How Insecurity Leads to Envy, Jealousy, and Shame

Envy, Jealousy, Insecurity, and Shame
have been coming up frequently in Private Sessions.

Good article to reflect on and implement it’s suggestions. – Richard Taylor

How Insecurity Leads to Envy, Jealousy, and Shame

Envy, jealousy, and shame are inextricably intertwined. Envy and jealousy are primal emotions that frequently overlap. They’re commonly first felt in the form of sibling rivalry and Oedipal longings. A child innately wants mommy and daddy all to him — or herself and feels “excluded” from the marital bond, especially if there have been parenting deficits that have led to shame and emotional abandonment.

Typically, young children of heterosexual parents see their same-sex parent as a rival for their opposite parent’s love. They feel both envious and jealous of their same-sex parent. Similarly, an interloper in a marriage may feel both jealous and envious toward the spouse he or she wishes to replace, possibly re-enacting childhood feelings toward his or her parents.

Children are frequently envious and jealous of the attention showered on a newborn sibling. Belief that a sibling is favored can create lifelong feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Envy

Envy is a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to someone ‘s advantages, possessions, or traits such as beauty, success, or talent. It’s also a common defense to shame, when we feel less than another in some respect. When the defense is working, we’re not aware of feeling inadequate. We may even feel superior and disparage the person we envy. A malignant narcissist might go so far as to sabotage, misappropriate, or defame the envied person, all the while unconscious of feeling inferior. Arrogance and aggression serve as defenses along with envy. Generally, the degree of our devaluation or aggression is commensurate with the extent of underlying shame.

Bill was chronically resentful and envious of his brother’s financial success, but because of unconscious shame, he spent or gave away his money. He was on the road to homelessness to fulfill his father’s shaming curse that he was a failure and would end up on the street.

I may envy my friend Barbara’s new Mercedes, knowing I can’t afford it, and feel inferior to her. I might have the funds, but feel conflicted about buying it, because I feel undeserving of owning it. Or, I might emulate Barbara and take steps to acquire a Mercedes. However, if envy motivated me to copy her, and I ignored my values or true desires, I won’t derive any pleasure from my efforts. In contrast, I can think about my needs, desires, and how to fulfill them. I may be happy for Barbara, or my envy may be fleeting. I might realize that I have competing values or desires and that what suits her isn’t right for me. These are all healthy responses.

Jealousy

Jealousy also stems from feelings of inadequacy, though they are usually more conscious than with envy. However, whereas envy is the desire to possess what someone else has, jealousy is the fear of losing what we have. We feel vulnerable to losing the attention or feelings of someone close to us. It is defined as mental uneasiness due to suspicion or fear of rivalry or unfaithfulness and may include envy when our rival has aspects that we desire. By discouraging infidelity, jealousy historically has served to maintain the species, certainty of paternity, and the integrity of the family. But it can be a destructive force in relationships — even lethal. Jealousy is the leading cause of spousal homicides.

Margot’s deep-seated belief that she was inadequate and undeserving of love motivated her to seek male attention and at times intentionally act in ways to make her boyfriend jealous and more eager. Her insecurity also made her jealous. She imagined that he desired other women more than her, when that wasn’t the case. Her beliefs reflect toxic or internalized shame common among codependents. It’s caused by the emotional abandonment in childhood and leads to problems in intimate relationships. (See What is Emotional Abandonment.) Studies show that insecure individuals are more prone to jealousy.

Jill had healthy self-esteem. When her boyfriend lunches with his female friend and work colleagues, she isn’t jealous because she’s secure in their relationship and her own lovability. If he had an affair, she would have feelings about his betrayal of trust, but not necessarily jealously, because she doesn’t hold the belief that his behavior reflects a deficiency in her.

Shame

Whether we’re in the position of have or have-not, essentially, both envy and jealousy involve comparisons that reflect a feeling of insufficiency — “I’m inferior to X who has what I want,” or “I’m inferior to X who may diminish (or is diminishing) my importance to someone.” Feeling “not enough” is the common thread. Comparisons are a red flag for underlying shame. The greater is the intensity or chronicity of these feelings, the greater shame.

Thus, codependents take rejection hard, because of low self-esteem, toxic shame, and history of emotional abandonment. (See my post about breakups.) Typically, shame leads to attacking oneself or another. While some people blame themselves when rejected, others think, “He or she wasn’t really worthy of my love anyway.”

We may also behave in ways that drive our partner to leave, because it validates a belief that we’re unworthy of love. It may be a variation of “I’ll give you a reason to leave” or, “I’ll leave before I’m left.” Either way, it’s a defensive move to prevent getting too attached. It gives us a sense of control over the anticipated inevitable abandonment that would hurt even more. (See breaking the cycle of abandonment.)

Safety in Numbers

Envy and jealousy should be examined in the broader context of a relationship among the three actors — even if one is imaginary, such as in Margot’s case. Each person plays a role that serves a function. It’s more stable and less emotionally intense than a dyad.

A third person in a close relationship can mediate unresolved intimacy issues by siphoning off some of the couple’s intensity and help maintain the primary relationship. To do this, parents often “triangulate” a child into the role of identified problem child or surrogate spouse, which mediates problems in the marriage. The latter case foments Oedipal desires in the child that can cause dysfunction in later adult relationships.

A paramour can provide an ambivalent spouse a sense of independence that allows him or her to stay in the marital relationship. The spouse may feel torn between two loves, but at least he doesn’t feel trapped or that he or she is losing him or herself in the marriage. Intimacy lacking in the marriage can be made up for in the affair, but the marital problems don’t get addressed.

Once an affair is exposed, the homeostasis in the marriage is disrupted. Remorse doesn’t necessarily solve the underlying intimacy and autonomy problems. Sometimes, when jealousy subsides, new conflicts arise to recreate distance between the partners. When individual autonomy and intimacy are established within the couple, the relationship is stronger, and interest in the third person generally evaporates. If infidelity leads to divorce, frequently the removal of the rival spouse, who mediated the affair, gives rise to new conflicts in the once-illicit relationship that result in its eventual demise.

The unfaithful spouse’s continued contact with his or her ex may simultaneously dilute yet allow the relationship with the new partner to survive. The drama of it all also adds an element of excitement, that while stressful, alleviates depression typical of codependency.

Do’s and Don’ts

The best insurance against jealousy and envy are to increase your self-esteem. For jealousy, improve the intimacy in your relationship. If you’re suspicious of your mate, journal about any times in prior relationships (including same-sex and family relationships) when you were betrayed or rejected. If you’re still concerned, tell your partner the behavior that bothers you with an open mind in a non-accusatory manner. Share your feelings of insecurity, rather than judging him or her. Respect your partner’s privacy and freedom. Don’t try to control or cross-examine your partner, or sneak into his or her email or phone, which creates new problems and can make your partner distrust you.

This post was inspired by an insightful article:

Stenner, P. (2013). Foundation by Exclusion: Jealousy and Envy. In Bernhard Malkmus and Ian Cooper (Eds.), Dialectic and Paradox: configurations of the third in modernity. Oxford: Lang 53-79.

See also Buss, D.M. (2000). The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex. Free Press.

©Darlene Lancer 2015

Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/envy-jealousy-and-shame/

Thank you Darlene Lancer.
_________________________________________

Owner/Director Richard L Taylor, BS CART, CAME
Certified Anger Resolution Therapist™
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HOW TO BE KIND

Three Parts:Developing a Kinder Perspective Developing Kind Qualities Taking Action Community  Q&A

Being kind is a vital way of bringing meaning to our own lives as well as the lives of others. Being kind allows us to communicate better, be more compassionate, and also to be a positive force in people’s lives. Kindness has its true source deep within you, and while some people are innately kind, it’s something that everyone can cultivate by choice.

Part 1

Developing a Kinder Perspective

1. Care for others genuinely. At its most basic, kindness is about caring genuinely for others around you, wanting the best for them, and recognizing in them the same wants, needs, aspirations, and even fears that you have too. Kindness is warm, resilient, patient, trusting, loyal, and grateful.^[1] Piero Ferrucci sees kindness as being about “making less effort” because it frees us from getting knotted up in negative attitudes and feelings such as resentment, jealousy, suspicion, and manipulation.^[2] Ultimately, kindness is deep caring for all beings.
   • Practice kindness and generosity toward others. Being out of practice, being shy, or not knowing how to reach out to others can only be overcome in the doing, by continually trying until it becomes a natural impulse to be kind and giving to others.
   • Ask for nothing in return. The greatest kindness expects nothing, comes with no strings attached, and places no conditions on anything done or said.

 

1. Don’t be kind for the sake of getting what you want. Beware of deluded kindness. Kindness is not about “self-interested politeness, calculated generosity, superficial etiquette”.^[3] Simply being nice to other people because you believe that this will manipulate them into giving you what you want in life, or as a means of controlling them, is not kindness. Nor is kindness about pretending to care for someone all the while repressing anger or contempt; hiding our rage or frustration behind false pleasantries is not kindness.
   • Finally, being a people pleaser is not kindness; that’s simply behavior designed to give in and not rock the boat because you’re afraid that taking a step forward will sink the ship.

 

1. Be kind to yourself. Many people make the error of trying to be kind to others while at the same time not focusing on being kind to themselves. Some of this can stem from not liking aspects of yourself, but more often than not, it’s sourced in the inability to know yourself better. And unfortunately, when you don’t feel rock solid within yourself, your kindness to others risks falling into the deluded types of kindness described in the previous step. Or, it can lead to burn-out and disillusionment because you’ve put everyone else first.
   • Self-knowledge allows you to see what causes you pain and conflict, and enables you to embrace your contradictions and inconsistencies. It allows the space to work on things about yourself that you’re not happy with. In turn, self-knowledge helps to prevent you from projecting your negative aspects onto other people, thereby empowering you to treat other people with love and kindness.^[4].
   • Take time to become more self-aware and use this learning to be kinder to both yourself (remembering that we all have weaknesses) and to others. In this way, your inner angst is being dealt with rather than fueling your need to project the hurt and pain.
   • Avoid viewing time taken to become more aware of your own needs and limits as an act of selfishness; far from it, it is a vital pre-condition to being able to reach out to other people with great strength and awareness.
   • Ask yourself what you think it means to be kinder to yourself. For many people, being kinder to themselves includes monitoring the chatter in your thoughts and stopping your negative thinking.

 

1. Learn kindness from others. Think about the truly kind people in your life and how they make you feel. Do you carry their warm glow around in your heart every time you think of them? It is likely that you do because kindness lingers, warming you even when the hardest challenges face you. When other people find a way to love you for who you are, it’s impossible to forget such trust and confirmation of worthiness, and their kindness lives on forever.
   • Remember how other people’s kindness “makes your day”. What is it about their kindness that makes you feel special and cherished? Are there things that they do that you can replicate from your own heart?

 

1. Cultivate kindness for the good of your own health. Improved psychological health and happiness comes from thinking more positively, and kindness is a positive mental state. While kindness is about giving and being open to others, giving kindness returns a sense of well-being and connection to us that improves our own mental state and health.
   • Although simple, the very ability to be kind is in itself a powerful and consistent reward, a self-esteem booster.^[5]

 

1. Make a habit of focusing on kindness. Leo Babauta says that kindness is a habit and is one that everyone can cultivate. He suggests focusing on kindness every day for a month. At the end of this directed focus, you’ll be aware of profound changes in your life, you’ll feel better about yourself as a person, and you’ll find that people react to you differently, including treating you better. As he says, in the long run, being kind is karma in practice.^[6] Suggestions to help cultivate your kindness include:
   • Do one kind thing for someone every day. Make a conscious decision at the beginning of the day what that kind act will be and make time to do it during the day.
   • Be kind, friendly, and compassionate when you interact with someone, and even more so where that person normally makes you angry, stressed, or bothered. Use kindness as your strength.
   • Build up your small acts of kindness into larger acts of compassion. Volunteering for those in need and taking the initiative to relieve suffering are bigger acts of compassion.^[7]
   • Meditate to help spread kindness. Read Practice Loving Kindness Meditation (Metta) for more details.

 

1. Be kind to everyone, not just people “in need”. Expand your circle of kindness. It can be very easy to be kind when we’re unconsciously doing what Stephanie Dowrick terms “patronizing kindness”.^[8] This refers to kindness given to those people we feel are truly in need (the sick, the poor, the vulnerable, and those who align with our own ideals). Being kind to people close to us, emotionally (like family or friends) or in other ways (from the same country, of the same color, gender etc.), is also easier than being kind to those the philosopher Hegel called “the other”. It can be more difficult to be kind to people we may consider our equals, but it will be worth it.
   • The trouble with restricting our kindness to “convenient” cases is that we fail to recognize that we need to be kind to everyone, no matter who they are, their level of wealth or fortune, their values and beliefs, their behavior and attitudes, their place of origin, their likeness to ourselves, etc.
   • By choosing to be kind only to those we feel are deserving of kindness, we are unleashing our own biases and judgment, and only practicing conditional kindness. Natural kindness encompasses all beings and while the challenges you’ll face when trying to put this broader notion of kindness into practice will sometimes be trying, you’ll never stop learning about the depths of your ability to be truly kind.
   • If you’re neglecting being kind to someone else just because you think they can cope without your support or understanding, then you’re practicing selective kindness.

 

1. Minimize judgment. If you really want to be kind, then you have to kick your judgment to the curb. Instead of spending your time being critical of other people, work on being positive and compassionate. If you tend to think poorly of others, wish other people could step up their game, or feel like the people around you are needy or clueless, then you’ll never learn true kindness. Stop judging people and realize that you’ll never fully understand where they’re coming from unless you walk a day in their shoes. Focus on wanting to help others instead of judging them for not being better than they are.
   • If you’re judgmental, prone to gossip, or just always bad-mouthing the people around you, you’ll never be able to move past your reservations to be kind.
   • Being kind means giving people the benefit of the doubt instead of expecting perfection.

Part 2

Developing Kind Qualities

1. Be compassionate toward others. It’s important to take in the message, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”. Attributed to Plato, this saying is a recognition that everyone is undergoing some challenge or other in their lives and that sometimes, it’s all too easy for us to lose sight of that when embroiled in our own problems or anger against them. Before committing an action that might impact another person negatively, ask yourself a simple question: “Is this kind?”. If you cannot answer this in the affirmative, this is a reminder to change your action and approach immediately.
   • Even where you’re feeling at your very worst, remember that other people are also feeling uncertainty, pain, hardship, sadness, disappointment, and loss. In no way does this belittle your own feelings but it does allow you to realize that people often react from their hurt and pain rather than from their whole self, and kindness is the key to seeing past the raging emotions and connecting with the real person inside.

 

1. Don’t expect perfection. If you have a tendency toward perfectionism, competitiveness, or a driven sense of urgency, self-kindness can often be a victim of your ambition and fast pace, as well as your fear of being seen to be lazy or selfish.^[9] Remember to slow down and to forgive yourself when things don’t work out as wished.
   • Learn from your mistakes rather than beating yourself up over them, or comparing yourself to others.^[10] It is through self-compassionate responses that you can start to see other people’s needs in a compassionate light.
2. Be present. The greatest gift of kindness to another person is to be in the moment in their presence, to be listening with care, and to be genuinely attentive to them. Schedule your day differently, and stop being known as the person who always rushes off. Being present means being available; you can only do this if you’re not rushing or squeezing in people and activities.
   • Ease off the technical means of communicating with others. Impersonal and hurried technical communications like text and email have their place in life, but not as your only means of communicating. Take time to connect with people face-to-face, or via an uninterrupted phone call. Send a letter instead of an email and surprise someone with the kindness of your having taken time out of your day to put pen to paper.

 

1. Be a good listener. The act of listening is easier said than done in our fast-paced world, where rushing and being busy are seen as virtues; where cutting someone off because you’re too busy, or you need to get somewhere in a hurry, is the norm. Making being busy into a habit is no excuse for unkindness, however. When talking to someone, learn to listen with your whole being and sincerely pay attention to them until they’re done revealing their thoughts and story.
   • Truly listening to someone, making eye contact, avoiding all distractions, and giving a person the time of day is one of the greatest acts of kindness. Take the time to truly absorb what the person is saying before responding with a pre-made answer or interrupting. Show the person that you appreciate the unique situation he’s in and that you’re there to lend an ear.
   • Being a good listener doesn’t mean being a great problem solver. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be there to listen, while acknowledging that you don’t know what the person should do.

 

1. Be optimistic. Happiness, joy, and gratitude rest at the heart of kindness, allowing you to see the good in others and the world, enabling you to press through the challenges, despair, and cruelty you witness and experience, continuously restoring your sense of faith in humanity. Maintaining an optimistic attitude ensures that acts of kindness are committed with genuine joy and cheerfulness rather than with reluctance or out of a sense of duty or service. And keeping your sense of humor ensures that you don’t take yourself too seriously and take life’s contradictory and contrary moments with good faith.
   • It’s not always easy to be optimistic, especially when you’ve had a crummy day. But with enough practice, anyone can cultivate optimism by focusing on the positive instead of the negative, thinking ahead to happy things in the future, and living a life that is filled with more joy than sadness. And it doesn’t cost a dollar to look on the brighter side of things, either.
   • Being optimistic and staying positive will not only put you in more of a mindset to be kind, but it will also bring joy to those around you. If you spend much of your time complaining, then it will be more difficult to bring happiness to the people in your orbit.
   • Read How to be happy, How to be funny, and How to be thankful for more information on how to cultivate optimism.

 

1. Be friendly. People who are kind tend to also be friendly. This doesn’t mean they are the most outgoing people in the room, but that they make an effort to get to know new people and to make them feel at home. If there’s someone new at your school or workplace, you can try to talk to that person, explain how things work, and even invite him or her to social events. Even if you’re not outgoing, just smiling and making small talk with people can go a long way in making you friendlier, and this kindness will not go unnoticed.
   • Friendly people are kind because they expect the best from people. They talk to new people and friends alike in an easygoing, reassuring way that makes them feel at home.
   • If you’re naturally shy, you don’t have to change your personality completely. Just make a bit more of an effort to be nice to people by giving them your attention, asking them how they are, and showing an interest in them.

 

1. Be polite. Although being polite is not an indication of kindness in itself, genuine politeness demonstrates your respect for those you’re interacting with. Being polite is the kind way of getting people’s attention and putting your point across. Some simple ways to do this include:
   • Find ways to rephrase your requests or responses to others. For example, say “May I?” instead of “Can I?”; say “I’m surprised” instead of “That’s not fair”; say “Let me explain that another way” instead of saying “That’s not what I said”. Rephrasing your language speaks volumes.
   • Have excellent manners. Hold doors open for people, avoid being overly vulgar in person, and don’t be overly familiar with new people.
   • Make compliments and mean them.
   • Read How to practice courtesy and kindness for more ideas.

 

1. Be grateful. People who are truly kind are easily able to express gratitude. They don’t take anything for granted and always thank people for helping them out. They know how to say “thank you” and really mean it, they write thank-you cards, and they are comfortable with acknowledging when they have been helped. People who are grateful also thank people just because, for things like making their days brighter, instead of only thanking them for completing specific tasks. If you make a habit of being more grateful to the people around you, you’ll see that your capacity for kinds will increase.
   • If you’re more observant of all the nice things other people do for you, then you’ll be more ready to do nice things for others. You’ll be more aware of how good the kindness of others makes you feel and will feel more inclined to spread the love.

Part 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taking Action

1. Love animals and the living world. Loving animals and caring for pets is kindness in action. Nothing compels you to care about beings of another species, especially in a day and age where the tools of human domination are so powerful. And yet, the very act of loving an animal and respecting the animal for its own value is an expression of deep kindness. As well, being kind to the world that sustains and nurtures us is sensible as well as kind, ensuring that we don’t poison the very elements that assure us a healthy life.
   • Adopt or foster a pet. Your kindness will be rewarded by letting another being into your life who will bring you joy and love.
   • Offer to pet-sit for a friend who is going away. Give your friend the reassurance that someone loving and caring will be tending to her pet while she’s away.
   • Respect the species you’re caring for. Humans don’t “own” animals; rather, we stand in a relationship of being responsible for their well-being and care.
   • Take time to restore parts of your local environment with the local community. Go for walks in nature with family, friends, alone, and commune with the world that you’re a part of. Share your love for nature with others, to help reawaken their sense of connection with nature.

 

1. Share. People who are kind are happy to share with others. You can share your favorite sweater, half of your delicious enchilada, or even words of career advice to someone younger than you. The important thing is that you’re sharing something that you actually care about, instead of giving away something you don’t really need. It’s much more meaningful to let your friend borrow your favorite sweater than to give her an old hand-me-down you never wear. Sharing with people will make you more generous and thus, more inclined towards kindness.
   • Keep an eye out for people who would really benefit from some of the things you have. They may not always ask for them, but you can offer them readily before they admit that they need something from you.

 

1. Smile more. Smiling is a simple act of kindness that can go a long way. Make a habit of smiling at strangers, or at your friends or acquaintances. Though you don’t have to walk around with a smile plastered on your face, smiling at people will make them smile back, and will bring even a modicum of joy to their days. What’s more, smiling can actually trick your mind into feeling happier than it previously was. Everybody wins when you smile, and your capacity for kindness will grow in the process.
   • Smiling at people will also make them more comfortable and will make you look more approachable, which is another way of being kind. Being welcoming to others, and even giving strangers the benefit of the doubt by smiling at them, is another way of being kind.

 

1. Take an interest in people. People who are truly kind are genuinely interested in other people. They aren’t kind to them just because they want to get what they want or because they are fishing for a favor. They do it because they genuinely care about how people are doing and want those around them to be happy and healthy. To be more kind, work on developing an interest in other people and show them that you care by being attentive, asking questions, and paying attention to them. Here are some ways to take an interest in people:
   • Ask people how they are and mean it.
   • Ask people about their hobbies, interests, and families.
   • If someone you cared about had a big life event, ask that person how it went.
   • If someone you know has a big exam or interview coming up, wish him or her luck.
   • When you talk to people, make sure they are doing at least about half of the talking. Don’t dominate a conversation and focus more on the other person than yourself.
   • Make eye contact and put away your cell phone when you talk to people. Show that they are your first priority.

 

1. Call up a friend just because. You don’t always need a reason to call up a good friend. Make a goal of calling one friend per week, or even two friends per week, just to catch up and see how that person is doing. Don’t call to make plans or to ask that person something specific; call just because you miss your friend and have been thinking about him or her. Getting in touch with your friends out of the blue will make them feel cared for and will make you feel good; this shows kindness and thoughtfulness.
   • If you’re really short on time, you can start by making a habit of calling up your friends on their birthdays. Don’t be lazy and send a text message or even a Facebook post, but give your friend a phone call from the heart.

 

1. Donate your things. Another way to be kind is to donate some of your belongings to charity. Instead of throwing out your old things or selling them for 50 cents at a garage sale, donate the things you don’t need to a good cause. If you have clothes, books, or other household items that are in good condition, then making a habit of donating these things to charity instead of storing them up or tossing them is a great way to spread your kindness to others.
   • If you have some clothes or books that someone you know would want, then don’t be shy about donating those items to that person. This is another way of being kind.

 

1. Do a random act of kindness. “Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.” These are the words once said by Princess Diana. The practice of random acts of kindness is alive and well as a conscious effort to spread more kindness; there are even groups that have established themselves to perform this essential civic duty! Here are some great random acts of kindness you can do:
   • Shovel a neighbor’s driveway as well as your own.
   • Wash a friend’s car.
   • Put money into an expired meter.
   • Help someone carry a heavy bag.
   • Leave a gift on someone’s doorstep.
   • For more details on practicing random acts of kindness, read How to practice random acts of kindness.

 

1. Transform your life through kindness. Changing how you live and how you view the world might seem daunting. But take a note of Aldous Huxley’s prescription for transforming your life: “People often ask me what is the most effective technique for transforming their life. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say that the best answer is–just be a little kinder.”^[11] Take Huxley’s many years of research to heart and allow kindness to transform your life, to transcend all feelings and actions of aggression, hate, despising, anger, fear, and self-deprecation, and to restore strength worn away by despair.
   • Through being kind, you take a stand by affirming that caring for others, for our environment, for yourself is the right way to live life.^[12] It isn’t about immediate effectiveness; kindness is a lifestyle choice, a constant hum and rhythm accompanying every single thing that you think and do.
   • Through being kind, you let go of the burden of worrying that others have more than you, are less or more deserving than you, or are in a position of superiority or inferiority to you. Instead, kindness assumes everyone is worthy, you included.
   • Through being kind, you recognize that we are all in this together. When you harm another person, you also harm yourself. What you do to support others also supports you.

Community Q&A

• How do I be kind when I am upset, sad, or grumpy?

Recognize your emotional state and find ways to calm yourself: deep breaths, taking some alone time, et cetera. Focus entirely on the other person. If you’re too upset to handle it, say “I’m upset and I can’t be a good listener right now.” Give yourself patience and time, and don’t push things before you’re ready.

 

• How can I be kind to others when I feel empty or don’t care about others?

If you feel this way, you need to start by being kind to yourself first. You’re projecting what you feel deep inside about yourself — empty and without self care. Spend some time caring for your own self and needs first, perhaps getting counseling for unresolved issues that are holding you back from being your best self. When you learn to love yourself and take good care of you, then you’ll find it much easier to be kind to others.

 

• How do you be nice to people when they are always attacking you, physically or emotionally?

Rise above and do your best to remove those people from your life. Dealing with not nice people isn’t always fun or fair, but you will thank yourself for staying true to your kind self.

• How do I remain calm when I feel like someone’s using me?

If you feel like someone is using you, tell them your feelings directly. If they are your friend, they will not be mad at you for sharing your opinion. If you’re having trouble staying calm around this person, you may want to take a break from spending time with them.

 

• Do I have to be kind even when some people never appreciate my kindness?

Being kind for the sake of being kind doesn’t require appreciation in return. If you place a condition on kindness, then it’s not really being kind. There are many reasons why people aren’t instantly or obviously appreciative, including astonishment, exhaustion, slowness to respond, obtuseness, quiet appreciation, etc. Some people are rude but that just means more kindness is needed. It may also help you to understand that it’s more about your karma, not theirs, without being a doormat, of course.

• Am I ever too old to make this change?

No, you’re never too old. Everyone of every age can benefit from being kinder. If you’ve been mean your whole life, it might take people some time to adjust to your change of heart, but it’s worth it!

• Why do we need to learn kindness from others?

It’s not so much about learning kindness as about unlearning all the defensiveness that socializing teaches us. We feel safer being defensive and self/family protective, and this is part of our ancient ancestral understandings that enhance survival. Kindness often forces us to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, to understand where they’re coming from even if we don’t usually think like them. It also requires a spirit of generosity and care for strangers, which can sometimes be difficult when we worry about our own/own family’s needs. Yet, kindness begets kindness, so it is often through seeing others’ kindness that we learn it has beneficial, supportive and caring outcomes that each of us aspires to in the greater scheme of life.

Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Kind

 

CONTACT

Director Richard Taylor BS, CART
Certified Anger Resolution Therapist

COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

BE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT

CERTIFIED EQ-i 2.0 ASSESSMENTS

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

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Keep the Conflict Small!

Keep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)

By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.

© 2015 by Bill Eddy

Whether you’re having an argument with a family member, friend or co-worker, it’s easy nowadays to make little conflicts way too big. All around us are repeated images of people arguing and losing control of their emotions – in emails, on the Internet, in movies and on TV – especially in the news (do you know what so-and-so said about you-know-who?) Not only is this unnecessary, but allowing conflicts to get large can be harmful to important relationships, increase the anxiety of those around us (especially children) and lower one’s status in other people’s eyes.

For example, in a recent article in Parade Magazine about the steps to becoming a successful entrepreneur, the author-expert Linda Rottenberg wrote: “The most important step is to manage your emotions.” (“An Entrepreneur Should Never Be a Daredevil,” November 2, 2014) In a recently-reported study about children’s brain development, child psychiatrist and researcher Jeffrey Rowe said the first five years of life are critically important to forming proper brain connections. “If you can’t control yourself, can’t control your emotions, you can’t pay attention to the outside world.” (B.J. Fikes, “Money, brain size linked,” U-T San Diego, March 31, 2015)

This article has some suggestions for keeping conflicts small by managing our emotions. Managed emotions are a big part of our skills-training methods, New Ways for Families and New Ways for Work, and may be more important in today’s world than ever before.
Try to Avoid This

A Family Feud: An argument in a couple: “You always leave your socks on the floor.” (That’s a little conflict.) “You’re such a slob.” (Now it’s a judgment about the whole person.) “You men, you’re all alike – irresponsible and self-centered!” (Now it’s about a whole gender.) If another family member came into this argument at this point, he or she would probably take gender sides and the conflict could easily get much bigger.

A Workplace Conflict: Some people clean up after themselves in the lunchroom and others don’t. Joe is a cleaner-upper. ”Look at this banana peel and sandwich bag, just left behind.” (A problem to solve.) “Why do I always have to clean up for everyone else!” (Now it’s about being a victim of everyone.) “Maybe I should go someplace to work where I’m appreciated!” (Now it’s about quitting – ending the relationship.)

A Divorce Dispute: Parents have to discuss a change of schedule: “I’ve got an opportunity for this coming Wednesday night – can we switch so I see the kids Tuesday or Thursday?” (A common problem to solve.) “I’ve told you a hundred times, I’m sticking to our Agreement, with no exceptions. 100%. The kids need absolute stability.” (Now we’re slipping into all-or-nothing thinking. Doubtful that it’s been a hundred times. However, rare cases do require no changes, because of extreme manipulation or violence in the past.) “In fact, I’m going to take you back to court to reduce your time with the kids, you f—ing jerk! You’re the worst father/mother in the world.” (Oops. Guess the children’s stability isn’t the issue after all.)
Try This Instead

In all of the above examples, the speaker quickly went from a simple problem to solve into all-or-nothing thinking and intense emotions. We refer to these emotions as unmanaged emotions, because they don’t get the person what the person really wants: respect, peace and quiet, a happy relationship, or whatever they were looking for. Now they have a bigger problem to solve and probably feel helpless or victimized, and distracted. Remember what the brain researcher said above: You can’t pay attention to the outside world when you’re busy reacting. So how can you manage your emotions in situations like this?

1. Regularly remind yourself to keep the conflict small. Ask yourself:

“Is this really a big deal?”

“Can this problem be solved by making a proposal?”

“What is the smallest issue here? Let’s start by solving that.”

“What are my choices here? I always have choices.”

2. Regularly give yourself encouraging statements. This will help you feel less defensive and less likely to over-react to other people’s behavior or emotions:

“It’s not about me!”

“I’m doing fine! I don’t have to prove anything here.”

“I can take a break!”

“I can handle this. No reason to lose control.”
Emotions Are Contagious

This all might seem very easy to do while you’re reading this. But actually it’s harder to do when other people aren’t managing their emotions, because emotions are contagious. There seems to be at least two reasons for this impact on our brains.

Amygdala responses: We have two amygdalae in our brains; one in the middle of each hemisphere. The right amygdala quickly reacts to other people’s facial expressions of fear and anger, and instantly starts a fight, flight or freeze response. Apparently the left amygdala responds more to threats in writing. You can see the protective response happening when someone else over-reacts – it’s usually sudden and extreme, and sometimes shocking in an office or in a meeting. But our prefrontal cortex (right behind your forehead) can over-ride the amygdala and say: Relax, it’s not a crisis. And the amygdala quiets down. This comes with practice – lots of practice telling yourself what’s not a crisis. This is a lot of what adolescence is about: figuring out what are real dangers that need fast all-or-nothing action and what are just problems to solve rationally.

Mirror neurons: Apparently we have neurons in our brains that fire when we do something AND when we just watch someone else doing something. Is seems that it’s a short-cut to learning – our brains are constantly getting us ready to do what others are doing. It may be a part of our group survival skills that we’re born with. Better to quickly run or fight or hide when others are doing so, rather than risk getting isolated and not surviving. But these responses can also be over-ridden – once you know about this. (So now you know about this.) But it also takes practice.

With this knowledge, you can be more specific with yourself when reminding yourself to keep the conflict small:

“I don’t have to mirror other people’s emotions.”

“I’m just having an amygdala response. But it’s not a crisis, so I can relax.”

“I have a choice: to react or focus on problem-solving. This is just a problem to solve.”
Get Support and Consultation

Another way to keep the conflict small is to talk to other people and get encouragement for yourself. This way you’ll feel less defensive and less anxious. Also, get their consultation suggestions for how to deal with a conflict and help keep it small. Ask: “Do you think this is a crisis? What do you see as my choices? What do you suggest?” Just talking to someone else can make a big difference.

You also may be facing a new problem you’ve never faced before. Don’t feel like you have to deal with it alone and don’t feel ashamed of yourself for being in your situation. Today, the types of problems most of us face have come up for thousands or millions of other people. Family issues, workplace conflicts, divorce disputes are extremely common. Yet it’s easy to see these problems as huge and overwhelming, and become isolated and feel helpless. Remind yourself: “It’s just a problem to solve. I can get consultation and suggestions from someone else. I don’t have to deal with this alone.”

Tune Out Extreme Media

Much of today’s media repeatedly shows dramatic images of people losing control over ordinary problems: from sitcoms to movies to the evening news. They compete to grab your attention with more and more extreme behavior, to get viewers and “market share” in the highly competitive world of modern media. But remember mirror neurons. We are absorbing this extreme loss-of-control behavior we observe, even when we aren’t thinking about it. Use your prefrontal cortex and remind yourself: These aren’t crises; they’re entertainment designed to grab my amygdala and mirror neurons. I can tune this out. It’s up to me what I think and feel.

Conclusion

Modern life has made us more aware of problems around the world, and exposes us constantly to other people’s over-reactions to problems. However, we can keep the conflict small, by what we tell ourselves and by understanding that we have control over our emotions to a great extent – especially if we practice encouraging statements and getting support. We’re not alone with these problems – at home or at work. We can handle them and get help when we need it. We can “Keep the conflict small!”

Bill Eddy is a mediator, lawyer, therapist and the President of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego. High Conflict Institute provides consultation for high-conflict situations, coaching for BIFF Responses (written responses that are Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm), and training for professionals in managing high conflict disputes in legal, workplace, healthcare and educational settings. He is also co-author with L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW, of the Axiom Award-Winning new book: It’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People. For books, videos for anyone, free articles or to schedule a training: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
________________________________________
CONTACT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

ANGER ASSESSMENT EVALUATIONS

 

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: http://www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

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#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider

The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

Atlanta Couples ( Marriage & Relationship ) Conflict Management

Conflict Management Training consists of face-to-face training in private sessions with the couple or start with indvidual.

Couple Conflict Management and possible Conflict Resolution is for couples in toxic relationship patterns where you want your relationship to work but things are either stalled and going no where or directly to the relationship ending.

Use when traditional counseling hasn’t worked. Or one of the partners is not big on counseling.

Call Richard at 678-576-1913

What’s different?

1.) This is Education Based Training and Discussion in a controlled environment with Facilitator (Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF) trained in Anger/Stress/Conflict Management. You receive hand-out teaching points with ACTION PLAN for each session.

2.) It is brief in nature. Usually 3-6 Sessions. You choose when things are better and you feel you no longer need to come since things are back to a better way of living.

3.) Couples need not “beat each other up” in the sessions.

4.) Can be started with couple or only one person attending.

5.) Same price for couple or single.

6.) WORKS! If both people are willing to address and own their own flaws and change themselves, resolution happens.

NOTE: Many couples continue with their current Marriage Counselor and that is encouraged. This is not counseling. This is re-education of learned behaviors that are toxic.

You will learn to identify and modify your attitudes and behaviors to return to a more loving healthy interpersonal relationship.

Question: Does present day life seem like a burden and just getting through another day takes a lot of effort? Criticism and hurt is the ever present pattern of interactions between partners?

Any of these currently at work in your relationship?

–>Criticism –> Defensiveness  –> Contempt  –> Withdrawal

–>Days pass with no happiness and joy

–>Harsh words exchanged daily

–>Name Calling and Blaming a way of life

–>Life’s Passion is gone, just existing is our daily duty

–>Stuck. Destructive patterns exchanged frequently

–>At least one partner never forgets anything and continually revisits them.

–>You hear yourself say: “Our relationship is messed up!”

–>”Oh x#%!, Here we go again!”

Better get help fast. These are known to kill any relationship.

Call Richard at 678-576-1913

COUPLE SESSION | ACCELERATED ONE DAY WORKSHOP

Couples Conflict Management will be scheduled on a case by case basis by appointment.

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF of Atlanta Anger Management offers Couple Conflict Management Sessions or Accelerated Workshop. They encompass a practical approach to providing a positive way of developing a healthier personality and reducing toxic anger within the relationship to help you get back on track and over the hurdle of hurt, resentment, and withdrawal.

People are waking up to the fact: “where ever you go, there you are.” Changing partners most often is not the answer. You will bring the same relationship patterns to the next relationship and find yourself in similar circumstances.

Participants find out quickly that what we teach really works. It helps them become more aware of their emotions, communication style, conflict, stress and anger issues and empathy they have or lack.

The couple can then begin the work of learning skills to address these issues.

Assertion is a powerful communication skill that helps people verbalize more effectively, with a calm tone that is more honest, and more appropriate to the situation. It is more effective than aggressive communicating or passive aggressive or passive communicating styles.

Assertive Training is taught to state unmet needs and communicate in ways that significantly reduce the angry feeling. Often our extremely effective anger management principles are embraced to support the process.

Stress: It is very important to manage stress in order to control conflict. Stress is usually the trigger for conflict/anger.

Empathy: the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes and be able to be with and understand another person’s emotions is also a key component in controlling conflict.

We take a look at Passive and Aggressive Anger that might be at work in the relationship.

We help clients understand what conflict really is and give them the tools to start to manage their conflict/stress to lead more productive lives with a better relationship that enriches their life and often their children’s lives.

Conflict Management Training consists of face-to-face training in private sessions with the couple.

If Wanted: Certificate of Completion will be awarded on the last day to those completing ALL sessions and payment in full.

If Court Ordered: The participant can then give the Certificate of Completion to the Court or Probation Officer.

Conflict Management will be scheduled on a case by case basis by appointment.

THE PROCESS

Over time our Couples (Marriage – Relationship) Conflict Management has evolved. Most often one person presents themselves as ” The Angry One In The Relationship”. A lot of the time volunteering as they desperately want to save the relationship. Other times “forced” to come by their partner.

In either case we have a First Intake Meeting and establish an Action Plan and offer specific immediate tools to start the change process. Small changes by one partner can be huge as it then offers noticeable difference to the partner. This in turn helps them to shift their reaction. Hope is reinforced and also a vision that things can and will improve.

Repeat…this is not counseling. Therefore hours of delving into root causes is not needed. The “Blame Game” is not needed.

After a few individual sessions most often it is time to meet with the partner for them to check in and have their side presented.

Interactions, progress, stalls, what is happening, successes, then leads us to the next step. Often both partners come for some lively interactions for further goal development, further Action Plans and many times Behavior or Language Contracts to halt destructive interactions.

The Couples know when it is time to stop coming as Conflict has eased and they have the tools to continue to improve and re-establish prior happy times.

The myth says it takes 3 weeks to change a behavior into a habit. Other research finds it is about 66 days. So it suggested to give the relationship a better chance to keep things on track that you commit to 4-8 sessions.

ATLANTA ANGER MANAGMENT
No sofas…
This is a Coaching Therapy Session
not Psychotherapy.

COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SESSIONS
Non Refundable

Call Richard at 678-576-1913 or e-mail to discuss your needs and schedule an appointment. No Drop ins. Please check in to discuss your needs.

  INVEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

---

COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

OPTION 1: 60 Minute Session

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COUPLES CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

OPTION 2 – Fast Track – First Meeting

Choose Longer Session to Accomplish more and have Action Plan to do before next session.

Both Partners Arrive to Work On Issues.

Sessions: Choose: 90 minutes | 120 Minutes | 3 Hours (180 Minutes)

After first session couples can choose the 60 Minute Session thereafter..

 Call Richard at 678-576-1913

COUPLES CONFLICT BLOG ARTICLE

When does this NOT work? When couples remain in

–>Blame Game

–>Criticism

–> Defensiveness

 –> Contempt  

–> Withdrawal

Behavior Changes: It suggested to give the relationship a better chance to keep things on track that you commit to 4-8 sessions.

Call Richard at 678-576-1913 or e-mail to discuss your needs and schedule an appointment. No Drop ins.

Non Refundable

Follow Up Consult Available When Needed.

We can also Use Facebook Messenger Video Chat, (compatible I phone to my Android phone) Skype or ICQ.

Question?

Is your relationship worth saving for less than the cost of a HDTV?

Is gaining life skills in Anger Management, Stress Management, Improved Communications, Emotional Intelligence and Changing one’s perception of the world that directly affects your relationships that will last a life time worth it?

How much does separation or divorce really costs? Google it.

Money cost… emotional cost… physical cost, mental cost, spiritual cost?

Change can be hard. But if you want to save your relationship, personal growth is required. Most often one person willing to working towards bettering the relationship will affect the partner and a shift occurs bringing them around to wanting to participate.

Use Couples Conflict Management and possible Conflict Resolution of the relevant issues.

We accept Visa, MasterCard, AMEX, PayPal to book your Session.

We do not accept checks. No Money Orders.

To cancel your appointment it is expected to give us 24 Hour notice. Shorter notice or no notice results in full billing for lost time. No Exceptions.

Free Parking With No Attendant. 24/7 building and deck security.

Inform receptionist of your arrival to see Richard Taylor.

Nice waiting areas.

Call Richard at 678-576-1913

In Person Sessions:

“DO NOT PASS YOUR ANGER UNTO ME PLEASE.”

                                                         

TESTIMONIALS:

I wanted to thank you. My wife withdrew our divorce papers and was glad to attend my sessions with you and work through some of our differences. I know I have to change to keep her. After almost 30 years of marriage I did not see it was my aggressive communication style and behaviors that overwhelmed her passive nature. Again thank you so much for giving us a plan to as you said it ” create new relationship patterns and renew our friendship and trust”. I am in your debt. – Zach and Courtney

Hi Richard:
Jason checking in. I wanted to thank you for helping me get my wife back! As you remember she had moved out and was staying with her Mom with our child. She said I had to do something about my ongoing life long anger issues or our marriage was over. I found you and used your Private Sessions format and after just two sessions she could see a major difference in me and moved back home. Thank you. We are both amazed and thrilled that we are better able to express our ourselves, argue less, and get to what is bother us without the need for all the drama we used to employ. Your non counseling, non judgmental approach really works. Thanks again for helping me save my marriage and my life! – Jason, and Becky

Mr. T: We tried counseling and for us it didn’t seem to help. We liked our first session with you the 90 minute one and help us clear the air…and your Action Plan gave us some things to focus on…a week was just enough time to see you again for more tips, ways to change what we are doing…we liked you saying…”Doing the same thing is not an option.” Totally. The sun is shining again. Best. -Toy and Johnny

Mr. Taylor: Thanks for helping us learn to communicate better! Things are going better. – D & S

Hi Richard: I wanted to thank you for helping my girlfriend and I save our relationship after we broke up and she moved out of state. After I crossed the line and hit her, you remember that she had to return to Atlanta and the new ways of handling myself were duly noted and she gave me a second chance. We are doing much better now and I hope I can get her to attend a few sessions to adjust some of her behaviors that still “get to me…” Thanks again! You are amazing! – Louis

Hi: Thanks for helping us restore our relationship. – Lynn and Charlie

Richard: We just wanted to let you know that we have seem to turn the corner! We are both starting to “get it” and becoming more aware of our negative relationship patterns that you helped bring to the forefront. The Anger Management Assessment was really worth it and invaluable for us to see the dynamics working in each of us. Your Language Reform Program has also really helped. When we both finally started to fully embrace the principles taught, incredible shifts started happening.

We both feel hope and our personal hurts seem to be dissolving. We will stay in touch and let you know further how it is going! We are both amazed at how fast things are improving! We appreciate your passion and compassion and your nonjudgmental empathy in helping us over the hump/bump that we moved into without much thought. Thank you. Thank you. – Jennifer and Tom

            Thanks for helping me stop raging. We are groovin now again…- Alejandro  

Richard: Wow! Last week we met with you for 3 hours for a wild Couples Conflict Management session, after Gene met with you a few times. I wanted you to know that you helped us open our eyes to see some of the dynamics in our relationship like wow for the first time. Neither of us are big on therapy, so finding you was exciting. Positive things are happening. Our on going hurt produced by criticism, sarcasm, defensiveness and withdrawal seems to be dissolving. We are no longer attacking each other all the time. (Not allowed – We used your Behavior Change Contract!) We are excited to see you again for further progress and Action Plans. – Bee and Gene

Hi: Rusty and I wanted to thank you for helping us through our separation and helping us get back together again. Living apart was needed but sucked. We had no way to get back to each other, too much hurt and anger, frustration, disappointment. We are very thankful for your gifts on compassion, direction, insights, proddings, contracts, more…and Action Plan that gave us a path to walk that was doable with results. We are together and happy again! You are the greatest. – Betsy and Rusty

Richard: You are awesome. We are happy again! Amazing it only took six weeks not two years! Your program is definitely the way to go. Thanks for your support. – Brit and Joseph

Thanks for your insights and coping skills to help us get over the rocky patch in our thing. Abayomi & Joost

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” — Alan Cohen

NOTICE:
Terms, Costs, Services Offered May Change
Without Notice.
Once You Sign Up & Enroll, Everything Remains
The Same As Outlined.

NO INSURANCE IS ACCEPTED.

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Emotions Series – Anger | Most Epic Angry Dark Music Mix

Emotions Series – Anger | Most Epic Angry Dark Music Mix

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EPIC ANGRY MUSIC MIX WITH ILLUSTRATIONS. Aweseome! Play and surf!
Entire mix is just awesome! Check out <<–>> ThePrimeCronus <<–>> see below…

Richard Taylor’ Owner/Director of Atlanta Anger Management offers you an Unique Approach to helping you with anger issues, rage, couples conflict, melt downs, doing and saying stupid things.

Private Sessions best if you want fast action turn-around in your life. Solo or Couple.

Get help before you self-destruct. Discrete, no signs. Confidential.

Let’s hit it hard!

Call 678-576-1913 for a free chat about what is going on.

Like it,

then let’s get started for a better you.

Spending money on helping yourself become less reactive, explosive, judgmental, less jealous is a small investment. Think of the money you blow in your entire life…?
Years ahead a calmer more rational you…can you see that? Look…imagine…see it…

It Is Possible! #itispossible #lessangry #atlangerman #remaincalm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seize the power within you!

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Good To Know – ATL Airport Dominates

Clients have flown into Atlanta, GA to work with Richard Taylor of Atlanta Anger Management for issues of emotional control, couples conflict management,  job performance enhancement, and sports anger management.

Cheap flights from Atlanta, GA¹

• Atlanta, GA is the gateway for cheap flights to domestic and international destinations and it currently has non-stop flights to 235 cities.
• Atlanta, GA travelers take frequent flights to the following cities of Las Vegas, Nevada, Honolulu, Hawaii and New York City, New York.
• In 2014 London, United Kingdom was the favorite European destination for travelers flying from Atlanta, GA and was followed by other cities like Rome, Italy, Paris, France and Frankfurt, Germany.
• San Juan, Puerto Rico and other favorite sunny locations like Montego Bay, Jamaica, St. Thomas are also places visited by Atlanta, GA travelers.
• The Top Asia destinations like Mumbai (Bombay), India, Manila, Philippines and New Delhi, India are also some favorite places for Atlanta, GA travelers.

Hartsfield-Jackson has a direct economic impact of more than about $32.5 billion for the metro Atlanta area economy.²

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2015 statistics³

Airports Council International‘s year-to-date figures as of March 2015 are as follows:^[1]

Rank	Airport	Location	Country	Code (IATA/ICAO)	Total passengers	Rank Change	% Change
1.	Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport	Atlanta, Georgia	United States	ATL/KATL	22,746,009		5.1%
2.	Beijing Capital International Airport	Chaoyang–Shunyi, Beijing	China	PEK/ZBAA	21,663,240		5.5%
3.	Dubai International Airport	Garhoud, Dubai	United Arab Emirates	DXB/OMDB	19,606,327	3	6.8%
4.	Tokyo Haneda Airport	Ōta, Tokyo	Japan	HND/RJTT	18,053,930		8.4%
5.	Los Angeles International Airport	Los Angeles, California	United States	LAX/KLAX	16,416,281		2.8%
6.	London Heathrow Airport	Hillingdon, London	United Kingdom	LHR/EGLL	16,364,246	3	2.0%
7.	Hong Kong International Airport	Chek Lap Kok, Hong Kong	China	HKG/VHHH	16,328,000	3	9.0%
8.	O’Hare International Airport	Chicago, Illinois	United States	ORD/KORD	16,258,025	1	9.8%
9.	Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport	Dallas–Fort Worth, Texas	United States	DFW/KDFW	14,487,751		1.2%
10.	Suvarnabhumi Airport	Bang Phli, Samut Prakan	Thailand	BKK/VTBS	14,139,314	12	14.8%
11.	Shanghai Pudong International Airport	Pudong, Shanghai	China	PVG/ZSPD	14,136,814	8	17.7%
12.	Paris-Charles de Gaulle Airport	Roissy-en-France, Île-de-France	France	CDG/LFPG	14,113,587	4	2.2%
13.	Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport	Baiyun–Huadu, Guangzhou, Guangdong	China	CAN/ZGGG	14,094,902	2	3.7%
14.	Singapore Changi Airport	Changi	Singapore	SIN/WSSS	13,076,000	2	0.9%
15.	Istanbul Atatürk Airport	Istanbul	Turkey	IST/LTBA	12,944,832	2	4.4%
16.	Seoul Incheon International Airport	Incheon	Republic of Korea	ICN/RKSI	12,539,595	7	15.6%
17.	Frankfurt Airport	Frankfurt, Hesse	Germany	FRA/EDDF	12,508,282	6	2.8%
18.	Soekarno-Hatta International Airport	Cengkareng, Banten	Indonesia	CGK/WIII	12,314,667	6	9.5%
19.	Denver International Airport	Denver, Colorado	United States	DEN/KDEN	12,213,404	1	1.4%
20.	Kuala Lumpur International Airport	Sepang, Selangor	Malaysia	KUL/WMKK	11,972,635		2.9%
21.	John F. Kennedy International Airport	Queens, New York City, New York	United States	JFK/KJFK	11,924,793	4	7.4%
22.	Amsterdam Airport Schiphol	Haarlemmermeer, North Holland	The Netherlands	AMS/EHAM	11,530,950	8	3.5%
23.	Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport	Phoenix, Arizona	United States	PHX/KPHX	11,015,495	3	4.5%
24.	Miami International Airport	Miami-Dade County, Florida	United States	MIA/KMIA	10,978,401	5	4.6%
25.	San Francisco International Airport	San Mateo County, California	United States	SFO/KSFO	10,799,749	4	5.1%
26.	Indira Gandhi International Airport	Delhi	India	DEL/VIDP	10,686,816	5	13.0%
27.	Charlotte Douglas International Airport	Charlotte, North Carolina	United States	CLT/KCLT	10,344,920	3	0.1%
28.	McCarran International Airport	Las Vegas, Nevada	United States	LAS/KLAS	10,307,039	3	1.7%
29.	Chengdu Shuangliu International Airport	Shuangliu, Chengdu, Sichuan	China	CTU/ZUUU	10,184,839	9	13.3%
30.	São Paulo-Guarulhos International Airport	Guarulhos, São Paulo	Brazil	GRU/SBGR	9,961,379		1.9%

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ATLANTA’S HARTSFIELD JACKSON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

Since 1998, Hartsfield-Jackson has been the busiest passenger airport in the world. Atlanta has the tallest air traffic control tower in North America (398 feet or 121 meters) and is the third tallest in the world. Atlanta is within a two hour flight of 80% of the United States population. Hartsfield-Jackson averages almost 250,000 passengers a day. On average, there are over 1,300 daily domestic departures. There are over 150 U.S. destinations with non-stop service from Atlanta. The airport offers direct flights to 95 cities in 57 countries. On average there are over 2,700 arrivals and departures daily, making Hartsfield-Jackson the busiest airport in the world for total movements. Hartsfield-Jackson has 143,000 domestic seats available daily and 132,000 international seats available weekly. The average price of a one-way domestic airline ticket is $172.

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American Connection / American Eagle	United Express / Shuttle America
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Delta Connection / Pinnacle Airlines	US Airway Express / PSA
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¹ http://www.tripadvisor.com/Flights-o60898-From_Atlanta-Cheap_Discount_Airfares.html

² http://www.atlanta-airport.com/Airport/ATL/ATL_FactSheet.aspx

³ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_the_world’s_busiest_airports_by_passenger_traffic#2015_statistics

CONTACT

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
Atlanta, Georgia USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

Johann Hari: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong

The opposite of addiction is connection.
– Johann Hari

0:11
One of my earliest memories is of trying to wake up one of my relatives and not being able to. And I was just a little kid, so I didn’t really understand why, but as I got older, I realized we had drug addiction in my family, including later cocaine addiction.

0:24
I’d been thinking about it a lot lately, partly because it’s now exactly 100 years since drugs were first banned in the United States and Britain, and we then imposed that on the rest of the world. It’s a century since we made this really fateful decision to take addicts and punish them and make them suffer, because we believed that would deter them; it would give them an incentive to stop.

0:47
And a few years ago, I was looking at some of the addicts in my life who I love, and trying to figure out if there was some way to help them. And I realized there were loads of incredibly basic questions I just didn’t know the answer to, like, what really causes addiction? Why do we carry on with this approach that doesn’t seem to be working, and is there a better way out there that we could try instead?

1:09
So I read loads of stuff about it, and I couldn’t really find the answers I was looking for, so I thought, okay, I’ll go and sit with different people around the world who lived this and studied this and talk to them and see if I could learn from them. And I didn’t realize I would end up going over 30,000 miles at the start, but I ended up going and meeting loads of different people, from a transgender crack dealer in Brownsville, Brooklyn, to a scientist who spends a lot of time feeding hallucinogens to mongooses to see if they like them — it turns out they do, but only in very specific circumstances — to the only country that’s ever decriminalized all drugs, from cannabis to crack, Portugal. And the thing I realized that really blew my mind is, almost everything we think we know about addiction is wrong, and if we start to absorb the new evidence about addiction, I think we’re going to have to change a lot more than our drug policies.

1:57
But let’s start with what we think we know, what I thought I knew. Let’s think about this middle row here. Imagine all of you, for 20 days now, went off and used heroin three times a day. Some of you look a little more enthusiastic than others at this prospect. (Laughter) Don’t worry, it’s just a thought experiment. Imagine you did that, right? What would happen? Now, we have a story about what would happen that we’ve been told for a century. We think, because there are chemical hooks in heroin, as you took it for a while, your body would become dependent on those hooks, you’d start to physically need them, and at the end of those 20 days, you’d all be heroin addicts. Right? That’s what I thought.

2:33
First thing that alerted me to the fact that something’s not right with this story is when it was explained to me. If I step out of this TED Talk today and I get hit by a car and I break my hip, I’ll be taken to hospital and I’ll be given loads of diamorphine. Diamorphine is heroin. It’s actually much better heroin than you’re going to buy on the streets, because the stuff you buy from a drug dealer is contaminated. Actually, very little of it is heroin, whereas the stuff you get from the doctor is medically pure. And you’ll be given it for quite a long period of time. There are loads of people in this room, you may not realize it, you’ve taken quite a lot of heroin. And anyone who is watching this anywhere in the world, this is happening. And if what we believe about addiction is right — those people are exposed to all those chemical hooks — What should happen? They should become addicts. This has been studied really carefully. It doesn’t happen; you will have noticed if your grandmother had a hip replacement, she didn’t come out as a junkie. (Laughter)

3:25
And when I learned this, it seemed so weird to me, so contrary to everything I’d been told, everything I thought I knew, I just thought it couldn’t be right, until I met a man called Bruce Alexander. He’s a professor of psychology in Vancouver who carried out an incredible experiment I think really helps us to understand this issue. Professor Alexander explained to me, the idea of addiction we’ve all got in our heads, that story, comes partly from a series of experiments that were done earlier in the 20th century. They’re really simple. You can do them tonight at home if you feel a little sadistic. You get a rat and you put it in a cage, and you give it two water bottles: One is just water, and the other is water laced with either heroin or cocaine. If you do that, the rat will almost always prefer the drug water and almost always kill itself quite quickly. So there you go, right? That’s how we think it works. In the ’70s, Professor Alexander comes along and he looks at this experiment and he noticed something. He said ah, we’re putting the rat in an empty cage. It’s got nothing to do except use these drugs. Let’s try something different. So Professor Alexander built a cage that he called “Rat Park,” which is basically heaven for rats. They’ve got loads of cheese, they’ve got loads of colored balls, they’ve got loads of tunnels. Crucially, they’ve got loads of friends. They can have loads of sex. And they’ve got both the water bottles, the normal water and the drugged water. But here’s the fascinating thing: In Rat Park, they don’t like the drug water. They almost never use it. None of them ever use it compulsively. None of them ever overdose. You go from almost 100 percent overdose when they’re isolated to zero percent overdose when they have happy and connected lives.

4:58
Now, when he first saw this, Professor Alexander thought, maybe this is just a thing about rats, they’re quite different to us. Maybe not as different as we’d like, but, you know — But fortunately, there was a human experiment into the exact same principle happening at the exact same time. It was called the Vietnam War. In Vietnam, 20 percent of all American troops were using loads of heroin, and if you look at the news reports from the time, they were really worried, because they thought, my God, we’re going to have hundreds of thousands of junkies on the streets of the United States when the war ends; it made total sense. Now, those soldiers who were using loads of heroin were followed home. The Archives of General Psychiatry did a really detailed study, and what happened to them? It turns out they didn’t go to rehab. They didn’t go into withdrawal. Ninety-five percent of them just stopped. Now, if you believe the story about chemical hooks, that makes absolutely no sense, but Professor Alexander began to think there might be a different story about addiction. He said, what if addiction isn’t about your chemical hooks? What if addiction is about your cage? What if addiction is an adaptation to your environment?

6:03
Looking at this, there was another professor called Peter Cohen in the Netherlands who said, maybe we shouldn’t even call it addiction. Maybe we should call it bonding. Human beings have a natural and innate need to bond, and when we’re happy and healthy, we’ll bond and connect with each other, but if you can’t do that, because you’re traumatized or isolated or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief. Now, that might be gambling, that might be pornography, that might be cocaine, that might be cannabis, but you will bond and connect with something because that’s our nature. That’s what we want as human beings.

6:39
And at first, I found this quite a difficult thing to get my head around, but one way that helped me to think about it is, I can see, I’ve got over by my seat a bottle of water, right? I’m looking at lots of you, and lots of you have bottles of water with you. Forget the drugs. Forget the drug war. Totally legally, all of those bottles of water could be bottles of vodka, right? We could all be getting drunk — I might after this — (Laughter) — but we’re not. Now, because you’ve been able to afford the approximately gazillion pounds that it costs to get into a TED Talk, I’m guessing you guys could afford to be drinking vodka for the next six months. You wouldn’t end up homeless. You’re not going to do that, and the reason you’re not going to do that is not because anyone’s stopping you. It’s because you’ve got bonds and connections that you want to be present for. You’ve got work you love. You’ve got people you love. You’ve got healthy relationships. And a core part of addiction, I came to think, and I believe the evidence suggests, is about not being able to bear to be present in your life.

7:37
Now, this has really significant implications. The most obvious implications are for the War on Drugs. In Arizona, I went out with a group of women who were made to wear t-shirts saying, “I was a drug addict,” and go out on chain gangs and dig graves while members of the public jeer at them, and when those women get out of prison, they’re going to have criminal records that mean they’ll never work in the legal economy again. Now, that’s a very extreme example, obviously, in the case of the chain gang, but actually almost everywhere in the world we treat addicts to some degree like that. We punish them. We shame them. We give them criminal records. We put barriers between them reconnecting. There was a doctor in Canada, Dr. Gabor Maté, an amazing man, who said to me, if you wanted to design a system that would make addiction worse, you would design that system.

8:23
Now, there’s a place that decided to do the exact opposite, and I went there to see how it worked. In the year 2000, Portugal had one of the worst drug problems in Europe. One percent of the population was addicted to heroin, which is kind of mind-blowing, and every year, they tried the American way more and more. They punished people and stigmatized them and shamed them more, and every year, the problem got worse. And one day, the Prime Minister and the leader of the opposition got together, and basically said, look, we can’t go on with a country where we’re having ever more people becoming heroin addicts. Let’s set up a panel of scientists and doctors to figure out what would genuinely solve the problem. And they set up a panel led by an amazing man called Dr. João Goulão, to look at all this new evidence, and they came back and they said, “Decriminalize all drugs from cannabis to crack, but” — and this is the crucial next step — “take all the money we used to spend on cutting addicts off, on disconnecting them, and spend it instead on reconnecting them with society.” And that’s not really what we think of as drug treatment in the United States and Britain. So they do do residential rehab, they do psychological therapy, that does have some value. But the biggest thing they did was the complete opposite of what we do: a massive program of job creation for addicts, and microloans for addicts to set up small businesses. So say you used to be a mechanic. When you’re ready, they’ll go to a garage, and they’ll say, if you employ this guy for a year, we’ll pay half his wages. The goal was to make sure that every addict in Portugal had something to get out of bed for in the morning. And when I went and met the addicts in Portugal, what they said is, as they rediscovered purpose, they rediscovered bonds and relationships with the wider society.

10:00
It’ll be 15 years this year since that experiment began, and the results are in: injecting drug use is down in Portugal, according to the British Journal of Criminology, by 50 percent, five-zero percent. Overdose is massively down, HIV is massively down among addicts. Addiction in every study is significantly down. One of the ways you know it’s worked so well is that almost nobody in Portugal wants to go back to the old system.

10:23
Now, that’s the political implications. I actually think there’s a layer of implications to all this research below that. We live in a culture where people feel really increasingly vulnerable to all sorts of addictions, whether it’s to their smartphones or to shopping or to eating. Before these talks began — you guys know this — we were told we weren’t allowed to have our smartphones on, and I have to say, a lot of you looked an awful lot like addicts who were told their dealer was going to be unavailable for the next couple of hours. (Laughter) A lot of us feel like that, and it might sound weird to say, I’ve been talking about how disconnection is a major driver of addiction and weird to say it’s growing, because you think we’re the most connected society that’s ever been, surely. But I increasingly began to think that the connections we have or think we have, are like a kind of parody of human connection. If you have a crisis in your life, you’ll notice something. It won’t be your Twitter followers who come to sit with you. It won’t be your Facebook friends who help you turn it round. It’ll be your flesh and blood friends who you have deep and nuanced and textured, face-to-face relationships with, and there’s a study I learned about from Bill McKibben, the environmental writer, that I think tells us a lot about this. He looked at the number of close friends the average American believes they can call on in a crisis. That number has been declining steadily since the 1950s. The amount of floor space an individual has in their home has been steadily increasing, and I think that’s like a metaphor for the choice we’ve made as a culture. We’ve traded floorspace for friends, we’ve traded stuff for connections, and the result is we are one of the loneliest societies there has ever been. And Bruce Alexander, the guy who did the Rat Park experiment, says, we talk all the time in addiction about individual recovery, and it’s right to talk about that, but we need to talk much more about social recovery. Something’s gone wrong with us, not just with individuals but as a group, and we’ve created a society where, for a lot of us, life looks a whole lot more like that isolated cage and a whole lot less like Rat Park.

12:15
If I’m honest, this isn’t why I went into it. I didn’t go in to the discover the political stuff, the social stuff. I wanted to know how to help the people I love. And when I came back from this long journey and I’d learned all this, I looked at the addicts in my life, and if you’re really candid, it’s hard loving an addict, and there’s going to be lots of people who know in this room. You are angry a lot of the time, and I think one of the reasons why this debate is so charged is because it runs through the heart of each of us, right? Everyone has a bit of them that looks at an addict and thinks, I wish someone would just stop you.

And the kind of scripts we’re told for how to deal with the addicts in our lives is typified by, I think, the reality show “Intervention,” if you guys have ever seen it. I think everything in our lives is defined by reality TV, but that’s another TED Talk. If you’ve ever seen the show “Intervention,” it’s a pretty simple premise. Get an addict, all the people in their life, gather them together, confront them with what they’re doing, and they say, if you don’t shape up, we’re going to cut you off. So what they do is they take the connection to the addict, and they threaten it, they make it contingent on the addict behaving the way they want. And I began to think, I began to see why that approach doesn’t work, and I began to think that’s almost like the importing of the logic of the Drug War into our private lives.

13:33
So I was thinking, how could I be Portuguese? And what I’ve tried to do now, and I can’t tell you I do it consistently and I can’t tell you it’s easy, is to say to the addicts in my life that I want to deepen the connection with them, to say to them, I love you whether you’re using or you’re not. I love you, whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you because I love you and I don’t want you to be alone or to feel alone.

14:00
And I think the core of that message — you’re not alone, we love you — has to be at every level of how we respond to addicts, socially, politically and individually. For 100 years now, we’ve been singing war songs about addicts. I think all along we should have been singing love songs to them, because the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.

14:27
Thank you.

CONNECT:

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

Silent Treatment is Emotional Abuse By Immature Partner

What Married Couples Should Know About the Silent Treatment.

It is Abusive.

By Sheri Stritof Marriage Expert

The silent treatment doesn’t work. And it is mean spirited.

This form of emotional and verbal abuse as a manipulation tactic is also ineffective and hurts your marriage.

As well as leaving important issues in your marriage unresolved, the silent treatment may make your spouse feel worthless, unloved, hurt, confused, frustrated, angry, and unimportant.
When you sulk or pout and refuse to talk about a problem, accept an apology, or help make a decision, not only are you shutting your spouse out, you are being cruel.
Like saying “I don’t care” or “whatever” or rolling your eyes or smirking, using the silent treatment is a cop out.

• How to Respond to the Silent Treatment
  • If your spouse denies giving you the silent treatment by saying it’s just a cooling off period or a desire for some space or time alone, point out in a respectful tone of voice that you are not a mind reader and that a need for space should be expressed prior to the period of silence and that there should be a time limit to wanting time to cool off or get your act together.
• Silent Treatment is NOT Stonewalling.
• Some experts recommend not acknowledging the silence or cold shoulder mode and suggest you leave your spouse alone to sulk.• Don’t respond with threats.
• Recognize the tactic of not talking to you is a control tactic or a way of avoiding having to admit making a mistake.
• Quit inventing ways to get your mate to speak to you.
• Walk away.Leave them to their self inflicted misery.
• Do something fun or interesting that you want to do.
• But if your spouse talks to you, respond with a soft courteous voice.

What Others Have to Say About The Silent Treatment

Kipling D. Williams: “A survey of over 2,000 Americans conducted by Faulkner et al. (1997) found that 67% admitted to using the silent treatment, deliberately not speaking to a person in their presence, or a loved one. The percentage was slightly higher (75%) for those who indicated that they had been a target of the silent treatment by a loved one … They found that the silent treatment was just as likely to be used by males as females, and that it was used more often to terminate a partner’s behaviors than to elicit them.”
Source:Kipling D. Williams PhD. Ostracism: The Power of Silence. 2002. pgs. 9-10.

Gregory L. Jantz, Ann McMurray: “The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser. This level of control is precisely what the abuser is looking for, as well as a way to vent his or her anger at the other person. By not verbally expressing that anger, by ‘avoiding’ showing anger, the abuser is allowed to feel as if the victim is the only person at fault for whatever wrong is perceived by the abuser. If the victim responds to the silent treatment with anger, the abuser is doubly vindicated.”
Source: Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, Ann McMurray. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. 2009. pg. 78.

Walter B. Roberts: “Silent Treatments are used to control the situation by their lack of responses. When they do nothing, others have to do all the work. The power of the Silent Treatments rests in their abilities to always be right … They maintain a position of superiority by not owning a part of a plan — if we let them get away with it …

The Trick

The trick is always to keep the Silent Treatments engaged and maybe even provide a little positive provocation to get them to respond, as a method of increasing their participation.”
Source: Walter B. Roberts Jr. Working With Parents of Bullies and Victims. 2008. pg. 75.

Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower: “The best way to counter the silent treatment is to assert your rights and ask for a speaking partner.”
Source: Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower. Asserting Your-Self: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. 1991. pg. 121.

Source: http://marriage.about.com/od/nonverbal/a/What-Married-Couples-Should-Know-About-The-Silent-Treatment.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Silent Treatment: How And Why It SCREAMS Abuse

By Cathy Meyer Divorce Support Expert

What is going on when your spouse gives you the silent treatment?

They are displaying anger and aggression and in immature way of handling marital problems and communication.

Shutting down and refusing to communicate with a spouse is an abusive way of saying, “This is all your fault, and you deal with it because I’m not going to.”

Signs

How do you know if your spouse is giving you the silent treatment?
• They refuse to speak to you.
• They leave the room when you enter.
• They talk to others around you but, not you.
• They refuse to share meals with you.
• They turn their back to you in bed.
• They don’t respond to questions when asked.
• They use the children as messengers instead of coming to you directly.

This behavior may go on for days or even weeks.

• You live in an atmosphere that is tense and uncomfortable.
• You second guess yourself and your words and are constantly trying to figure out a way to end the silence and get the marriage back on track.
• You are being punished and thanks to your spouse’s silent treatment you are left to wonder what you did to earn such punishment.

Your spouse’s silent treatment is about manipulating you into getting what they want. It’s about controlling you without saying a word.
What impact does your spouse’s silent treatment have on you?

• You will internalize their silence and make it about something you’ve done wrong.
• Internalizing marital problems and taking responsibility for those problems with a spouse who refuses to communicate can lead to health problems, depression and anxiety.
• You are constantly on guard out of fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and causing them to go silent.
• The silent treatment sends the message that you and your needs are not important to the person who vowed to love and honor you. You feel dismissed!

Why is the silent treatment so damaging to the marriage and you?

• No marriage can survive emotional assault.
• Silent Treatment produces break up/divorce.
• The silent abuser cannot bear real mature intimacy. It scares the hell out of them.
• Not only is your spouse’s silent treatment abusive to you, it is abusive to the marriage.

All marriages have problems, problems don’t get solved if one party refuses to acknowledge and address those problems.

Marriage is a partnership between two mature adults.

If your spouse constantly goes silent you are living with a child who wants to be catered to and, is ill equipped to handle problems that come along with adult partnerships.

Giving someone the silent treatment is manipulation and punishment of a spouse.

The spouse who is being abused by this technique will eventually withdraw emotionally and one day give up on the marriage.

The abuser is secretly relieved. It was ‘their’ fault. They believe “I am perfect. I have no work to do on myself. Yes, it was them.” Then Repeat, next relationship same thing and over and over. One day maybe the individual wakes up. Mostly like they die alone. No one likes a person who is perfect. It is not human. Denial in abusers is the answer. They never become an adult. They defer responsibility on others. Blame is their delusional game.

Can you really stay married to such an emotional abuser when there are healthy partners wanting someone like you. An individual capable of a mature relationship with communication skills, conflict management skills and simply a loving empathetic feeling person?

Final thoughts:

Not everyone is equipped with the relationship skills needed to succeed at marriage.

The silent treatment is a distorted coping skill used by those who don’t know how to engage in an adult manner is conflict and problem solving.

They always have a reason or excuse for their behavior. My ex used to tell me that he, “Needed to cool down before talking” about a problem. The problem is, once he had “cooled down” he still refused to communicate.

Your abuser may use you as an excuse.

You may simply want to discuss an issue that they are uncomfortable with but you will be labeled as overreacting or becoming hysterical.

It isn’t about you though, it is about them and their stunted developmental patterns when it comes to lack of intimate communication.

Options

You have options, Couples can change behaviors and learn more productive relationship skills.

The Silent Treatment abuser will have to admit this is not productive and helps KILL the emotions in their partner and day by day driving them away.

Death of the relationship comes like a thief in the night.

One day the partner moves to apathy as displayed by their Silent Treatment partner.

The heart is dead. The relationship over.

Acceptance by anyone is the motivation to move on. …Never received it during the Silent Treatment abuse.

Over.

The abuser gets what they want:

No relationship involving intimacy, relationship growth.

Alone is better than that.

Accepting responsibility almost always comes too late.

All sad but true.

Want to Save Your Relationship/Marriage?

Try couple marital counseling or find a relationship coach to help the two of you begin to work together in a way that is healthy.

If, after some time you see no change in their behavior you need to decide whether or not to live with it, or divorce.

You do deserve intimacy in a marriage.

Source: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/domesticabuse/fl/The-Silent-Treatment-How-And-Why-It-SCREAMS-Abuse.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The silent but deadly treatment – sabotaging your own marriage

December 29, 2010 10:27 PM MST

There are many words and actions in heated moments within an argument that can be considered hurtful and destructive to one’s marriage relationship. Some scratch the surface of poking at the threshold of provocation; and others dig deep irreversible wounds to the soul, never to be recovered from.

But there is a trend among married couples that seems to continue to permeate grown, mature adult marriage relationships, no matter what religious preference, race or nationality, or upbringing.

It’s the act of giving what’s been coined, “The Silent Treatment,” or simply put, purposefully ignoring your spouse and withholding all forms of interactivity and conversation.

Almost all do not realize that they are in fact sabotaging their own relationship by this hurtful tactic and could even possibly dissolve the foundation to which the relationship was based on in the first place.

Many dub giving the “Silent Treatment” as a form of pure “abuse”. Also subscribed as “the worst emotional abuse known”. To that we have no reason to disagree.

Giving your spouse the silent treatment is understood as a form of punishment to the other person.

• The clear intent is a purposeful endeavor to make the other:
• • feel unimportant,
• • devalued,
• • belittled,
• • isolated to their own self without the human contact,
• • All in retribution and revenge because of one or more things that were said or done.

The immediate problem is… what if the hurt was not on purpose, but accidental?
To quote Abuse101.com,

“Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser’s existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation.
In a word..it’s meant to torture someone you profess to love.”
(http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html)

Giving someone this “Silent Treatment” is such a negative form of abuse and retribution, that even Merriam-Webster has a real definition for this coined term.

The definition states, “An act of completely ignoring a person or thing by resort to silence especially as a means of expressing contempt or disapproval.” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/silent%20treatment)

The low-down.

Despite the fact that giving someone the “Silent Treatment” is a clear show of immaturity and spite, we would also like to bring to light a few thoughts on how this will simply affect your marriage.

Firstly, it is completely counter-productive!

The whole point in your actions when dealing with being hurt by your partner is to communicate to them how they might have hurt you so that they can realize the impact their words or actions had on you. But instead of communicating, you have destroyed that opportunity for the both of you to restore the closeness, love and overall feelings of love and friendship.

Instead of making your partner feel bad and wanting to crawl to you, you have put them in a position of now having to survive devastating hurt coming from you.
The Silent Treatment is in all levels counterproductive to the point that it can literally become a factor of separation or divorce and disillusionment of a marriage.

Secondly, it shows your partner that you cannot handle real, life problems.

It brings to mind the children in the playground that stick out their bottom lip, and stick their fingers in their ears while they loudly and obnoxiously sing, “la-la-la, I can’t hear you!”

Truth be told, giving the Silent Treatment is not an effective way to deal with real issues. Yet there are untold adults that do just that.

There are many more effective ways to deal and communicate with your partner than to give the Silent Treatment.

Just know, that when you do this, it not only deeply wounds the one you love, but also yourself and your own marriage.

It tears at the very fabric of what holds your marriage together, and gives way the opportunity for bitterness and wrath to utterly destroy your marriage.
So, when the urge comes to give the Silent Treatment, resist it.

Just make sure you do whatever it takes to move past this type of behavior.

Seek counseling for yourself.

Your self-righteousness will destroy your marriage that YOU caused.

You are the Silent Treatment Abuser.

Wake Up to Emotional Intelligence before your high IQ destroys you.

You will be right and single.

When it comes to marriage, silence is certainly not golden, communication is paramount.

Silent but deadly…not farts…You!

Choose the relationship by learning Conflict Management skills and learn to Communicate.

Silence does not work in a mature relationship called marriage.

Source: http://www.examiner.com/article/the-silent-but-deadly-treatment-sabotaging-your-own-marriage

____________________________________________

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Definition
By Mayo Clinic Staff

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs.

You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy (psychotherapy).

If you have narcissistic personality disorder:

• you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious.
• You often monopolize conversations.
• You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior.
• You may feel a sense of entitlement
• When you don’t receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry.
• You may insist on having “the best” of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.
• At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism.
• You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation.
• To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior.
• Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.

 

Causes

It’s not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. As with other mental disorders, the cause is likely complex.

• Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to:
  • Mismatches in parent-child relationships with either excessive pampering or excessive criticism
  • Genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking
  • Parenting styles that overemphasize the child’s specialness and criticize fears and failures may be partially responsible.
  • The child may hide low self-esteem by developing a superficial sense of perfection and behavior that shows a need for constant admiration.

 

Treatments and drugs – Psychotherapy

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy.

 

Psychotherapy can help you:

• Learn to relate better with others so your relationships are more intimate, enjoyable and rewarding

• Understand the causes of your emotions and what drives you to compete, to distrust others, and perhaps to despise yourself and others

Because personality traits can be difficult to change, therapy may take several years.

Areas of change are directed at helping you accept responsibility and learning to:
• Accept and maintain real personal relationships and collaboration with co-workers
• Recognize and accept your actual competence and potential so you can tolerate criticisms or failures
• Increase your ability to understand and regulate your feelings
• Understand and tolerate the impact of issues related to your self-esteem
• Release your desire for unattainable goals and ideal conditions and gain an acceptance of what’s attainable and what you can accomplish

Medications

There are no medications specifically used to treat narcissistic personality disorder. However, if you have symptoms of depression, anxiety or other conditions, medications such as antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs may be helpful.

Source: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20025568

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Silent treatment speaks volumes about a relationship

Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY 6:03 a.m. EDT August 3, 2014

If you’re suffering in silence — or because of it — your relationship may be more endangered than you realize, according to new research that shows those whose interactions include the “silent treatment” can spell ruin for the future.

Although researchers say the cold shoulder is the most common way people deal with marital conflict, an analysis of 74 studies, based on more than 14,000 participants, shows that when one partner withdraws in silence or shuts down emotionally because of perceived demands by the other, the harm is both emotional and physical.

“The more this pattern emerges within your relationship, the greater the chances one or both partners experience heightened levels of anxiety or may use more aggressive forms of behavior,” says Paul Schrodt, a professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, who led the study published this spring in the journal Communication Monographs.

“Each partner sees the other person’s behavior as the start of a fight,” he says. “If you go to him and ask why he’s so withdrawn from his wife, it’s because ‘she’s constantly nagging me and constantly asking a million questions.’

If you ask her why she’s making demands of him, it’s because ‘he doesn’t tell me anything. I don’t get the sense he cares about our relationship.’ Each partner fails to see how their own behavior is contributing to the pattern.”

In much of the research, Schrodt says, the man tends to be more silent; but psychologist Les Parrott of Seattle says he has seen less of a breakdown along gender lines.

“I see plenty of men get demanding,” he says.

It’s that pattern, Schrodt says, that is so damaging, because it signals a serious sign of distress in the relationship. The research, which spanned from 1987 to 2011, wasn’t specifically about the silent treatment; however, the silent treatment is part of a broader pattern that extends not just to romantic relationships but to parenting styles as well, which also were part of the research, he says.

Parrott, co-author of The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring you Closer, a book published in April, says the silent treatment is a very difficult pattern to break because it’s such an ingrained behavior.

“We learn this strategy very early on — just as little kids — to shut somebody out as a way to punish,” Parrott says. “Many of us are prone to sulk or to pout, and that is an early form of giving somebody the silent treatment.”
Parrott, a psychology professor at Seattle Pacific University, says nothing good comes from the silent treatment because it’s “manipulative, disrespectful and not productive.”

Schrodt’s analysis found that couples who use such conflict behaviors experience lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication, which is also associated with divorce.

And, he says, some of the studies found the effects were not just emotional but physiological, such as urinary, bowel or erectile dysfunction.

“Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,” Schrodt says. “Both partners see the other as the problem.”

Parrott and Schrodt agree being aware of the destructive pattern can help resolve it.

“Conflict is inevitable, but how you manage it can make the difference,” Parrott says.

How to break the pattern of the silent treatment

— Become aware of what’s really going on. The person making demands feels abandoned; the silent person is protecting himself. Each needs to ask: “Why am I behaving this way? How does my behavior make my partner feel?”
— Avoid character assassination. It will do more damage to label your spouse as “selfish” or “rude.”
— Use the word “I,” because the more you use “you,” the longer your squabble will last.

 

You can say something like, “This is how I feel when you stop talking to me.”
— Mutually agree to take a timeout.

 

When the cycle emerges, both partners need to cool their heads and warm their hearts before engaging.

And some people just need a bit of time to think before they speak. This in NOT Days.
— Genuinely apologize as soon as you are able.

Source: Les Parrott, psychologist at Seattle Pacific University; co-author of the 2014 book The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring you Closer
Source: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/08/03/relationships-conflict-research/12987065/

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By: Mort Fertel, author and Founder of the Marriage Fitness System for Relationship Renewal.

In marriage, you can be right or you can be happy.

Let me explain, and let me start by sharing an email I received from a women struggling in her marriage. She wrote:

Dear Mort,

We are in week 2 of the silent treatment! It all started over something so little and ridiculous! We are both adults, old enough to know better than this! He is a judge, I am a social worker ! He won’t budge! I need help!

Jodie

Oh, the dreaded silent treatment. The big stand-off. You know it, right? Horrible, isn’t it? And it doesn’t just eat away at your marriage; it eats away at your stomach. The stress on your body and the tension in your house…it’s the WORST.

At the time, you’re committed to avoiding him/her for the rest of your life. You’ve never prayed so hard wishing that he/she won’t come into the room or that he/she would just go to bed already.

Sometimes you feel like you could explode, right? There’s so much bottled-up inside you.

And yet you let it continue. WHY?

You refuse to be the one to apologize first. You’re NOT going to break the ice this time. Why not?        Answer: Ego.

Most silent treatments start like Jodie’s started…with something “little and ridiculous.” Most couples can’t remember what the impetus was. And if they could, they’d be too embarrassed to admit that something so small blew-up into something so big.

So what are these silent treatments or stand-offs REALLY about? And how can you avoid them or end them soon after they begin?

It’s interesting that Jodie made a point to share with me that she and her husband “know better.” In other words, they’re intelligent, educated, and accomplished people. Jodie’s husband is even a judge, an expert in distinguishing between right and wrong. They know that treating each other this way doesn’t make sense. They know IT is wrong. But they also know that THEY are right.

And that’s exactly the problem.

Silent treatments ensue when both people feel they’re RIGHT. And the more intense each spouse’s conviction to their perspective, the longer the silence lasts.

And, ironically, the more intelligent and the articulate the couple, the MORE LIKELY they are to endure silence between them. Because intelligent and articulate people have confidence in their position and justification for holding their ground.

Although Jodie is surprised that her and her husband, intelligent people, could be so petty; the fact is that one reason they’re holding their silence for so long is BECAUSE they’re intelligent.

In other words, intellectual capacity and marital satisfaction can be INVERSELY related.

Let me say it another way: When it comes to your marriage, you can be right or you can be happy. But sometimes you can’t be both.

In a courtroom, a hospital, or an office , right and wrong determine success or failure. The decision to prescribe the right medicine, for example, could be the difference between life and death. The relationship between the doctor and the patient is secondary.

Being RIGHT is what matters and what is rewarded.

In marriage, being right has no value. All that matters is the relationship.

Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?

Remember, being right in your marriage will get you NOTHING.

Just because you’re right/wrong paradigm works at the office doesn’t mean that you should bring it home. “He who is a hammer thinks everything is a nail.”

Some things work perfectly in one area of life and fail terribly in another.

In marriage, you have to be like a carpenter and know which tool to use.

The right/wrong mode is the WRONG tool to use in your marriage.

The more you insist on being RIGHT, the more you will be miserable in your marriage. Don’t go for RIGHT; go for LOVE.

Jodie expects that because she and her husband are “intelligent,” they shouldn’t find themselves in these petty stalemates. But just because Jodie and her husband have a high

IQ, doesn’t mean they have a high EQ.

IQ is a measure of your INTELLECTUAL intelligence. The higher your IQ, the better your ability to process information and determine what’s “right.”

EQ is a measure of your EMOTIONAL intelligence. The higher your EQ, the better your ability to connect with people and succeed in relationships.

Just as some athletes are strong but not fast, so too many people have a high IQ but a low EQ.

Bottom line: Intelligence, in the way Jodie means it, has little bearing on her and her husband’s ability to succeed in their marriage. In fact, a high IQ coupled with a low EQ can be a disastrous combination for a marriage.

The good news, however, is that EQ can be developed.

Here’s one way to begin to develop your EQ and improve the quality of your relationship.

The first step is to redefine what it means to be RIGHT.

Most people think of right and wrong as black and white. And our experience at work usually reinforces this understanding. After all, there can only be one verdict, one prescription, and one marketing plan. In other words, if I’m right then unless you agree with me you are wrong.

But there is a TRUTH which transcends right and wrong.

What do you see?

The picture you’re looking at is a picture of BOTH a profile of two people and a wine glass. But YOU can only see one at a time. It’s optically impossible for you to see both images at the same time. HOWEVER, they are BOTH there.

What do you see?

One person sees a profile. Your partner sees a frontal view. Whose right?

Right and wrong is an emotionally immature way to view most things in the context of marriage.

 

TRUTH has more than one perspective.

 

Your ability to see the truth from your spouse’s perspective is crucial for the success of your relationship. Can you “Human-Up” and see your partner’s point of view. Nope, did not think so. You are an idiot.

How did that feel? Make you mad? Are you triggered so easily. I rest my case.

And I don’t mean that you should see things from your spouse’s perspective as a manipulative strategy for finding compromise or out of pity toward your spouse.

You need to see your spouse’s perspective so YOU can come to a more complete understanding of TRUTH. If you’re only a profile, then you’re not seeing the whole picture. Your spouse is your ticket to you having a greater understanding.

Silent treatments are usually the result of spouses having too narrow a view of the truth. Just because you’re right doesn’t mean your spouse is not right ALSO.

Next time you’re at a stand-off with your spouse, ask them to explain their perspective.

And you don’t have to get defensive.

Do not stonewall.

Do no do The Silent Treatment. Grow up.

You don’t have to compromise your position in order to acknowledge theirs.

The chances are good that you are BOTH right. Two smart ass people.

And when you appreciate their perspective, you’ll be a better person and the silence will end.

When it comes to your marriage, it’s better to be happy than right. That’s the TRUTH as I see it. But, hey, I’m open to your perspective.

CONTACT:

Couple Conflict Management Sessions:

Stress Management:

EQ Development

Emotional Intelligence EQ-i 2.0 Assessment to measure your current EQ strengths and weaknesses.

Anger Management

Assertion Training

Director Richard Taylor

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA

Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence

What Does Watching TV vs. Reading a Good Book Do to Your Brain?

Katie Medlock
September 7, 2015
5:30 pm

lolsnap.com

If you had to calculate how much time per day you spend watching TV vs. reading a book, what would your totals be? No fudging the numbers! If you’re like most of America, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ 2014 report, people over 15 watch an average of 2.5 hours of TV per day during the workweek, while only reading for leisure about a half hour.

While surfing the web and otherwise being glued to smartphones also takes up a considerable amount of leisure time, there are more and more ways to get one’s fill of their favorite shows nowadays. Yet, it’s estimated that 42 percent of college graduates will never read another book after they finish their degrees. That’s a long life of missing out on (literal) page-turners.

Are there scientific reasons as to why putting down the remote and picking up a book may be better for your health? A Japanese study earlier this year found that TV watching actually can alter the composition of your brain. Studying 276 children and teens led to the discovery that higher amounts of time in front of the tube increased frontal lobe grey matter, yet lowered verbal IQ.

Another study, however, discovered lasting positive results from reading a novel. They performed MRIs to college students before, during and after reading a novel and found increased connectivity in the parts of the brain responsible for language receptivity—so much so that the heightened connectivity was retained days later, much like “muscle memory.”

Dr. Gregory Berns, of the Emory University study, stated, “At a minimum, we can say that reading stories—especially those with strong narrative arcs—reconfigures brain networks for at least a few days. It shows how stories can stay with us. This may have profound implications for children and the role of reading in shaping their brains.” Pretty profound, indeed.

What else can reading do for the mind? A study at the University of Sussex found that participants who were stressed needed only six minutes of reading for their heart rates and muscle tension to subside. Six minutes!

• Overall, reading reduced stress levels by 68 percent,
• closely followed by listening to music (61 percent),
• drinking coffee (54 percent)
• and taking a walk (42 percent).
• Dr. David Lewis describes the effect, “It really doesn’t matter what book you read, by losing yourself in a thoroughly engrossing book you can escape from the worries and stresses of the everyday world and spend a while exploring the domain of the author’s imagination.”

A Force For Good

With most 15-19 year-olds only reading 9 minutes per day (compared to 2.6 hours of TV) and 75 and older folks reading an hour per day (yet, 4.4 daily hours of TV), perhaps tipping the scale toward paperbacks could make a big dent in our overall stress levels.

Sure, unplugging from the day in front of the tube can feel like it’s just what we need, but what if we really unplugged and, instead, picked up a good book? With websites such as Good Reads and What Should I Read Next? on our sides, this can become a (non-virtual) reality.

Related
5 Top Spirituality Books for Scientific-Minded People
10 Bizarre Ways to Reduce Stress

Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/what-does-watching-tv-vs-reading-a-good-book-do-to-your-brain.html#ixzz3lAQ398kF

 

Yeni Kitap ‏@YeniKitap 8 May 2013
Kitap okuyan ve okumayan iki insan arasındaki fark.. #benihayatabağlar

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ADDED: TAI LOPEZ BOOK CLUB !

Book Of The Day Club

Tai Jan 18, 2014

​

Let’s say you want to be rich, famous, healthy, and happy. What would be the fastest way to get there?  Well if for the last 10 years you had been reading 1 book a week what would be different in your life right now?

4 books a month,

50 books a year,

500 books in a decade.

Imagine the knowledge of those 500 books embedded deep within your brain. You would be a genius. You could not even help but become rich, famous, healthy, and happy.

There is something wrong with the world today. This simple solution isn’t the mainstream mentality. I always tell my coaching students, “All the knowledge in the world at our fingertips and we know less than my grandpa did.”

We have Google, ebooks, Facebook, audio books, Kindles and Nooks but it seems like no one is really getting smarter.

But even with all this technology I still prefer good old fashioned books.

Here is why books work. It goes beyond just the simple knowledge they impart.

Books operate with a deeper, more powerful ‘mechanism’. Think of it this way. If I said to you, “Hey would you like to spend 1 hour a day for the next year being mentored by the worlds’ top billionaires, celebrities, authors, fitness trainers, professors, and world leaders?”

Your answer would be “of course”.

That’s precisely what books do. They give you direct access to the mentors you would never be able to meet in real life. Because most of the people worth listening to are either busy or already dead.

Success comes through osmosis. It rubs off on you. Change who you spend time around and you will change your life. Books are the easiest way to spend time around high caliber mentors.

There is no faster way to transform your life than to simply read more. No one, no matter how high their IQ, knows it all. The body of knowledge in the world is simply to vast to learn alone. Learning through trial and error is a fools game.

 “It’s good to learn from your mistakes. It’s better to learn from other people’s mistakes.”  – Warren Buffet

 That is what books do for you. They cut the learning curve by years, even decades.

Reading is the habit of billionaires. Never forget that.

I have done a survey of most of the famous billionaires in the world and the only thing I found that they all had in common, from Steve Jobs to Larry Ellison to Sam Walton, was they all read a ton of books.

If you travel on Warren Buffett’s private jet guess what he does the whole time? He will shake your hand, make some small talk, and then pull out a stack of reading material and spend the rest of the flight catching up on his reading. In fact, he spends almost 8 hours a day reading.

 

Charlie Munger another famous billionaire says:

 

“In my whole life, I have known no wise people who didn’t read all the time – none, zero. You’d be amazed at how much Warren Buffett reads – at how much I read. My children laugh at me. They think I’m a book with a couple of legs sticking out.” 

 

I remember an interview with Bill Gates and Warren Buffett in which they were asked what superpower they wished they had.

 

They both agreed that they would want to be the fastest readers in the world. They didn’t wish for more power or money. Just the ability to read more books. Because they know that get the book thing right and the rest will naturally flow your way.

 

I’m sure you agree with what I’m saying. Most people do.

 

So if I asked you what keeps you from reading a book a day, or a book a week, I would guess your answer would be, “Tai it takes me too long to read a book, I don’t have the time.”

IRIS READING – YOU TUBE CHANNEL – Learn To Read Faster

If you feel you read too slow you aren’t alone. In fact Warren Buffett once said “I’ve probably wasted ten years reading too slowly.” And remember this is coming from Buffett who by the age of 12 had read every book in the Omaha public library system on investing. Even he felt it was hard to catch up.

 

Somehow I was lucky enough to learn speed reading as a teenager and over years of practice I can finish a book pretty quickly. I devote a few hours daily to reading 1 book a day.

That is how I came up with this book club idea. It was almost on accident. A lot of my friends said they didn’t have time to read and asked if I would just do the work for them and summarize what I read in an email everyday.

This is what I have created … A simple email newsletter you can join for free. Each day you will get a summary of the books that I think are most important for changing your life.

I read 4 different types of books on the subjects that I consider the foundation of living a good life.

 

Allan Nation, one of my mentors, taught me that it’s vital be eclectic and read from a wide base of knowledge. The books vary from classics written centuries ago, all the way to cutting edge modern bestsellers.

 

The first subject I cover is physical health.

If you are laying in bed sick you really don’t care about anything else. So I consider educating yourself on health, nutrition, food, exercise, sleep, water, stretching, etc. to be the obvious first step.

 

You will be getting books like:

• Health & Physical Degeneration by Dr. Weston Price;
• The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan;
• Holy Cows and Hog Heaven: The Food Buyer’s Guide to Farm Friendly Food by Joel Salatin;
• Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us by Michael Moss.

The second subject is on wealth and business.

If you calculate the percentage of your waking adult life that you will spend working it’s literally OVER 50%! We spend more than half of our life making money and yet we devote so little time to learning about money and wealth creation. I consider this one of the travesties of modern times.

I don’t care if you are broke or a multi-millionaire. Books hold the key to you unlocking massive wealth. And more importantly making money doing something you love.

Great books like:

• Poor Charlie’s Almanack: The Wit and Wisdom of Charles T. Munger by Peter D. Kaufman
• Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap…And Others Don’t by Jim Collins;
• Finding Your Element: How to Discover Your Talents and Passions and Transform Your Life by Ken Robinson;
• The E-Myth Revisited: Why Most Small Businesses Don’t Work and What to Do About It by Michael E. Gerber;
• How To Be A Billionaire: Proven Strategies from the Titans of Wealth by Martin S. Fridson

The third subject is on love.

I was just hanging out with Dr. David Buss who in my opinion is the smartest man alive on the subject of love and human attraction. He is the author of some amazing books that you will receive in my newsletter like “The Evolution Of Desire“. Nothing has the ability to make or break your happiness more than your love life. Humans are social creatures. Get the social ‘game’ wrong and your life goes straight downhill.

And of all the 4 subjects we will cover, without a doubt the most misinformation exists about love and romance. The good news is that there are a tremendous amount of amazing books out there that dispell the lies and bring clarity. I am going to send you book summaries that will revolutionize how you see love and romance.

Fascinating books like:

• Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters by Alan S. Miller
• Why Women Have Sex: Women Reveal the Truth About Their Sex Lives, from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between) by Cindy M. Meston
• The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature by Matt Ridley
• Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles by Robin Baker

The fourth subject is on happiness.

If you study Maslows hierarchy of needs the top of the pyramid is self-actualization. Life becomes somewhat pointless without some sort of purpose that is higher than yourself. Most people find this higher purpose through their children and grandchildren. Hopefully you will go even deeper than that in your own life.

 

The book of the day newsletters will cover books with massive insight on civilization changing issues:

• Mother Teresa: In My Own Words by Jose Luis Gonzalez-Balado
• The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom by Jonathan Haidt
• Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with Truth by Mahatma Gandhi
• Civilization and Its Discontents by Sigmund Freud
• The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari: A Fable About Fulfilling Your Dreams & Reaching Your Destiny by Robin Sharma

So if you are not already on my book of the day list simply sign up on the form on the top of this page.

Remember that life is full of entropy. If you are not careful your life will slowly slip backwards. You have to inject new energy, new inspiration, deep into your mind to ensure that entropy does rob you of true happiness.

There is no cost to you and you will get all the benefits of reading a book a day without actually having to take the time to do the work yourself.

It works pretty simply. You sign up free and every day you get an email with a new book summary. It’s similar to the Cliffnotes you might have used back in school.

But I put a little spin on things with my own opinions mixed in. I will also give you my recommended book list so that you can you know what to buy next time you are on Amazon.

Remember a lot of books nowadays have a lot of fluff that you really don’t need. So I help you skip all the unnecessary info and skip to the core concepts that you can implement immediately.

So take 2 minutes a day to read the summaries for the next month.

Take my challenge. If at the end of the 30 days you think it wasn’t worth your time send me an email. I have NEVER had one person write in. This ALWAYS improves lives.

Try this book of the day club for 30 days straight and watch the prosperity pour into your life.

Let’s change the world together.

>Click Here To Watch On YouTube

Question:  Are you ready to change your life by reading a book a day?

​SOURCE: http://www.tailopez.com/blog/book-of-the-day

No MONEY: Free books at your local library.

CONTACT:

Director Richard Taylor

Director Richard Taylor BS, CAMF
Certified Anger Management Facilitator
Diplomate American Association Anger Management Providers

Atlanta Anger Management
5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200 (2nd Floor)
Atlanta, Georgia 30342 USA
Office Phone: 678-576-1913
Fax: 1-866-551-1253
Web: www.atlantaangermanagement.com
E-mail: richardtaylor5555@gmail.com

Linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/in/richardtayloraam

#1 Certified Anderson and Anderson™ Anger Management Provider
The Best Of The Best In Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence
Unique Approach to High Couples Conflict Management – Coaching – Narrative – Mentoring

Dave Ramsey – 3 Steps Towards Debt Free Financial Independence

Three Pearls of Financial Wisdom From Dave Ramsey

Couples often fight over money problems
and mounting debt. Fight together debt
rather than each other! – Richard Taylor

Between his best-selling books, radio show, and motivational speeches, Dave Ramsey has been giving solid personal finance advice for more than two decades. He takes a no-nonsense approach to managing money — just the way I like it — while offering advice that’s practical, actionable, and guaranteed to put you on the path toward financial freedom. Ramsey’s pearls of financial wisdom can help you get ahead and gain control of your finances. Here are three of my favorites.

1. Don’t Worship Stuff

Many people grow up thinking they need stuff to be happy. We often confuse our wants with our needs, and convince ourselves we “need” a big house, a fancy car, and everything else in between.The more we have, the more successful we feel. The problem, however, is that stuff costs money — money we might not have.

In his book, The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness, Ramsey nails it when he says, “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” Ain’t that the truth.

Some of us become so obsessed with keeping up that we sacrifice our future financial health and willingly go into debt just so others will think we’re successful and can afford a certain lifestyle. However, the joke’s on us because this type of thinking gets us nowhere financially — and fast.

The best thing you can do for your money is stop worrying about the opinions of others and realize stuff doesn’t make you happy or richer. Ramsey encourages “living substantially below your means.” Just because you make $75,000 a year doesn’t mean you have to spend $75,000 a year. Simplicity is key to acquiring financial freedom.

2. Build a $1,000 Emergency Fund — Now

According to Ramsey, this is the first step to financial stability. This doesn’t suggest you can’t have more in your emergency fund. Like many other financial experts, Ramsey speaks about the importance of having a sizable cash cushion — at least three to six months of income. But since this takes time, Ramsey’s Financial Peace University program recommends baby steps and starting with a $1,000 emergency fund.

This ensures enough cash to handle life’s curveballs, so you don’t have to rely on credit cards. This might come as a shock, but building a small emergency fund takes priority over paying off debt (although you’ll still need to make minimum debt payments while growing a small emergency fund).

Do whatever you can to build this emergency fund. For example, sell stuff you don’t need at a yard sale, work overtime, or get a side hustle. The idea is to fund this account as soon as possible. You’ll enjoy peace of mind knowing you can handle an emergency, and it’s only after building an emergency fund that you can start improving other areas of your personal finance.

3. Don’t Be a Slave to a Lender

We live in a world where anything can be financed — from electronics to houses. And some people fall in the trap of thinking they can afford something as long as they’re able to make the minimum payments.

Ramsey’s financial philosophy revolves around living debt-free. He’s a big believer in not carrying any type of debt, including an auto loan and a mortgage. In fact, he says he would rather ride a bike than take out a car loan.

In his book, Financial Peace Revisited, Ramsey says, “We want it all, and we can borrow to get it all, before we can afford it all.” For some, getting a loan or credit card has never been easier. But the more debt you have, the more you have to work, and the less money and time you’ll have to enjoy your life.

Once you have a small emergency fund, Ramsey says it’s time to tackle your non-mortgage debt. Not just your credit card debt — all of your debt. He feels that debt-free living isn’t just about paying off revolving debt, but also paying off student loans and car loans.

He recommends the debt snowball method, in which you pay off your smallest balance first. You’ll make large payments toward this debt every month, while making the minimum payments on all your other debts. After you get rid of the smallest balance, take the money you were using to pay off this balance and apply it to the next smallest balance, and so on. You’ll eventually pay off your debts, at which point you can start increasing your $1,000 emergency fund, aiming for three to six month’s worth of income.

After paying off debt and building a “real” emergency fund, Ramsey puts the focus on your mortgage and encourages paying off this debt as fast as you can. Becoming mortgage-free might feel like a stretch, but since you don’t have other debts hanging over your head, you’re able to increase your mortgage payments without breaking a sweat and pay off this debt years sooner.

That’s the American dream if I’ve ever heard of it.

By Mikey Rox on 16 July 2015

Source: http://www.wisebread.com/3-pearls-of-financial-wisdom-from-dave-ramsey

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