQ, offers extensive research and his own personal experience examining why EQ is so important to our success and happiness.  His ultimate message is for us to take care to nurture our children so that they will have a healthy emotional base as they grow.

15. 105 Tips For Creating An Emotionally Intelligent Organization: More Success By Focusing On Work Attitude And Motivation: Each of the authors works as trainer, consultant or coach and walks you through steps to create more emotional intelligent workplaces. Great for people in human resources management as it covers recruiting, training, coaching, managing, building teams, handling conflicts, retention, and even outplacement.

16. How to Raise a Child with a High EQ: A Parents’ Guide to Emotional Intelligence: Filled with games, checklists and practical parenting techniques, this book will help your child to cope with — and overcome — the emotional stress of modern times and the normal problems of growing up.

17. The EQ Interview: Finding Employees with High Emotional Intelligence: The EQ Interview gives readers the skills and understanding they need to assess candidates’ emotional intelligence and ensure that they’re the right fit for the job. The book then arms interviewers with more than 250 behavior-based questions specially formulated to help determine how applicants have used their EQ in past experiences.

18. Quick Emotional Intelligence Activities for Busy Managers: 50 Team Exercises That Get Results in Just 15 Minutes: This simple, easy-to-use book gives managers, supervisors, and team leaders activities to help their teams overcome emotional obstacles and become more effective. Readers will find powerful, proven exercises they can use to help their employees.

19. Building Emotional Intelligence: Techniques to Cultivate Inner Strength in Children: Pioneering educator Linda Lantieri and Daniel Goleman help children respond to and rebound from the challenges unique to the 21st century through a breakthrough, step-by-step guide that teaches children how to quiet their minds, calm their bodies, and manage their emotions more skillfully.

20. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers: The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding Results:  Readers will learn how to: Set the tone and direction for the project, communicate more effectively, improve listening skills, create a positive work environment, motivate, coach, and mentor team members. Complete with checklists and self-assessments, this handy guide enables project managers to apply these important skills to their projects right away.

Want to add your entry to the list? Reply in the comments.

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The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

PUBLISHED ON: JUL 14, 2016

Source: http://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/the-20-best-emotional-intelligence-books-to-read-before-you-turn-30.html

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Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
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Office Phone: 678-576-1913
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We are only half awake. GRIT

White Paper Article below excerpts to allow you to investigate and learn more
about the Personality Trait of GRIT.

Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. Our fires are damped, our drafts are checked. We are making use of only a small part of our possible mental resources. . . men the world over possess amounts of resource, which only exceptional individuals push to their extremes of use.
(William James, 1907, pp. 322–323)

We define grit as perseverance and passion for long-term goals.
Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining
effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity, and plateaus
in progress. The gritty individual approaches achievement as
a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina. Whereas disappointment
or boredom signals to others that it is time to change
trajectory and cut losses, the gritty individual stays the course.

Take Angela Duckworth’s
THE GRIT SCALE INVENTORY

What did you score?

In a qualitative study of the development of world-class pianists,

neurologists, swimmers, chess players, mathematicians, and sculp-

tors, Bloom (1985) noted that “only a few of [the 120 talented

individuals in the sample] were regarded as prodigies by teachers,

parents, or experts” (p. 533). Rather, accomplished individuals

worked day after day, for at least 10 or 15 years, to reach the top

of their fields. Bloom observed that in every studied field, the

general qualities possessed by high achievers included a strong

interest in the particular field, a desire to reach “a high level of

attainment” in that field, and a “willingness to put in great amounts

of time and effort” (p. 544). Similarly, in her study of prodigies

who later made significant contributions to their field, Winner

(1996) concluded, “Creators must be able to persist in the face of

difficulty and overcome the many obstacles in the way of creative

discovery

….

Drive and energy in childhood are more predictive

of success, if not creativity, than is IQ or some other more

domain-specific ability” (p. 293).

The qualitative insights of Winner (1996), Bloom (1985), and

Galton (1892), coupled with evidence gathered by the current

investigation and its forerunners, suggest that, in every field, grit

may be as essential as talent to high accomplishment. If

substantiated, this conclusion has several practical implications:

First, children who demonstrate exceptional commitment to a particular

goal should be supported with as many resources as those identi-

fied as “gifted and talented.” Second, as educators and parents, we

should encourage children to work not only with intensity but also

with stamina. In particular, we should prepare youth to anticipate

failures and misfortunes and point out that excellence in any

discipline requires years and years of time on task. Finally, liberal

arts universities that encourage undergraduates to sample broadly

should recognize the ineluctable trade-off between breadth and

depth. To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin, the goal of an education

is not just to learn a little about a lot but also a lot about a little.

PDF: Grit-JPSP

Angela Duckworth

Angela Duckworth is Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and the Founder and Scientific Director of the Character Lab, a nonprofit whose mission is to advance the science and practice of character development. In 2013, Angela was named a MacArthur Fellow in recognition of her research on grit, self-control, and other non-IQ competencies that predict success in life.

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance is her first book.

Take Angela Duckworth’s
THE GRIT SCALE INVENTORY

What did you score?

Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Interview With Dr. Travis Bradberry

University of California Television (UCTV)
Recorded on 03/24/2016. Series: “The Career Channel” [5/2016] [Business]
[Show ID: 30697]

Emotional Intelligence Vs. Intelligence Quotient

Emotional Intelligence for the masses dates back to Emotional Intelligence book by Daniel Goleman research (1995), based on the work of Dr. John Mayer, Dr. Peter Salovey, and Dr. David Caruso.

MSCEIT Emotional Intelligence Test

Daniel Goleman, PhD

Twenty-one years later, the research points to emotional intelligence as the critical factor that boosts star performers above other co-workers.

Emotional intelligence affects:

• How we manage what we say and do
• Handle social complexities
• Personal decision making for either positive or negative outcomes

 

Emotional intelligence is made up of four core skills that pair up under two primary competencies: personal competence and social competence.

Personal Competence is made up of your self-awareness and self-management skills.

Personal competence is your ability to stay aware of your emotions and manage your behavior and tendencies.

 

• Self-Awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your emotions and stay aware of them as they happen.
• Self-Management is your ability to use awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and positively direct your behavior.

Social Competence is made up of your social awareness and relationship management skills.

Social competence is your ability to understand other people’s moods, behavior, and motives in order to improve the quality of your relationships.

• Social Awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on.
• Relationship Management is your ability to use awareness of your emotions and the others’ emotions to manage interactions successfully.

 

 

Emotional Intelligence 2.0

Click Link Below To Read / Buy on Amazon.

https://read.amazon.com/kp/card?asin=B002U3CBUW&asin=B002U3CBUW&preview=inline&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_Nqkwxb1VHWDST&tag=atlaangemana-20

 

 

Dr Travis Bradberry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Doctor Suspended After Video Shows Her Allegedly Attacking Uber Driver

Video Shows Miami Doctor Allegedly Attacking Uber Driver

 

Published on Jan 22, 2016

A Florida doctor was allegedly caught on camera physically and verbally attacking an Uber driver in Miami. Dr. Anjali Ramkissoon apparently jumped into the Uber car ahead of another passenger. In the video, Ramkissoon can be seen trying to hit the driver and apparently knees him in the groin. He pushes her and she falls to the ground. She gets right up and climbs in the car, screaming at the driver to get back in. Ramkissoon, who specializes in headaches, has been put on administrative leave.

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